Thursday, May 26, 2016

My Husband = My Rock

"How Beautiful Life Is When You Are In The World"- Unknown

I always said my husband saved me and this is why... 
My husband and I met online... My Space to be exact. He found me on My Space and stalked me for months and I ignored him. He would read my dark poetry and words and challenged me to think more positive about life and the world. I was in a dark place and writing like I have been doing recently here was my outlet. That's when I started feeling like he had saved me. Saved me from being in a dark place. When you are in a dark place your thought process is pretty dark; like you view the world with dark shades. I stopped ignoring him, he and I talked a lot and we found we had a lot in common; the rest was history. 

I recently(April-May) felt again like I was in that dark place like last time, but this time in a moment of sanity I felt fear. Fear of the unknown... fear of what if. I was scared that if suicide crossed my mind while I was still feeling like I was in a dark place and was alone that I would not be here now typing this. I told my husband I was not suicidal, I had no plans of it, and I was not thinking of it that said I had to talk to him about  what I thought were my suicide risk factors. The days following this conversation I laid in bed starring at the window with tears coming out of my eyes. Before this my husband had been motivating me to get out of bed for weeks but this felt different. I had the feeling of intense hopelessness, my dog was dying, school trouble... "I told him I did not have anything to get up for... There is no reason too". This was worse than what I felt in high school... what ever was going on in high school had to do with a lot of rage I felt (a story for another day). This was intense feelings and darkness- hard to explain and unless you been through it yourself you cannot understand. I knew it was coming eventually since last year... getting in the car driving while crying and purposely driving through two red lights, how I acted with drinking too many pills while taking the CPART course, and months of recycled memories going through my head... this was coming. 

My husband never has been one to show much emotion ... and sometimes I wish I had married someone sweeter and nicer with words than he is... just like he knew what he was getting into dating me (see above) and I knew what he was like as well we still got married and made a commitment too each other. Most of the time he can be insensitive and not even realize it... never says the right thing, or not as supportive and loving as he should be, but during this trial in our life he has been there for me more than I expected him to be. He has been my motivator, my cheerleader, he kept his arms around me when I cried about my dog, he held my hand when I cried my self to sleep the night before taking our dog to be euthanized, he took me to get my first tattoo, we go walking everyday and motivates me to keep doing it, he has been helping me to keep busy, overall just keeping an eye on me which sometimes might get overwhelming but he means well :)
I love my husband. 

Here is an article I like talking about this very thing...

If you or someone you know is in need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for theNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit theInternational Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.

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