Saturday, December 17, 2016

Me and my math issues. I did not pass my math course again. Feel down about it not sure what to do anymore.

no one understands. After a while people just begin to feel like a failure... a disappointment.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Red Rock Canyon Morning Hike

These photographs are from last weeks hike at Red Rock Canyon. It was a blast we actually finished the hike for once. It was relaxing to get some stress out. What do you think of a dragon fly tattoo? that just impulsively entered my mind... I been always attracted to butterfly's (and them to me) because I think they're reincarnated love ones.... I know what your thinking, but anyways and now I am obsessing over dragonfly's.
For the first time someone stopped me at the end of our hike heading to the car and asked about my tattoo. They wanted to know if that was a watercolor tattoo and where did I get it from and she said it was a very nice tattoo. I have gotten a few looks but this is the first time I get stopped over it. It felt good talking about it actually :)
Enjoy my photographs

Taken with an iphone5 .... anyone one want to buy me a new iphone?

Living with an Upside Down Smile

For a long time ever since I remember I would always place my self last if at all. I always cared more about other people's feelings and emotions. I admit I have not taken care of myself in what seems like forever. All my former co-workers, classmates and who ever made contact with me for some time always believed I was this happy and well adjusted person. They never got to see the authenticity of my true emotions, feelings, and thoughts. 

Using the smile as a front to hide your sadness, depression, your thoughts and feelings does not make you a fake person. I am real, raw, and if you truly sit with me and talk to me I can let you in but it takes time for me to trust and not feel so vulnerable.

My family, former co-workers, people in general and even my husband have seen the pretty plastered smile I always had, the one they said welcomed them every morning and made them happy. Yet they had no clue that pretty smile was an upside down frown in the inside. 
Outside of my work I am having a hard time smiling at all now. I think all those years pretending to  be a Happy person has caught up to me emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Now I worry about not being able to do what I did best-smiling for others... in fact I walk around with no expression at times and when I do smile I do not know anymore if it's authentic or if I am truly happy or not. I don't know.

Even as a child I did not want to be a burden, and as teenager I felt like a burden all the way to a young adult. I think as a child you should not be worried about such things-but I did. 

I felt broken and damaged ever since I was a kid and worse it got as a teenager and today I feel just the same. I think some trauma I secretly faced as a child and again as a teenager is responsible for it and sadly it still remains today- In fact it might have gotten worse

I feel no one would understand why I feel certain ways about life, why I kept quiet, my suicide planning at 15, and my suicide thoughts that I have had on and off through out my life and recently as this year. I am responsible for the lack of care and love for myself.

It's not too late. I can still make it through. 
Because I am a

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

November Update

Wow it's November already! where has time gone? I am glad that this year is flying is passing quickly because it has been a rough one for me. I been contemplating calling for an appointment to see the psychologist at school for months now... and today I decided to call right after work. I parked at a park near my job and I was very anxious so I was taking a few breaths to relax myself and after 10 minutes I decided to call and guess what? no one answered and a machine did...sigh all that anxiety for nothing. I had the option to leave a message, but I just hung up. Maybe they were out for lunch? I understand that they need to make a quick assessment , but do they not realize how hard is for people to call in for anything mental health related? If there was an online option I would have made an appointment months ago. -That's life I guess.
**Update: I called back today and again it was a waste of time and anxiety for me. They did not let me make an appointment because I did not have the required 6 units. I was told by the DRC that I can still get an appointment because I am registered with the DRC and they make exemptions same with when your almost finished- this was when I went to my intake appointment for services... she also told me when your almost finished almost graduating and you don't need the 6 credits. When I told the lady on the phone about this she said "I haven't heard about that" and she asked who ever was next to her if she had heard of that and she also said no. See another reason to dislike this school and just verifies my belief that this school does not care about it's students. Someone lied... it also seems they forget who they serve... we the students and we pay for it's not like it's free. If the students did not pay tuition and in some cases extra for excess credit just like myself then half these people would not have a job... and also the Psychologist wouldn't have anyone to see if the students did not have any issues! They did ask me if I wanted her to email me community resources and I said no.

Despite my lack of focus and concentration issues I am doing surprisingly well in my math course. I am a little stressed about my second test on campus because I feel less confident in knowing the material and I got a C last time even after I felt confident. The good news is all the test and quizzes I have taken at home I have done pretty well even a few 100% . I am stressing about next semesters math course which reminds me I have to register for. I been having a hard time concentrating and focusing at times I can't even focus for ten minutes or more. At times when I do focus I take advantage of it and I sacrifice sleep, I drink too much caffeine in one case I think I got sick because of it, and or smoke to keep myself awake to study and to be able to focus. I have to pass the course and I am hoping I do not need to repeat next semester math course a dozen times before I pass! My husband and I are looking forward to moving especially since he is still unemployed. Failing and dropping my math courses has set us behind and of course I feel guilty about it.

I been opening up a little bit this year regarding my blog writing and contributing to other blogs and  this week my article I wrote was published on The Mighty
What Isolating in Depression Made Me Realize About My friends

Work is going well the main family I work for are moving to another part of Summerlin so I will be working at a new house soon. They will move to the same neighborhood as my other nanny position... small world.

My family -meaning my parents and my two aunts are coming over for Thanksgiving despite my efforts to keep my family away this whole year(and refusing to see my nephews and my sister this Sept) I think it will be good for me. It's one of my favorite days and I have been hosting my parents and aunts for like three-four years now and they also invited themselves before I had a chance to look for an excuse for them not to come. I think it will be selfish of me to continue dodging their potential visits. Once they are here I know I will be happy.- Authentically happy.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

My Tea Bag Wise Words

I Voted!

I really dislike talking about my political views on Facebook like everyone else does, I hate to see arguments and talking about it in general. One of my bosses last year asked me what party I was and then it started opening up one sided conversations... even though I told her I do not talk about voting she still kept bringing it up. So far this year she has not talk to me about it because I just smile at her and not contribute to the conversation.

I decided to go vote EARLY for the first time! I was annoyed by the voting text messages and calls I been receiving and frankly thinking about the elections made me bitter and annoyed so I just decided to get it done early and I am glad I did! I was happy it was done and I am glad I even voted despite of what I had said earlier about not wanting to vote this time.

What a cute sticker... I like living in Vegas for once haha

Friday, October 21, 2016

Craig Ranch Regional Park

 Some pictures from a few weeks ago. We went to a park that I drove by after going to house sit in North Las Vegas. Did not even know about it until I drove past it and then I went with my husband one weekend. The park is pretty big, lots of playgrounds for the kiddos, and overall a nice place to take a stroll. I will probably take my parents when they come back to Las Vegas to visit.

Writing and Healing

Writing has been my outlet where I have felt free to unleash the burdens of my past and my struggles of my everyday life. It is hard to express what I feel... spoken words seem impossible at times and even overwhelming; some understand others do not.
The burdens lifted from my chest and mind makes me want to fly. I feel free just like I imagine a bird feels at mid-flight. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to soar after typing a few words.
My words, grammar, my thoughts might not be perfect or I might not have a pretty and clean blog, but it is mine. A spot that I can go to and express my opinions, struggles, achievements, and about life in general.

I been writing in diaries and blogging on and off all my life. Due to some traumas, tribulations and trials life became difficult to bear at times and writing seemed to help keep me afloat for many years. When life seemed to get better for me I stop writing, and for years I had lost interest in doing so. April of this year I felt like I had hit rock bottom and once again I have come to rely on my good friend-my blog and that's perfectly fine. At times we need to find a glimmer of hope, find something that we like to enjoy and blogging, taking nature photographs, and loving my pets are those things that help with my healing.

This article was also posted on Stuck with me Now

Monday, October 17, 2016

Zoning Out Update

I am still zoning out here and has become an annoyance especially when I am trying to study or trying to do math homework... and maybe while driving too. It happens during different times actually... when watching movies or television, while driving alone, while listening to specific music(I can't listen to certain stuff anymore, like the music I have here on my blog because it triggers me), it has happened this year a few times after being intimate, and when I am on the computer I can read something or see something and it triggers my memories. I am pretty sure it's all connected ... memories=depression, zoning out =the need to self medicate or self-harm. Am I right?

I have not felt as numb as I used too so I guess that's a positive right? When I think about my memories and such I feel very small... does that mean I am going back to the ages I used to be when I had my traumas?- I know you have no idea what I am talking about because I have not explain that part of my life ...yet, I have hope that one day I can just acknowledge it and move forward.

I still have not made the appointment to see the Psychologist at school yet...I don't know what is stopping me from doing so.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Math update for Oct

I have not had the need and urge to write my emotions out so that is a good thing right? I took my midterm math exam I received a high C it's not exactly  the grade I wanted BUT I will take it and run with it! Last time I took my math course I failed the midterm so I will take the C. The reason I think I am doing well is the fact that we have quizzes every other week which helps me with needing to know the material in smaller chunks, she gives us a second chance to take the quizzes and they are not timed. The exams I take at home can be taken once, are timed, but because I am using the services of the DRC (Disability Resource Center) I get extended time. The good thing about online courses is you can use your notes, but I think they make the course harder because of it. I have three proctored exams that I need to ho to campus to take. These are the exams I worry about since I can't use notes and I can't remember the steps I need to get a answer, and the first exam I took I was shaking, it took me a while to use my breathing techniques to stop shaking and never got fully comfortable. I did like that it is only me in the room taking the test it really helped. What stinks is that I work and I have to rush to school to take the exam which is on Fridays (that's the days she wants us to take it) and the DRC closes at 5 on Fridays that means I do not get the full extended time. So far I been getting really high scores for the quizzes and exams taken at home I am very excited at the possibility of passing this course! I dropped the other course I was thinking of getting because I did not need it and to me passing the math course is my top priority right now. Having just the math course has helped me focus more on homework and study time.

If all goes well I will have one course left needed to graduate (math course) which of course I am getting anxiety already about next Semester. The professor I have now does not teach the math I need to take next semester and not all teachers do weekly quizzes or test they just based your grade mostly on two exams which is a big concern to me.

When the DRC refuse to take my Dyscalculia (math disorder) diagnosis they gave me a sheet of locations that might test for Dyscalculia and I been thinking of doing the whole damn testing again. At first I was really angry and my attitude was like go f*** yourself and just gave up. Now I am considering the option of testing before I finish school and move. Not sure if I want to do it more because I will need it later or because I want to say see I f****** told you so. I don't know if I want to give myself that extra tension and stress especially that I am doing better and not been depressed recently. Its a lot to think about.