Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Hope





Today I went to eat with an old friend. She was going to take half day off work to take her child to a doctor visit, but after she heard I was feeling depressed she immediately started to make plans to meet up and she eventually took day off entirely just to spend the morning with me before taking her son to the doctors. I do not have friends, or people I talk to often. I have two people other than my husband in my circle that I trust just enough for me to open up "some". One that has been my co-worker at a preschool we both worked at... we worked together in a classroom and she also was my boss at another school. The one that took day off we have been friends since high school and although she lives here in Las Vegas we hardily see each other but we keep in touch by texting.. our lives are so different now, but we can easily relate and pick up conversations like even after we don't talk for a while. We both got into some trouble in high school and we both had each others back and to me that means a lot. I am typically told that I am very likeable, I have a pretty smile, that I am cheerful, that I am a good listener, caring, a good friend and loyal. Yes I am that, the smile isn't really there lately and neither is my cheerful self. I have had co-workers I care about deeply and formed connections through work, but I do not consider them friends that I trust... or friends at all. They call me a friend... but I do not call anyone a friend; I have not considered them friends saying that hurts I think, but what am I going to do if it takes me what seems forever to be able to trust someone. Once you have my trust and you do something to break that trust forget it; I remember everything and I also hold grudges. My circle is very small I know that and yes It's lonely. I said it ...I admit it even though I have always said I like to be a loner that's not the truth it's very lonely place when you need others and it seems like there is no one there. Even though I have two "friends" in my circle it has been difficult to fully admit what has been going on with me. Not even my parents know what I have been through this last year and especially this year.

I do have to say that people do care. I have felt their concern and love this year through my depression episodes or whatever you call what I been going through. I do feel I have like Clinical Depression to be honest. Ever since high school I have felt like I have some sort of depression and since then it has gotten worse and now a little in the scary side this past year.

Well I can see I strayed what was I talking about again? so she took the day off came to my house we chatted a bit and then we went to Sweet Tomatoes and after eating she came back hung out a bit and then she left. It was nice to catch up and we both agree we need to do it more often.

Today so far I have had a good day. No meltdowns, no anxiety attack, no tears, no deep thinking... I went out to eat, smoked a bowl or two, had a short nap this afternoon, had sex :), went out to walk, grocery shopping and finally settling down to writing. I am satisfied with today. 

This upcoming month I am hoping that things start to turn around for me. I started going to the gym again hopefully I keep up with it, next month I'm set to start working more hours, I want to keep up with my writing, and we will see how things work out...there is no reason why this upcoming month can't be a good one.
I have HOPE

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