Sunday, May 22, 2016

Derailment Hitting ROCK BOTTOM

The events below are my account of the events from February- Beginning of May. April being the worst month of them all. 

I Quit

I have been off and not my self since the end of February of this year. I started the year off by quitting my job (In January, I was sick of the unprofessional character and actions of my co-worker... and boss)... I requested a second meeting and I ended up getting angry and just quit on the spot... forget a two week notice. I was out of a job and my husband had been since last year as well so not the smartest thing to do, but honestly I was going to lose my mind in a preschool setting and I am glad I did an exit before that happened. I have always been professional at my job and always have left what ever goes on in my personal life out the door , but I did not expect to come back to y former place of employment to a disaster; I felt bad making my exist because of the children, but the problems there where making me sick and that's how it started. Dealing with the experiences I was dealing with and some things the director told me out of anger made me very upset and disappointed in the field all together. I no longer want to work in the preschool setting... it's all I know. 

Community College (Double major in Sociology and Mental Health Tech) 
I was upset for allowing my self to Fail at my math course. It was the first time in a long time that I did well in a math course yet I failed it! I had taken great pride in getting excellent grades in the last four year since I started taking college seriously. I took pride in being a member of the Kappa Honor Society, but that flew out the window after my GPA which was around a 3.6 suffered after getting a D in Philosophy and then it suffered again this last Fall semester when I got an F in math ... I was devastated... I hate saying this and I might get in trouble for saying it, but I am saying it anyways because I can; I understand why kids jump out windows to their deaths over their school performance. I just understand don't ask why I do, but I do.

Disability? ... You are Just Stupid

 I had requested the services of the Disability Resource Center at my college after getting a diagnosis of Dyscalculia (math learning disorder) and the staff at the DRC refuse to take my diagnosis. While I was at the meeting they saw me cry and instead they sent me to see the shrink from the college. Do not get me wrong he seems nice... probably the only one that can get me to open up to talk about my feels, but honestly I was very angry and not really in the exploring, opening up my life moment. I am really I am the type of person that holds everything inside and I just let it all explode do I really need a psychologist to see that? NO. I always been a good listener, always have helped my co-workers with problems, issues what not and I think it is also important to see a Psychologist if needed and talk about what your feeling but I cannot follow my own advice even if my life depended on it. The only thing I worried about at that moment was if he found out all my secrets and things that has happened to me, what I have done to myself, so on. I can only imagine, but if no one knows and that stuff is and eventually going to harm me in the long run why should I keep keeping it to myself?  I know better, but he is in the college setting and not his private practice therefore limited in time, and I wonder how much I really can tell him. I don't want to feel vulnerable again. I know I need to see a Psychologist especially since my depression getting worse. BTW  so, the DRC wanted him to verify if I have Social Anxiety like the diagnostician said I had yet she had no credentials to diagnose me with that(she said my doctors had to diagnose me yet she still wrote it on my report). The DRC decided to run with that and send me to the shrink to get it verified, but they decided to ignore the fact that she had diagnosed me with severe math dyscalculia which by the way she is qualified to diagnosed me with. In their defense the major problem is she is not even in the state, and their problem was also that the report did not look like what they normally receive which to me is a bunch of BS. The report is easy to understand for those who have learning disabilities like my self, without jargon...she explained that she does it without jargon on purpose... I don't know why that was a problem it might not have looked like the cookie cutter format they are used to seeing but it definitely was in the APA format which is the only requirement of how it's suppose to look, it had all the necessary background, testing material, graphs (which they did not like) and everything else needed to support the diagnosis of dyscalculia and yes the report seemed longer than expected and that was a problem as well. I know I have dyscalculia I have LIVED it ...all the information in that report is accurate. The psychologist was nice enough to give me a report for them with a diagnosis of Social Anxiety Disorder Performance Type... so now I have to take it once the summer session restarts to the DRC and see if they can accept that now which I think they will because that's what they wanted. I honestly think that they have no choice they had to find some way to accommodate me because I can turn around and sue them or file a discrimination complaint against the school... which I thought about because the lady who diagnosed me told me that I should file an appeal and then do what I just mentioned...but they did not even offer me the option of appealing and this whole mess with the DRC sent me into a deeper depression. I used to call my self stupid because of my math problems but I had stopped when I realized I might have a learning disorder. After they reject the diagnosis of Dyscalculia I felt like they did not care and two I started seeing myself as being stupid again (my problem). If I appeal and make a fuss about it I doubt I have the energy, the guts, and the mental stamina I would need getting into a debate while I was feeling the way that I was. Right now it seems like I am doing better and I do not want anything derailing me again into feeling the way I did... it was an awful feeling. 
~still pending~

My Best Friend, My Yellow Lab Charlie Bean

Charlie came into our lives through craigslist when we lived in Reno Nevada. I begged my husband for a dog and since I was working full time he did not want me to get a puppy so I looked on Craigslist and I found Charlie for free. Did I say free... yes FREE. He was not a puppy. My husband was hesitant... but I felt that I could not live without a dog I have always had dogs growing up so I felt empty without a dog in my life... besides we don not have any children and Charlie filled that void. When we went to meet the man and the dog we were surprised to see the dog coming in the back of a truck without a leash, a ball of super energy, and obese (literally a ball). I can tell my husband did not want him but we took him anyways. We tried walking him that same day at the marina wow was that a mistake. Charlie did not know how to walk on a leash, in fact we had to use a tool to break a tight chain he had on his neck. The current owner said he had found him on the streets and the previous owner did not want him back. When they found him he was skinny and he fed him.... apparently he did not reduce the amount he fed him because he looked like a rolly :) I put Charlie on a diet, walked him and played ball with him every day and added Bean to his name to make it Charlie Bean.
he was my best friend.

My dog Charlie Bean dying was like the cherry on top to everything else. My best friend, my therapy dog (not officially), my workout buddy, everything and much more is gone :( what am I going to do without him?
It was time for him to get his yearly shots and check up and I made an appointment to take him in. I also wanted to discuss with the doctor that he had been trying to throw up for a couple of weeks. I thought it was normal because of the amount of hair he normally sheds that some of that might have made it through his throat... so I wanted to make sure she checked that before giving him his shots. Turns out we did an x-ray and we found out that he had a very large tumor by his lungs at age 11 she did not give him until the end of the month. We got the news on April 1st of all days... April fools day it all seemed like a cruel ugly joke I seemed in shock for a few days and then came intense guilt and sadness. I felt guilty because the year before I noticed he was louder when we walked just louder and when I took him to his older vet he told me this was normal for Labradors so I said okay. If maybe I would have followed my instincts like "what if", I felt guilty because I did not have the extra option of having him do a surgery and chemo because of the costs since we lack employment... the worse part is I saw two people on my Facebook that one had a tumor also and she went ahead with a procedure to see if her dogs tumor was cancerous, and the other person it was not a tumor but another type of procedure; both dogs being older like Charlie. When I saw that they decided to go through with surgeries and I could not I immediately started crying. It was hard to stop crying over my decision of not doing surgery on Charlie or Chemo. I can now say that even if I had the funds I would not have gone through the procedure because the doctor herself said it was very risky especially for a dog Charlie's age. I just generally felt bad seeing him sometimes because I would focus on his breathing and I would just break down over it... I remember laying down on the couch and he came over and he laid down next to the couch and instead of watching the movie that my husband and I were suppose to be watching I focused on his breathing and how fast his chest rose up and down. I immediately started to cry over the fact that his breathing seemed limited; Charlie Bean stood up and licked my tears and after he licked my tears I stop crying, he went over to the banana peel I had near my legs and was trying to eat it :) he was such a sweet caretaker. He was always so damn happy, that's what made it difficult he seemed like his normal happy go lucky, big buffoon, and attention seeking loving self all the time that we did not suspect he was already dying and at the end its what made it difficult for me to take him in to give him his wings. The night before the day I had made decision to take him in I cried myself to sleep and my husband held my hand. I normally see euthanasia a little different than others. In order for you to have the strength to do it you have to see it as giving your animal a gift since they had given you the gift of loving you, companionship and lovely memories you in return need to give them the gift of giving them peace, no pain, and no more suffering. Even though I think of euthanasia this way and have taken two pets the previous year to do that procedure going through with it with my Charlie was extremely hard for me. The day of was a somber day leading up to it. I decided to take Charlie Bean to the park to sniff around in the morning. In the afternoon I took his paw print again and inked it on a piece of paper to send it to the tattoo artist. Then I made the dreaded call to make his appointment for the euthanasia and they gave us an appointment right away. When we found out he was sick we started taking him to the lake in a community near us and he would love to go duck watching it was our routine. We took him there right before our appointment for he can see the ducks one last time. The procedure took for ever which made me anxious but finally it was time for me to sit next to him and my husband watched as I caressed him and talked to him until he was gone. I saw my husband tear up for the first time. I teared up as well, but I immediately felt  a sense of calmness, I was at peace with the decisions we had made, and I no longer felt guilty. I was feeling good, but I had to ignore some calls I got right after I posted a memorial on my Facebook. I did not want people reminding me he was gone and making me talk about it when I was already at peace.  
A Little History
The fact that I missed the date that I wanted to graduate because of my math issues, problems with my disability status at school, little employment and husband employment issues, my dog being sick and being put down, and whatever else I missed helped push me over the edge. I have always felt like I have depression and I noticed it in high school. Fast forward I was the happiest when I moved to Reno with my husband until he lost his job and our lease was up he decided we needed to move to Las Vegas after four years of happiness in Reno. I had to leave my job so unexpectedly; it was really hard because I have trouble meeting people, getting close to others, I had finally felt like I formed connections and friendships which takes me a long time to form! and now I had to go... I loved Reno I had already considered it my forever home. When I moved to Las Vegas four years ago this April I was extremely angry. Unfortunately due to the situation I blamed my husband and he got all my anger ... all of it! I was like throwing fits, yelling at him, crying, depressed, mad... you name it I have never ever seen myself this angry ever! wow my poor husband. That lasted a whole year. I think it would have lasted less if I would have gotten a job sooner because when I don't have a job I am a menace. We were just joking about how mad I was and he said it took you a year to stop being mad, but you haven't gotten over the fact that we had to leave, your living here and I just realize it is true. I have always adjusted slowly to change, but I did not realize that four years later I would still be trying to adjust. My husband and I would like to move to Oregon yet we are stuck here until I finish school why? because I told my husband I am not moving again when we moved here until I finished school yet I can't pass my F****** math courses. It is extremely frustrating and I feel stuck here I hate Las Vegas and this college (I should change my negative outlook). I know his mother lives here in Las Vegas and it's good that he spends time with her, but we both dislike Las Vegas. After we moved my depression came and went more often and more when I work less or I am unemployed. I have distracted my self with my college courses and I have done well with getting great grades so that's a plus. I do get depressed and I give up in the middle of the semester even though I seem to be doing well and then I snap out of it and I have to rush to get that A or B. I noticed in the Fall semester of last year I had four courses and one was one where they teach you the CPART stuff needed for mental health and I had to attend campus. It was a short term class but I had to be there like three times a week. I was actually social but I had MAJOR problems in that course. I don't want to go into details but one night I got upset because the professor told me that I needed to participate in the role play that day because it was a requirement for the course and this course he either failed you or passed you with a grade but if you could not make the moves for the c-part he would give you an incomplete if you could not demonstrate that you could even if you get an A in the rest of course. I refuse to do the role play which consisted of being the patient and being the Mental Health Technician. I had to go up and do it, but I was nervous, jumpy and sweating and I was NOT going to do it especially after heard the "bullies" of the class make fun of me and my partner. I was already freaking out and then I over heard them making fun of us and that was it! so I was the first one out of class that day and I was upset thinking that was it you know I am not passing the class; that's what it took for me to take that and make a big mess in my head. I was crying walking to my car and it got worse once I started the car. Yes I made the mistake and drove. What was I thinking? I was not. I got home opened the door and my husband heard me crying came down and asked what happened and I could not talk ( I go mute and hyperventilate) finally I told him what happened and that I drove straight through two red lights coming home on my 15 minute ride. Red lights... what was that? so impulsive and reckless I honestly can't remember that night driving home just running the red lights. I was worried... that night I told my husband if I got worse he would have to take me somewhere. Now I said that but I doubt he thought where I would be going he did not know what had been going on with me through the whole course. I did have nocturnal anxiety attacks that he knew about and it was my first time getting the nocturnal ones. I am the only one that really knew what was going on. The only thing that my classmates noticed is that I was shy and eventually I started laughing... it was a nervous laugh I had developed, but my bullies thought I was just laughing and not taking the class seriously, but it was not the case. I drink some over the counter meds for my stomach the opposite of laxatives because I get so much anxiety and I drink them because I get ill. Well when I had the CPART course I would drink so many I would lose count I am sure I drank more than it said I should. I have had addictions to over the counter stuff before shhh, It's under control now, but not when I took the course. After the day I drove through the red lights the teacher emailed me the next day saying that I should not worry about not doing the role play and that he hoped I showed up with a smile the next day for the final exam. I instantly felt better and I knew I had one more day and I was done. I passed the class!  then I felt fine like nothing happened. This is when I knew that my depression and anxiety was getting worse. I was thinking that I should have gone to the Counseling and Psychological services to see someone at school that semester but I did not I hesitated. This year I only took my capstone project course for Mental Health----> how Ironic isn't it? and I did okay at the beginning and then I could not focus. I could not concentrate at all I had like three months to work on this project and I could not. I stared at my computer screen with a blank stare or I would go off thinking about some memories that came back since I was in the CPART course. I was having these memories all along but now it was worse I think because I had all these other stressors going on that it made it worse. It was like a record playing over and over in my mind. These memories played while I was driving, while I was on the computer, while I was trying to enjoy my day, trying to sleep, after having sex you name it. Manic much? PTSD? Clinical Depression? Bipolar? what? I was having a hard time sleeping, I was feeling sick to my stomach, not focusing, crying, lack of energy and feeling tired, feeling depressed, I was having a hard time getting up from bed without motivation from my husband, and I felt guilty because of the dog. You wouldn't think that things could get any worse. Oh they did

After I saw the psychologist a second time it took like two days for me to completely feel like I had lost it all. I don't know if it just was coming or if my emotions somehow got stirred in therapy? I do not know what happened. I did not realize how fast life can get so complicated; I did not think life and it's up and downs could get any worse... but they did. I unplugged my computer the last straw for this was feeling the guilt I felt while watching others doing surgery on their dogs and I could not. I uninstalled Facebook and Instagram from my cell phone. I had isolated my self by not texting back, or calling people back, or replaying to my job related inquiries. I only did not reply back after two days I think because I kept getting the question are you okay? I had posted something on Facebook too that I was not going to be on as much or maybe not at all and just unplugged myself. I feel I only replied because they had annoyed me. I did not see it at the moment as pushing others away and isolating myself I saw it more like I needed to do it just because I needed sanity, I see now how dangerous it could have been. I lost my appetite, but forced my self to eat for maybe two weeks. When I thought about certain memories I would gag or have the feeling of throwing up. I cried more than I had been doing... cried when my husband told me to join him to go out and pick up lunch, I was feeling more tired, I had this immense feeling of hopelessness I think because I was hopeless with the situation of school and my dog, and the worst feeling was getting up because I felt I had nothing to get up for; there was no reason to do so. I told my husband I did not care to get better, I did not care to get up... we did a plan to get over the hump. He helped me follow it by motivating me and at first I did follow it and then I did not. I was still dealing with the memories that the CPART class had brought on and 
I started with my self injury again (on my arm) which I have been wanting to do since the CPART course and did not until this moment. I also had to talk to my husband after I had seen the psychologist. I told my husband that I was not suicidal, I had no plans to hurt my self or others, or I was not thinking of it, BUT I had to tell him and remind him of some things and some he did not know about that put me at risk. Yes I have Suicide Risk Factors and only him and I know what they are until I decide to see a Psychologist. I cannot afford one right now and even if I did it will be hard to open up to someone that I do not know. So that happened it became very scary. The only thing that got me up and feeling better was thinking that I would get high on drugs. Marijuana to be exact. I have no idea what it means to get high. I have no idea how to roll a joint or how and where to get it. Never liked smoking or thinking about illegal drugs. All of a sudden just the thought made me happy. I got back on the computer and immediately did some quick research and looked up smokeable herbs.  I became extremely impulsive and bought like four herbs and a glass pipe.  <---- from this website I looked up herbs I can smoke that they consider Legal Depressants. I smoke like four different herbs in a glass pipe. Yes a glass pipe like the ones that are considered drug paraphernalia. I had to look up on YOUTUBE videos to figure out how to use it the glass pipe to smoke. It's all LEGAL too and as long as I do not put any illegal substances in the glass pipe I should not be arrested but they still can if they feel like it but technically they should not. I grind my herbs with a grinder (another new tool I learned about), put it in the pipe and light it up and smoke it. I am happy I have made the choice to smoke my "smoking blend" it's not illegal, I am not hurting anyone, I am not getting "high" or impaired and but I am still careful to make sure that I am not just because of what I do for employment (barely work),  or breaking the law, and I got to finish my capstone project because of it! yes I would get up spend a couple overnights working on it and a few days and I finish months of homework in less than a week. I felt more relax, I stop feeling sick, I could focus, I didn't feel happy but I was not feeling too depressed and i did not cry as much. I do have to smoke it more I think than I would if it were illegal to work faster or longer but I don't care. As for side effects I am not worried about that I deal with that when the time comes. As long as I get up, feel better, not hurt my self, do my homework, and finish school... I don't care. What would have happened if I did not find this option? I don't want to think of it. Honestly if I see a psychiatrist on the normal basis I know he is going to push drugs on me(let's be honest) which is fine but those have side effects too. It scares me that a potential side effect that no one talks about can be increase thoughts of suicide. No thanks... not at this moment is drugs an option for me. I keep smoking.   

I still haven't gotten my super cheesy smile back  and my friendly self that everyone knows and loves... I miss it actually, but behind that smile and positive happy go self I always hid everything and no one noticed a thing. This year it has been a lot harder to do so and people have noticed because I have told them a little... and now they keep asking me if I am okay and even If I say I am they don't believe me. I am feeling better though and I am thankful for that. I passed my capstone class with an A :) , I have more hours coming for employment, I have plans with people, I am planning on working on myself, I am taking care of my diet and started working out regularly will hopefully go back to the gym, and I signed up for math prep courses (not sure I am going), signed up for math in the Fall semester, and will take care of the issues with the DRC and turn in the paperwork that the psychologist gave me and see what happens. Life goes on. This too shall pass.

My tattoo I got in memory of my best friend :) I am so happy I did too!  

Charlie 11 years old earned his wings May 1st 2016

If you or someone you know is in need help, please call 1-800-273-8255 for theNational Suicide Prevention Lifeline. If you are outside of the U.S., please visit theInternational Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of international resources.

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