Thursday, March 29, 2018

A Year of Therapy Completed!

I am back!

last few times I blogged I spoke about making the decision to start therapy and discussed my first couple of sessions. Starting therapy has been a life changing experience; life changing indeed. I am thankful I was very lucky to have a cool therapists on my first try and I did not have to shop around. I am thankful that I felt safe enough to start opening my world to him- things so old, disguised, and hidden came out. I was able to discuss events in my past that I have kept a secret. I know now that keeping those events in my life hidden only hurt me. I realize I am more powerful, resilient, and I own my own life. I have a voice. I am a survivor.

It's been like two weeks since I graduated from therapy and I do miss going. Like my husband mentioned to me it's like learning to ride a bike. You eventually start losing your training wheels and you let go on your own. I am thankful I had the opportunity to go weekly and I know I struggled with the decision to go at first and at times I did not want to go, the times I got angry at my therapist, the times that I struggled with the pain but to be honest it's one of best thing that has ever happened to me.

I have faith that I can continue making it through my obstacles, daily struggles, and deal with whatever comes my way in a positive way. I no longer recognize my earlier entries from this blog let alone the years previous in my life. The way I choose to deal with such events- I forgive myself. I lacked the knowledge and will to deal with things in a positive manner. Now I know how because I was given the tools to do so and can implement them through out the rest of my life.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

On our walk the other day...

Flustered Therapy

Yesterday was therapy day, but I felt like I kinda shut down before I got there because I felt flustered and anxious. Yesterday morning I woke up in pain... my body just has been hurting, I got up later than I do when I go to therapy so I did not do anything to help me relax before my session. I did breakfast then I started running late, while getting ready to leave I banged my knee on the dinning room table really hard, while I was driving I felt sick, I almost drove past the freeway exit going to therapy, and normally I go to the restroom before my session, but I could not or I would have been late; I hate running late. Sorry for the rant but that's how I felt in the morning; by the time I sat in my therapist couch I felt flustered and anxious.

I had two really good weeks despite feeling a little jumpy last week, then yesterday I woke up feeling crappy and had a nutty morning and I been feeling sad??? I can't identify why exactly. It could be because I start new job next week and I have to leave some of my older jobs, it could be because my therapist asked me to identify and write down some of my negative thinking and words and the list I made wow it's not good- looking at it kinda makes me feel hopeless, or the financial situation at home and I am at risk of not getting my puppy. It can be all three I don't know.

My therapist will be out this Sat which is my usual time I go to my appointment. I set up one right away for Monday night and again in the same week for Saturday morning. I have had a good week with my new job, I have lunch with a friend tomorrow, and everything seems to be going okay this week!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Coloring Addiction

I bought two more coloring books recently the one titled "You are Amazing" is from Target. The book titled "Just Breathe" at Walmart for half the price the one above cost me and just as cute! Love them both. I was getting bored with the coloring book I had at home. ( I get bored easily). I also bought my self some new coloring pencils @Walmart. I was looking for a set that had a bigger shades of the same color. 

Haha I have a lot of these sheets that say good thing about "friends" my therapist would love to see these ... maybe the message would rub off on me. 
I think I have a coloring addiction :) which is good... it's a good coping skill for stress and good for distraction.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

June LiFe Update

Therapy is going well in my opinion. I been opening up about my trauma something I thought I would never do. I wish I would have done it long ago and maybe I would not be so screwed up today. Should have, could have ... whatever; I am doing it now and I am keeping my promise that I made for myself at the beginning of the year. So far I think I have been keeping it ... I go up and down with my emotions, feelings and progress sort of like a roller coaster. Like my therapist says it's a process and I am allowed to have bad days and it's OK if I do. Starting to talk about my trauma is such a breakthrough for me. The fact that I am able to trust someone else with my secrets it's amazing! there is hope at the bottom of the Pandora Box.

As for school ... I am done paying for my math courses. My mother wants me to finish college so does the rest of the family despite so much issues I have with my math learning disorder that she will pay for me to retake this math course once again. I am getting tired and hopeless regarding school. Class starts in September and I will attempt it again; If I can't pass it this time I will have to sit down and reevaluate everything.

Money has been tight we have not been able to catch up yet since my husband finally got new employment . One of main families I work for told me that they were not going to need me for the summer and that she would not stand in my way (because it the past she did) and that I can find other employment and gave me like less than a two weeks notice. Well it was like 2 weeks but then they had a family emergency and had to fly our of town and there went my second week. I went ahead and found another employment in last than two weeks and applied got hired and now she's asking me how many hours I will be working at my new employment? , if I will have one day off? etc I do not want to work with them anymore what's the point of coming in once a week? and the other main family I gave them a notice too because I will not be able to work for them anymore is too little hours and I needed to find something that replaced both and go to one place. Well it kinda backfired on me because they both would like to keep sort of working with them other than date nannying. I do feel bad leaving the kids that's why I am conflicted about the whole thing but I don't know yet what my plans are. I should just leave it simple two other families date night only and my new job is the new main family and that's that, why make things complicated? So going to Therapy once a week like I am doing now was in jeopardy because I thought I was going to be unemployed for a while. I did well doing what I needed to do. Honestly if I was not coming to therapy I probably would have taken my sweet time looking for a job. Therapy for me now is essential and one of my top priorities. Not sure if I would be able to accomplish my promise without therapy and the help of my therapist.

My husband and I went to a BBQ for Memorial Day Week and it was good to go, hard to mingle, but it was nice that we were able to go.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Disappointed in my Self

I woke up this morning feeling sad... I don't know why just residual stuff I guess. It was just recycled emotions I went between crying, and being thoughtful, and feeling sorry for myself. I feel disappointed with myself. I just don't feel happy; just when I started feeling happiness back in my life I allow little things to knock me down. What the fuck is wrong with me? this is not how I wanted my life to be. I have therapy tomorrow and I just want to bail on it, but I know my husband won't let me do that because I will still have to pay for it. I texted my therapist and told him that I did not want to go which was good because it took me out of that mind frame. Eventually I got up at 1pm and put on some exercise clothes and came down stairs made two cups of coffee and made a whole bowl of popcorn for brunch <---- yah that just happened. Actually wanted to go out and have all sort of junk food... I did not good thing. I did have my husband buy me some chocolate just because I showed up with treats :) . Instead of eating my self to happiness I decided to smoked my smoking blend twice, listened to music, played with my sensory lavender thing, and blogging and I probably do walking or some sort of physical activity because we have not been walking or I have not done kick boxing since I got sick or a little before that and I love boxing it helps me because I feel it has an immediate effect.

Yesterday I woke up screaming I have no idea why I didn't seem to have a nightmare... but I don't know because sometimes I don't remember. My husband said he asked what was wrong twice I didn't immediately answer and he thinks I said something about a cord. I had fallen asleep listening to Passive Muscle Relaxation you tube video using my cord earphones and maybe I freaked out when I felt the cord??? my husband said jokingly that I was probably strangling myself with it and freaked out.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Just Not Feeling Well

This morning I felt sad... and I can't identify why. I just woke up that way? I been having good days this week and some of last week, but I have also been having those moments where I just cry, feel numb or empty I am not sure which. This morning I did not want to get up and while getting ready I felt sad and I was crying, but trying to be discrete. At some point a thought came over me regarding self-injury; it was not that bad in my opinion and I am not trying to minimize the issue, but it really was not that bad I thought about it and I said no I can't I have to go to work soon and I got out of the bathroom. I have not self-injured in months and I honestly did not think that I would self-injure again, but thinking about it just happened. I did have to work so getting out of the bathroom was outmost importance. The bathroom has been the area where I have used in the past the most to self-injure and I still have some hidden tools-well not so much anymore I told my husband like a month ago that they were in there and I had said I would throw them away, but I have not ...I will get to it eventually.

I wrote down a few triggers that I am assuming one or more can be responsible and sent it to my therapist. The fact that I had to go to work freaked me out a little because I haven't been like that in the mornings or before going to work, and honestly I rather call and say I am sick... , but I was able to finally compose my self and I was fine. I am pet sitting this week for a few days so I am hoping that helps my mood a bit.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.