Saturday, May 28, 2016


Just when I thought I was feeling better I feel very emotional. Had to warn my husband today right before we went into the grocery store that I was feeling very anxious and and that I had a hard time breathing... I did not know how to explain it just told him like kinda like I am about to have an anxiety attack. Before we went to the grocery store I had a big meltdown with tears, anger, and all over nothing really... it was something but nothing I should have gotten worked up for. When we got home he asked if I had smoked yet? I said "no"...he said "well that's why" so I smoked a bowl (bowl I learned is the size of the bowl "hole"of the end of your smoking pipe). After I smoked I felt better and he said "I notice a big difference". I am still keep rewinding and forwarding those damn memories I keep remembering day I might tell you about those, but I am not ready to do so. 

I was suppose to attend a class called math prep that i had paid for to help me with math since I can't seem to pass it and I just did not want to go. I don't know why I did not want to go. Well there goes that idea.

I have a lunch date tomorrow and another in a few days more. I am trying to stay in touch with others and not isolate my self much... well actually it was all their idea so scratch that. I registered for Fall semester Math the one I failed ...sigh... and one for Autism Spectrum Disorders. I was just going to get the math course and that's what I should have done but I felt that I needed to get another three units just in case I need to go see the Psychologist again at school. If these memories keep coming Im not sure I can remain sane haha... ha I am scared to talk about them not sure why? perhaps because they have remained my secret. I feel like if I talk about those it's like opening a pandora's box and how would I keep dealing with emotions brought on by talking about it? Once I open up about it I know will come an array of questions and that opens up more stuff and the cycle continues- that's what Psychologists do isn't it? I think I will just meltdown having math, but in order to go see the Psychologist I would need 6 damn units. Like taking my tuition money and charging me more per unit because I have an excess of credits isn't enough... 

Whatever I ordered some happy jewelry to feel better :)

If you or someone you know is in need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for theNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit theInternational Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.

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