Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Hope





Today I went to eat with an old friend. She was going to take half day off work to take her child to a doctor visit, but after she heard I was feeling depressed she immediately started to make plans to meet up and she eventually took day off entirely just to spend the morning with me before taking her son to the doctors. I do not have friends, or people I talk to often. I have two people other than my husband in my circle that I trust just enough for me to open up "some". One that has been my co-worker at a preschool we both worked at... we worked together in a classroom and she also was my boss at another school. The one that took day off we have been friends since high school and although she lives here in Las Vegas we hardily see each other but we keep in touch by texting.. our lives are so different now, but we can easily relate and pick up conversations like even after we don't talk for a while. We both got into some trouble in high school and we both had each others back and to me that means a lot. I am typically told that I am very likeable, I have a pretty smile, that I am cheerful, that I am a good listener, caring, a good friend and loyal. Yes I am that, the smile isn't really there lately and neither is my cheerful self. I have had co-workers I care about deeply and formed connections through work, but I do not consider them friends that I trust... or friends at all. They call me a friend... but I do not call anyone a friend; I have not considered them friends saying that hurts I think, but what am I going to do if it takes me what seems forever to be able to trust someone. Once you have my trust and you do something to break that trust forget it; I remember everything and I also hold grudges. My circle is very small I know that and yes It's lonely. I said it ...I admit it even though I have always said I like to be a loner that's not the truth it's very lonely place when you need others and it seems like there is no one there. Even though I have two "friends" in my circle it has been difficult to fully admit what has been going on with me. Not even my parents know what I have been through this last year and especially this year.

I do have to say that people do care. I have felt their concern and love this year through my depression episodes or whatever you call what I been going through. I do feel I have like Clinical Depression to be honest. Ever since high school I have felt like I have some sort of depression and since then it has gotten worse and now a little in the scary side this past year.

Well I can see I strayed what was I talking about again? so she took the day off came to my house we chatted a bit and then we went to Sweet Tomatoes and after eating she came back hung out a bit and then she left. It was nice to catch up and we both agree we need to do it more often.

Today so far I have had a good day. No meltdowns, no anxiety attack, no tears, no deep thinking... I went out to eat, smoked a bowl or two, had a short nap this afternoon, had sex :), went out to walk, grocery shopping and finally settling down to writing. I am satisfied with today. 

This upcoming month I am hoping that things start to turn around for me. I started going to the gym again hopefully I keep up with it, next month I'm set to start working more hours, I want to keep up with my writing, and we will see how things work out...there is no reason why this upcoming month can't be a good one.
I have HOPE

Fish, Toads, Snails

Red Wag Platy Fish



Fire Bellied Toads


Red Wag Fry (baby)



Snail That eats fish poop :D


Sunday, May 29, 2016

Shopping Cheaper Than Therapy BINGE




My new coloring book came in and so did my order of new lighters! I love the sugar skull look! 

I heard coloring is great for a stress relief and is also an activity you can do to distract your mind and keep you busy. I have always LOVED art it's one of those things I used to do along with poetry when I was dealing with a lot of problems back in high school in order to escape and be in my own little world. Well I had stop doing both of those things years ago so I am thinking of using this coloring book to get into art again.


Shopping without money makes me happy at the moment... (rude awakening coming soon)- I know it's a self-destructive behavior. Might be a problem but compare to other things it's a light issue... I will post another post once I receive the jewelry I just ordered yesterday! :D lol



Goes well with this sugar skull pipe pouch made to fit my pipe :) that I recently got on Etsy.

It's The Small Things

I received this as a gift... what were they trying to say? it's very fitting at the moment. I love this cup and I love coffee too. My ex-coworker and now "boss" (she says I am my own boss) gave me this as a teacher appreciation day gift even though I am no longer in that field she still gave me this pretty cup and a bracelet with a charm that her daughter (who I nanny sometimes) picked out.


I miss going into the preschool setting every morning... I miss the giggles and smiles, the silliness, appreciation and the love that teaching in the preschool setting as a teacher assistant brought to me. I honestly miss the excuse to play with play dough, and sit down and play with puzzles ... I miss teaching little minds. The person that gifted me these gifts help me get an interview at the school she works at and I received an offer after my interview went well...and I did not take it... got called again to see if I changed my mind and I rejected the opportunity. So my co-worker/boss wanted me to take it and get back to teaching -honestly I would say that was the starting of my midlife crises but I have been saying that since I was in my twenties. 

I enjoy being a nanny and I will  be doing this at least until I graduate(when I finish my math courses) and move... maybe longer It's what I love to do. Despite at what goes on in my life ... I am good at it.


Very thoughtful gift <3

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Meltdown

Just when I thought I was feeling better I feel very emotional. Had to warn my husband today right before we went into the grocery store that I was feeling very anxious and and that I had a hard time breathing... I did not know how to explain it just told him like kinda like I am about to have an anxiety attack. Before we went to the grocery store I had a big meltdown with tears, anger, and all over nothing really... it was something but nothing I should have gotten worked up for. When we got home he asked if I had smoked yet? I said "no"...he said "well that's why" so I smoked a bowl (bowl I learned is the size of the bowl "hole"of the end of your smoking pipe). After I smoked I felt better and he said "I notice a big difference". I am still keep rewinding and forwarding those damn memories I keep remembering ...one day I might tell you about those, but I am not ready to do so. 

I was suppose to attend a class called math prep that i had paid for to help me with math since I can't seem to pass it and I just did not want to go. I don't know why I did not want to go. Well there goes that idea.

I have a lunch date tomorrow and another in a few days more. I am trying to stay in touch with others and not isolate my self much... well actually it was all their idea so scratch that. I registered for Fall semester Math the one I failed ...sigh... and one for Autism Spectrum Disorders. I was just going to get the math course and that's what I should have done but I felt that I needed to get another three units just in case I need to go see the Psychologist again at school. If these memories keep coming Im not sure I can remain sane haha... ha I am scared to talk about them not sure why? perhaps because they have remained my secret. I feel like if I talk about those it's like opening a pandora's box and how would I keep dealing with emotions brought on by talking about it? Once I open up about it I know will come an array of questions and that opens up more stuff and the cycle continues- that's what Psychologists do isn't it? I think I will just meltdown having math, but in order to go see the Psychologist I would need 6 damn units. Like taking my tuition money and charging me more per unit because I have an excess of credits isn't enough... 

Whatever I ordered some happy jewelry to feel better :)



If you or someone you know is in need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for theNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit theInternational Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

My Husband = My Rock

"How Beautiful Life Is When You Are In The World"- Unknown

I always said my husband saved me and this is why... 
My husband and I met online... My Space to be exact. He found me on My Space and stalked me for months and I ignored him. He would read my dark poetry and words and challenged me to think more positive about life and the world. I was in a dark place and writing like I have been doing recently here was my outlet. That's when I started feeling like he had saved me. Saved me from being in a dark place. When you are in a dark place your thought process is pretty dark; like you view the world with dark shades. I stopped ignoring him, he and I talked a lot and we found we had a lot in common; the rest was history. 

I recently(April-May) felt again like I was in that dark place like last time, but this time in a moment of sanity I felt fear. Fear of the unknown... fear of what if. I was scared that if suicide crossed my mind while I was still feeling like I was in a dark place and was alone that I would not be here now typing this. I told my husband I was not suicidal, I had no plans of it, and I was not thinking of it that said I had to talk to him about  what I thought were my suicide risk factors. The days following this conversation I laid in bed starring at the window with tears coming out of my eyes. Before this my husband had been motivating me to get out of bed for weeks but this felt different. I had the feeling of intense hopelessness, my dog was dying, school trouble... "I told him I did not have anything to get up for... There is no reason too". This was worse than what I felt in high school... what ever was going on in high school had to do with a lot of rage I felt (a story for another day). This was intense feelings and darkness- hard to explain and unless you been through it yourself you cannot understand. I knew it was coming eventually since last year... getting in the car driving while crying and purposely driving through two red lights, how I acted with drinking too many pills while taking the CPART course, and months of recycled memories going through my head... this was coming. 

My husband never has been one to show much emotion ... and sometimes I wish I had married someone sweeter and nicer with words than he is... just like he knew what he was getting into dating me (see above) and I knew what he was like as well we still got married and made a commitment too each other. Most of the time he can be insensitive and not even realize it... never says the right thing, or not as supportive and loving as he should be, but during this trial in our life he has been there for me more than I expected him to be. He has been my motivator, my cheerleader, he kept his arms around me when I cried about my dog, he held my hand when I cried my self to sleep the night before taking our dog to be euthanized, he took me to get my first tattoo, we go walking everyday and motivates me to keep doing it, he has been helping me to keep busy, overall just keeping an eye on me which sometimes might get overwhelming but he means well :)
I love my husband. 

Here is an article I like talking about this very thing...


If you or someone you know is in need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for theNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit theInternational Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.

Monday, May 23, 2016

My LEGAL Smoke Blend

In April when I was really depressed so much so I scared my self and my husband because I felt like there was nothing to get up for anymore and all my symptoms had gotten worse. I have not been diagnosed with depression but I know I have some type of depression. I been dealing with it since high school and gotten more frequent in the last four years(since I moved to Las Vegas). In the last year it has gotten worse and dangerous.

The ONLY thing that got me up from bed and got to feel giddy and happy (while thinking of it) was thinking that I was going to get high on drugs. I have never done anything illegal like drugs, I have no idea what it feels like or what people with drugs go through from experience because I have 0 personal knowledge. The only thing I have had an addiction to was over the counter pills that I used when my anxiety got me sick -it's under control now I occasionally drink them. Other than that I have no idea how to go about purchasing illegal marijuana or how to roll a joint or anything else. 

The best thing I got was a mixture of herbs that I mixed together. After I got up from bed happy that I thought I was going to get stone and not feel and feel numb and forget about what I was thinking about I went to my desktop computer and decided to plug it back in (after I had disconnected it for days) I went online did some quick research on legal smokable herbs that were consider depressants from: http://www.smokableherbs.com/category/all-herbs/depressant-alike/ and then I went on Etsy and order a bunch of herbs -four to be exact and I order this glass smoking pipe in the picture above and waited. 

While I waited I became anxious and kept having the thoughts I was having which consisted of recycled intrusive memories that came back to me after taking a course (c-part tactics). I was happier that I was going to get my herbs, but when I thought of the memories I got urges to self-injure my arm ...the urges have been there since I took the course which was months back but because I had other things I was stressed about I think it became worse. So I hurt my arm. 
 I finally received my herbs and then grinded them by hand (now I have a new tool a grinder) and my glass pipe and I fill it up and smoke it. The website says that some of these herbs make you feel a certain high but for me I just feel good. I am NOT impaired in any way or high... and to be honest it saved me<--------- My own personal opinion. It did save me... I was able to get out of my really dark depressive mood I was in, I was able to get up, I was able to start feeling my appetite again, I was able to finish my Capstone Project course that I thought I was going to now fail and get this I received an A! I was able to do months of homework in less than a week now that's an accomplishment, I was not happy out of no where though that's still a work in progress at the moment but I am no longer crying how I was, I am not hurting myself, I am more relaxed, less anxious, I am not in a dark scary place... so to me it is safe to say that my "smoke blend" helped me. 

I am not worried about the health consequences of it yet... I worry about that when the time comes. If smoking my herbs in drug paraphernalia (not illegal if there is nothing illegal inside)  working for me and has aid me why not? It is not hurting anyone, I am not impaired, it legal and not breaking the law, and I am still careful with smoking it... at the moment I am not working much so I have all this spare time that I can smoke it. I don't need to smoke it as often now... sure I bet is not the same as smoking the illegal version and works slower or not as potent, or the effect not last long but whatever its good. I like it and I will continue to use it. The only thing I don't have the guts to do yet is to take the glass pipe out of the house. I can still be arrest for having it even though there is nothing illegal inside and it is not illegal to carry here they can still arrest me if they feel like it. I can think of worse side effects from drugs that a doctor might prescribe me so no one should say otherwise.

They may be more potent if smoke on their own- These are the following herbs I am smoking in my blend.
http://www.smokableherbs.com/white-sage/
White Sage
Mullein
Damiana
Uva Ursi Leaf

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Self- Injury Scars

Warning: trigger warning
I doubt anyone is going to read this post... but if you do happen to stumble upon my blog I am sorry, and please do not follow my example I do not encourage or support in any way self- injuring. Please find other ways of dealing with your feelings other than self- harming there is a link below that might help you find another way to help release feelings and thoughts in a more positive and loving way.




My left wrist and my right wrist. They no longer look raw and are healed just scarred now. After I hurt my self my husband noticed after two days that I had injured them because he felt the band-aid at night time and he saw my other arm an kept insisting in knowing what had happened. Unfortunately he is not new to this... but said that I had done it because I was not

following the plan that we set up together. I disagree, but I am not a Dr. neither is he. I have stop doing it at the moment.  It's not my first time involved in self- injury... I have always done it for short periods of time. I always regret it as well. I know that doing harm to my self like self-injury only helps me feel better for a very short period of time. Once it's done is done. It hurts, it looks unattractive and I run the risk of getting it infected. I had to hide them with band aids since I am not wearing long sleeves. I have been wearing band aids and bracelets over them. I stop wearing band aids now that they are healed I only wear bracelets over them or try to be very careful. I had to go to an interview with band aids on! how embarrassing is that but they did not see them. I keep putting on all sorts of things on them(lotions, vitamin E oil, Aloe) http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Rid-of-Self-Harm-Scarshoping unrealistically that the next day they will be gone. Right. They are fading slowly but my left arm looks pretty dark. I am hoping they are gone by the time my nephews come over for the Fourth of July or I would be wearing band-aids.

This blog provides ideas you can do instead of self-harming
http://www.adolescentselfinjuryfoundation.com/page11  I like the ideas of drawing on my arm, thinking about not wanting scars in the summer, snapping a rubber band on your hand, meditating, writing a "I love myself letter" and reading it when your down, going for a long drive, jog or run, write your memoirs, stretching, shopping sounds nice too!, mood journal and write down your triggers. I think the best way to help yourself is to get help from someone else a friend, a psychologist, a mentor, etc

I like writing when I was younger I used to have diaries, when I was in high school I wrote poetry and drew...my poetry was dark but it helped me tremendously since it is hard for me to speak about what I am feeling or going through and easier to just write it out... (I should tell that to my future shrink), and now I like blogging even though I start a blog and never continue I think I will keep doing this so far it has helped me deal with what has been going on lately.

If you or someone you know is in need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for theNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit theInternational Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.

My First Tattoo In Memory Of My Dog Charlie Bean

Did you see that smile at the beginning of the video? First smile in months. Don't mind the pain face... I ended up liking the pain don't let the video fool you.

May 5th

Derailment Hitting ROCK BOTTOM


The events below are my account of the events from February- Beginning of May. April being the worst month of them all. 

I Quit

I have been off and not my self since the end of February of this year. I started the year off by quitting my job (In January, I was sick of the unprofessional character and actions of my co-worker... and boss)... I requested a second meeting and I ended up getting angry and just quit on the spot... forget a two week notice. I was out of a job and my husband had been since last year as well so not the smartest thing to do, but honestly I was going to lose my mind in a preschool setting and I am glad I did an exit before that happened. I have always been professional at my job and always have left what ever goes on in my personal life out the door , but I did not expect to come back to y former place of employment to a disaster; I felt bad making my exist because of the children, but the problems there where making me sick and that's how it started. Dealing with the experiences I was dealing with and some things the director told me out of anger made me very upset and disappointed in the field all together. I no longer want to work in the preschool setting... it's all I know. 

Community College (Double major in Sociology and Mental Health Tech) 
I was upset for allowing my self to Fail at my math course. It was the first time in a long time that I did well in a math course yet I failed it! I had taken great pride in getting excellent grades in the last four year since I started taking college seriously. I took pride in being a member of the Kappa Honor Society, but that flew out the window after my GPA which was around a 3.6 suffered after getting a D in Philosophy and then it suffered again this last Fall semester when I got an F in math ... I was devastated... I hate saying this and I might get in trouble for saying it, but I am saying it anyways because I can; I understand why kids jump out windows to their deaths over their school performance. I just understand don't ask why I do, but I do.

Disability? ... You are Just Stupid

 I had requested the services of the Disability Resource Center at my college after getting a diagnosis of Dyscalculia (math learning disorder) and the staff at the DRC refuse to take my diagnosis. While I was at the meeting they saw me cry and instead they sent me to see the shrink from the college. Do not get me wrong he seems nice... probably the only one that can get me to open up to talk about my feels, but honestly I was very angry and not really in the exploring, opening up my life moment. I am really I am the type of person that holds everything inside and I just let it all explode do I really need a psychologist to see that? NO. I always been a good listener, always have helped my co-workers with problems, issues what not and I think it is also important to see a Psychologist if needed and talk about what your feeling but I cannot follow my own advice even if my life depended on it. The only thing I worried about at that moment was if he found out all my secrets and things that has happened to me, what I have done to myself, so on. I can only imagine, but if no one knows and that stuff is and eventually going to harm me in the long run why should I keep keeping it to myself?  I know better, but he is in the college setting and not his private practice therefore limited in time, and I wonder how much I really can tell him. I don't want to feel vulnerable again. I know I need to see a Psychologist especially since my depression getting worse. BTW  so, the DRC wanted him to verify if I have Social Anxiety like the diagnostician said I had yet she had no credentials to diagnose me with that(she said my doctors had to diagnose me yet she still wrote it on my report). The DRC decided to run with that and send me to the shrink to get it verified, but they decided to ignore the fact that she had diagnosed me with severe math dyscalculia which by the way she is qualified to diagnosed me with. In their defense the major problem is she is not even in the state, and their problem was also that the report did not look like what they normally receive which to me is a bunch of BS. The report is easy to understand for those who have learning disabilities like my self, without jargon...she explained that she does it without jargon on purpose... I don't know why that was a problem it might not have looked like the cookie cutter format they are used to seeing but it definitely was in the APA format which is the only requirement of how it's suppose to look, it had all the necessary background, testing material, graphs (which they did not like) and everything else needed to support the diagnosis of dyscalculia and yes the report seemed longer than expected and that was a problem as well. I know I have dyscalculia I have LIVED it ...all the information in that report is accurate. The psychologist was nice enough to give me a report for them with a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder Performance Type... so now I have to take it once the summer session restarts to the DRC and see if they can accept that now which I think they will because that's what they wanted. I honestly think that they have no choice they had to find some way to accommodate me because I can turn around and sue them or file a discrimination complaint against the school... which I thought about because the lady who diagnosed me told me that I should file an appeal and then do what I just mentioned...but they did not even offer me the option of appealing and this whole mess with the DRC sent me into a deeper depression. I used to call my self stupid because of my math problems but I had stopped when I realized I might have a learning disorder. After they reject the diagnosis of Dyscalculia I felt like they did not care and two I started seeing myself as being stupid again (my problem). If I appeal and make a fuss about it I doubt I have the energy, the guts, and the mental stamina I would need getting into a debate while I was feeling the way that I was. Right now it seems like I am doing better and I do not want anything derailing me again into feeling the way I did... it was an awful feeling. 
~still pending~

My Best Friend, My Yellow Lab Charlie Bean

Charlie came into our lives through craigslist when we lived in Reno Nevada. I begged my husband for a dog and since I was working full time he did not want me to get a puppy so I looked on Craigslist and I found Charlie for free. Did I say free... yes FREE. He was not a puppy. My husband was hesitant... but I felt that I could not live without a dog I have always had dogs growing up so I felt empty without a dog in my life... besides we don not have any children and Charlie filled that void. When we went to meet the man and the dog we were surprised to see the dog coming in the back of a truck without a leash, a ball of super energy, and obese (literally a ball). I can tell my husband did not want him but we took him anyways. We tried walking him that same day at the marina wow was that a mistake. Charlie did not know how to walk on a leash, in fact we had to use a tool to break a tight chain he had on his neck. The current owner said he had found him on the streets and the previous owner did not want him back. When they found him he was skinny and he fed him.... apparently he did not reduce the amount he fed him because he looked like a rolly :) I put Charlie on a diet, walked him and played ball with him every day and added Bean to his name to make it Charlie Bean.
he was my best friend.

My dog Charlie Bean dying was like the cherry on top to everything else. My best friend, my therapy dog (not officially), my workout buddy, everything and much more is gone :( what am I going to do without him?
It was time for him to get his yearly shots and check up and I made an appointment to take him in. I also wanted to discuss with the doctor that he had been trying to throw up for a couple of weeks. I thought it was normal because of the amount of hair he normally sheds that some of that might have made it through his throat... so I wanted to make sure she checked that before giving him his shots. Turns out we did an x-ray and we found out that he had a very large tumor by his lungs at age 11 she did not give him until the end of the month. We got the news on April 1st of all days... April fools day it all seemed like a cruel ugly joke I seemed in shock for a few days and then came intense guilt and sadness. I felt guilty because the year before I noticed he was louder when we walked just louder and when I took him to his older vet he told me this was normal for Labradors so I said okay. If maybe I would have followed my instincts like "what if", I felt guilty because I did not have the extra option of having him do a surgery and chemo because of the costs since we lack employment... the worse part is I saw two people on my Facebook that one had a tumor also and she went ahead with a procedure to see if her dogs tumor was cancerous, and the other person it was not a tumor but another type of procedure; both dogs being older like Charlie. When I saw that they decided to go through with surgeries and I could not I immediately started crying. It was hard to stop crying over my decision of not doing surgery on Charlie or Chemo. I can now say that even if I had the funds I would not have gone through the procedure because the doctor herself said it was very risky especially for a dog Charlie's age. I just generally felt bad seeing him sometimes because I would focus on his breathing and I would just break down over it... I remember laying down on the couch and he came over and he laid down next to the couch and instead of watching the movie that my husband and I were suppose to be watching I focused on his breathing and how fast his chest rose up and down. I immediately started to cry over the fact that his breathing seemed limited; Charlie Bean stood up and licked my tears and after he licked my tears I stop crying, he went over to the banana peel I had near my legs and was trying to eat it :) he was such a sweet caretaker. He was always so damn happy, that's what made it difficult he seemed like his normal happy go lucky, big buffoon, and attention seeking loving self all the time that we did not suspect he was already dying and at the end its what made it difficult for me to take him in to give him his wings. The night before the day I had made decision to take him in I cried myself to sleep and my husband held my hand. I normally see euthanasia a little different than others. In order for you to have the strength to do it you have to see it as giving your animal a gift since they had given you the gift of loving you, companionship and lovely memories you in return need to give them the gift of giving them peace, no pain, and no more suffering. Even though I think of euthanasia this way and have taken two pets the previous year to do that procedure going through with it with my Charlie was extremely hard for me. The day of was a somber day leading up to it. I decided to take Charlie Bean to the park to sniff around in the morning. In the afternoon I took his paw print again and inked it on a piece of paper to send it to the tattoo artist. Then I made the dreaded call to make his appointment for the euthanasia and they gave us an appointment right away. When we found out he was sick we started taking him to the lake in a community near us and he would love to go duck watching it was our routine. We took him there right before our appointment for he can see the ducks one last time. The procedure took for ever which made me anxious but finally it was time for me to sit next to him and my husband watched as I caressed him and talked to him until he was gone. I saw my husband tear up for the first time. I teared up as well, but I immediately felt  a sense of calmness, I was at peace with the decisions we had made, and I no longer felt guilty. I was feeling good, but I had to ignore some calls I got right after I posted a memorial on my Facebook. I did not want people reminding me he was gone and making me talk about it when I was already at peace.  
A Little History
The fact that I missed the date that I wanted to graduate because of my math issues, problems with my disability status at school, little employment and husband employment issues, my dog being sick and being put down, and whatever else I missed helped push me over the edge. I have always felt like I have depression and I noticed it in high school. Fast forward I was the happiest when I moved to Reno with my husband until he lost his job and our lease was up he decided we needed to move to Las Vegas after four years of happiness in Reno. I had to leave my job so unexpectedly; it was really hard because I have trouble meeting people, getting close to others, I had finally felt like I formed connections and friendships which takes me a long time to form! and now I had to go... I loved Reno I had already considered it my forever home. When I moved to Las Vegas four years ago this April I was extremely angry. Unfortunately due to the situation I blamed my husband and he got all my anger ... all of it! I was like throwing fits, yelling at him, crying, depressed, mad... you name it I have never ever seen myself this angry ever! wow my poor husband. That lasted a whole year. I think it would have lasted less if I would have gotten a job sooner because when I don't have a job I am a menace. We were just joking about how mad I was and he said it took you a year to stop being mad, but you haven't gotten over the fact that we had to leave, your living here and I just realize it is true. I have always adjusted slowly to change, but I did not realize that four years later I would still be trying to adjust. My husband and I would like to move to Oregon yet we are stuck here until I finish school why? because I told my husband I am not moving again when we moved here until I finished school yet I can't pass my F****** math courses. It is extremely frustrating and I feel stuck here I hate Las Vegas and this college (I should change my negative outlook). I know his mother lives here in Las Vegas and it's good that he spends time with her, but we both dislike Las Vegas. After we moved my depression came and went more often and more when I work less or I am unemployed. I have distracted my self with my college courses and I have done well with getting great grades so that's a plus. I do get depressed and I give up in the middle of the semester even though I seem to be doing well and then I snap out of it and I have to rush to get that A or B. I noticed in the Fall semester of last year I had four courses and one was one where they teach you the CPART stuff needed for mental health and I had to attend campus. It was a short term class but I had to be there like three times a week. I was actually social but I had MAJOR problems in that course. I don't want to go into details but one night I got upset because the professor told me that I needed to participate in the role play that day because it was a requirement for the course and this course he either failed you or passed you with a grade but if you could not make the moves for the c-part he would give you an incomplete if you could not demonstrate that you could even if you get an A in the rest of course. I refuse to do the role play which consisted of being the patient and being the Mental Health Technician. I had to go up and do it, but I was nervous, jumpy and sweating and I was NOT going to do it especially after heard the "bullies" of the class make fun of me and my partner. I was already freaking out and then I over heard them making fun of us and that was it! so I was the first one out of class that day and I was upset thinking that was it you know I am not passing the class; that's what it took for me to take that and make a big mess in my head. I was crying walking to my car and it got worse once I started the car. Yes I made the mistake and drove. What was I thinking? I was not. I got home opened the door and my husband heard me crying came down and asked what happened and I could not talk ( I go mute and hyperventilate) finally I told him what happened and that I drove straight through two red lights coming home on my 15 minute ride. Red lights... what was that? so impulsive and reckless I honestly can't remember that night driving home just running the red lights. I was worried... that night I told my husband if I got worse he would have to take me somewhere. Now I said that but I doubt he thought where I would be going he did not know what had been going on with me through the whole course. I did have nocturnal anxiety attacks that he knew about and it was my first time getting the nocturnal ones. I am the only one that really knew what was going on. The only thing that my classmates noticed is that I was shy and eventually I started laughing... it was a nervous laugh I had developed, but my bullies thought I was just laughing and not taking the class seriously, but it was not the case. I drink some over the counter meds for my stomach the opposite of laxatives because I get so much anxiety and I drink them because I get ill. Well when I had the CPART course I would drink so many I would lose count I am sure I drank more than it said I should. I have had addictions to over the counter stuff before shhh, It's under control now, but not when I took the course. After the day I drove through the red lights the teacher emailed me the next day saying that I should not worry about not doing the role play and that he hoped I showed up with a smile the next day for the final exam. I instantly felt better and I knew I had one more day and I was done. I passed the class!  then I felt fine like nothing happened. This is when I knew that my depression and anxiety was getting worse. I was thinking that I should have gone to the Counseling and Psychological services to see someone at school that semester but I did not I hesitated. This year I only took my capstone project course for Mental Health----> how Ironic isn't it? and I did okay at the beginning and then I could not focus. I could not concentrate at all I had like three months to work on this project and I could not. I stared at my computer screen with a blank stare or I would go off thinking about some memories that came back since I was in the CPART course. I was having these memories all along but now it was worse I think because I had all these other stressors going on that it made it worse. It was like a record playing over and over in my mind. These memories played while I was driving, while I was on the computer, while I was trying to enjoy my day, trying to sleep, after having sex you name it. Manic much? PTSD? Clinical Depression? Bipolar? what? I was having a hard time sleeping, I was feeling sick to my stomach, not focusing, crying, lack of energy and feeling tired, feeling depressed, I was having a hard time getting up from bed without motivation from my husband, and I felt guilty because of the dog. You wouldn't think that things could get any worse. Oh they did




Breakdown
After I saw the psychologist a second time it took like two days for me to completely feel like I had lost it all. I don't know if it just was coming or if my emotions somehow got stirred in therapy? I do not know what happened. I did not realize how fast life can get so complicated; I did not think life and it's up and downs could get any worse... but they did. I unplugged my computer the last straw for this was feeling the guilt I felt while watching others doing surgery on their dogs and I could not. I uninstalled Facebook and Instagram from my cell phone. I had isolated my self by not texting back, or calling people back, or replaying to my job related inquiries. I only did not reply back after two days I think because I kept getting the question are you okay? I had posted something on Facebook too that I was not going to be on as much or maybe not at all and just unplugged myself. I feel I only replied because they had annoyed me. I did not see it at the moment as pushing others away and isolating myself I saw it more like I needed to do it just because I needed sanity, I see now how dangerous it could have been. I lost my appetite, but forced my self to eat for maybe two weeks. When I thought about certain memories I would gag or have the feeling of throwing up. I cried more than I had been doing... cried when my husband told me to join him to go out and pick up lunch, I was feeling more tired, I had this immense feeling of hopelessness I think because I was hopeless with the situation of school and my dog, and the worst feeling was getting up because I felt I had nothing to get up for; there was no reason to do so. I told my husband I did not care to get better, I did not care to get up... we did a plan to get over the hump. He helped me follow it by motivating me and at first I did follow it and then I did not. I was still dealing with the memories that the CPART class had brought on and 
I started with my self injury again (on my arm) which I have been wanting to do since the CPART course and did not until this moment. I also had to talk to my husband after I had seen the psychologist. I told my husband that I was not suicidal, I had no plans to hurt my self or others, or I was not thinking of it, BUT I had to tell him and remind him of some things and some he did not know about that put me at risk. Yes I have Suicide Risk Factors and only him and I know what they are until I decide to see a Psychologist. I cannot afford one right now and even if I did it will be hard to open up to someone that I do not know. So that happened it became very scary. The only thing that got me up and feeling better was thinking that I would get high on drugs. Marijuana to be exact. I have no idea what it means to get high. I have no idea how to roll a joint or how and where to get it. Never liked smoking or thinking about illegal drugs. All of a sudden just the thought made me happy. I got back on the computer and immediately did some quick research and looked up smokeable herbs.  I became extremely impulsive and bought like four herbs and a glass pipe. http://www.smokableherbs.com/white-sage/  <---- from this website I looked up herbs I can smoke that they consider Legal Depressants. I smoke like four different herbs in a glass pipe. Yes a glass pipe like the ones that are considered drug paraphernalia. I had to look up on YOUTUBE videos to figure out how to use it the glass pipe to smoke. It's all LEGAL too and as long as I do not put any illegal substances in the glass pipe I should not be arrested but they still can if they feel like it but technically they should not. I grind my herbs with a grinder (another new tool I learned about), put it in the pipe and light it up and smoke it. I am happy I have made the choice to smoke my "smoking blend" it's not illegal, I am not hurting anyone, I am not getting "high" or impaired and but I am still careful to make sure that I am not just because of what I do for employment (barely work),  or breaking the law, and I got to finish my capstone project because of it! yes I would get up spend a couple overnights working on it and a few days and I finish months of homework in less than a week. I felt more relax, I stop feeling sick, I could focus, I didn't feel happy but I was not feeling too depressed and i did not cry as much. I do have to smoke it more I think than I would if it were illegal to work faster or longer but I don't care. As for side effects I am not worried about that I deal with that when the time comes. As long as I get up, feel better, not hurt my self, do my homework, and finish school... I don't care. What would have happened if I did not find this option? I don't want to think of it. Honestly if I see a psychiatrist on the normal basis I know he is going to push drugs on me(let's be honest) which is fine but those have side effects too. It scares me that a potential side effect that no one talks about can be increase thoughts of suicide. No thanks... not at this moment is drugs an option for me. I keep smoking.   

I still haven't gotten my super cheesy smile back  and my friendly self that everyone knows and loves... I miss it actually, but behind that smile and positive happy go self I always hid everything and no one noticed a thing. This year it has been a lot harder to do so and people have noticed because I have told them a little... and now they keep asking me if I am okay and even If I say I am they don't believe me. I am feeling better though and I am thankful for that. I passed my capstone class with an A :) , I have more hours coming for employment, I have plans with people, I am planning on working on myself, I am taking care of my diet and started working out regularly will hopefully go back to the gym, and I signed up for math prep courses (not sure I am going), signed up for math in the Fall semester, and will take care of the issues with the DRC and turn in the paperwork that the psychologist gave me and see what happens. Life goes on. This too shall pass.


My tattoo I got in memory of my best friend :) I am so happy I did too!  









Charlie 11 years old earned his wings May 1st 2016






If you or someone you know is in need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for theNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit theInternational Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.