Monday, June 27, 2016

Nocturnal Panic Attack at 2:30am This Morning

I awoke to a nocturnal panic attack early this morning around 2:30 (ish) in the am. I have not had them since the c-part course where I had a few in a short term period during the course in the Fall semester of last year.

I think having one when you are sleeping soundly and waking up frantically shaking out of no where is worse than when you get them during the day. I think the fact that your out of it and suddenly your awaken to an attack is scary because when you get a panic attack during the day you might get a small hint that you might have one not this!

So I was sleeping and I woke to my body shaking and I got the chills. The shaking feels out of control in my case it's like when you shiver when your cold, but 10x and you can't stop it. I tried to cover myself (even though it will not help me) and I could not. I heard my husband snoring and he woke up to me hyperventilating. I was shivering, hyperventilating, and then he told me "get up and walk it off" he thought I was having a leg cramp. I was trying to tell him that I was having a panic attack, not a leg cramp. Although that's what I was trying to say and heard it in my mind the words did not flow out because I felt I could not speak. So I got up and I started crying now... ok you follow me? body still shaking, hyperventilating, crying, and I got up and I felt my body stiffen in some areas and feeling of cramping (which I am assuming from the involuntary shaking and contraction of muscles?). So he turns on our red lamp lights and tells me "oh honey" "what's going on" <---- I still could not tell him but he can hear me hyperventilate and cry so he told me to fix the door and fix the curtain and I walked to it and opened our door for the light to come in and fixed the curtain to allow air to come in into the room. I think doing that helped me a little bit the fact that I was touching objects ( I think that's what they call grounding) and I went back to bed and I covered myself; everything lessened and eventually the symptoms subsided; that was when I was able to tell him it was a panic attack and not a cramp. I felt shaky afterwards so he held my hand after I recovered enough; I got up to make some tea to relax myself, laid in bed and I turned on cellphone because I could not sleep. I went to Facebook and saw that one of my mom's family members in Honduras had died that morning... which is today (I think there it was already the afternoon) she was fighting cancer but today she died. Sad news. I wrote my sympathies and turned the cell off and eventually I fell asleep after drinking my tea.

In the morning when I got up I printed out a panic diary work sheet and filled it out first time filling them out, I think it's wise since I beginning to have them more often I think it might be useful if I go back to the Psychologist with my info. I printed out the panic attack diary worksheet I printed out to fill out from this website.

I also printed out this worksheet called Intrusion diary to help me figure out triggers of my intrusive memories ----->  I know yesterday I was watching some stuff on tv that included a lot of sex scenes, and all day I had some memories come to me on and off I am not sure if that has anything to do with my nocturnal panic attack. I also thought I was having a nightmare or I was dreaming but I can't be sure because after the attack I could not remember if I had a nightmare or not just had the feeling that I did but since I can't remember I can't be sure.

All seems good now... smoked a bowl today after not smoking for what seemed forever I did replenished my stash though just in case I need to smoke more during the week but I do not anticipate it. No intrusive thoughts just yesterday... so that's good.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Project Semicolon ; "Your Story Is Not Over "

Do you know what Project ; is? Sometime last year I found an article about it and also saw the tattoos people were getting of semicolons and wanted to find out more about it. People think that searching online can give you self-destructive ideas on how to harm yourself and that some groups encourage you too do so, but that's not always the case. I really like this organization because I relate to it and also it is an online community that offers support and it's people like you and me that can relate to your story.
Project semi colon is seen as a community, an outlet, an organization for those who have known and would like to show support to someone who past due to a suicide, or attempted might even be themselves, or have an addiction, eating disorder, self -harm, who have depression or any other mental illness. I have gone through and relate to all that I just mentioned. I too would like a ; tattoo, but I have not decided when I would get it or where on my body.  

Here is an article from the founder of project semicolon Project Semicolon Founder's Story . This organization also lets you share your story which I like to read. I think they are so courages to be telling the world their story... maybe one day I would be able to do the same. As of now I am interested in reading stories from those that have gone through struggles similar to mine; perhaps because we can connect personally because of our stories.

Even though I have not been able to share my "secrets" in this blog (except for little pieces here and there) I have gotten a lot of comfort knowing I can come online and just write what I am feeling, express it as I wish, and even though the blog is not a Psychologists replacement it does so much good for me to be able to release pent up emotions that I have had for years. Not sure how long I will write about my struggles. I always have written in diaries as a child and yes I remember writing some really personal things in them, I always was able to release some emotions through poetry rather than talking and I love blogging but eventually I always give up writing and delete my blog... but it looks like this one will stay up for a while.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Intrusive Memories-just thoughts

I am having a lot of repressed memories flow back to me.
I don't know how to cope.
I am scared of reliving it all if I Speak about it.
What should I do? 

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Eating Disorder ... problems Confession

*Past experience*

Confession: Secret
I should send this article Don't call kids FAT to my aunt that I do not speak too. The reason I do not pick up her calls, hate meeting up with her on family reunions such as weddings, is because how she would pick at me and tell me I was too big, fat, poke my tummy, or lift up my shirt to touch my fat she did this when I was a child and as an adult. It really hurt me especially because I did not have the best self-esteem and I could not believe one of the three aunts helping raise me was giving me the wrong message. She does not know I feel this way and she will never know- well I did tell her back in high school, but she denied it all. 

In high school, I had another aunt that died from cancer from my dad's side and she lived in Altadena, CA we would visit her often and she would visit us too, I loved her. She was in the heavy side and her tumor was in a part of her stomach that they could not get too and she had to do chemo treatments after a while she did not want to continue with the treatments because she was tired. She passed the day that we went to go visit her the last time. I saw the coroner take her body away and I wish I hadn't because that caused me to have flashbacks while I was in school that very view of them taking her body away; it was awful experiencing flashbacks. 

I was grieving and I was having a hard time with her death. I was having a difficult time with other things and that just ripped my heart. I lost my appetite which is normal I think, but when I got my appetite back I had decided to starve myself. I have not confessed it to anyone this is the first time I actually speak of it; well I am actually writing about it, but to me it is like I am speaking to someone. I starved myself for months... I only drank water (to keep myself from being too dehydrated and not think about food), had some hard candy (for sugar), and had some nibbles of food or celery. I would eat a stick of celery or when I ate I took my plate too my room and moved the food with a fork to make it seemed like I ate. I would use a napkin and put food there and dump it in the trash or say I was full. All the snacks my mom bought me for school I hid in a dresser in my room and eventually showed my sister my stash. I went the whole day eating very little... I went to school without breakfast and did not have any lunch, just one or two pieces of hard candy and water and whatever actual food I ate was the little nibbles I got in for dinner just to fool my parents.

My pants would soon drop, my shirts were too big, I could see my collar bone pop out (which I enjoyed seeing) and so did my hips. The sight of my collar bone popping out was like the best thing ever to me and to this day I sometimes wish I can see my collar bone pop out the way that it did when I starved myself. My head started looking bigger than my body, my hair fell out in bunches, and I was obsessed with weighing myself (which continues when I am on a diet), and what scared me the most is that my heart was always palpitating like crazy. At first I received a lot of attention for looking good, but then I began to look sick, when I started losing my tan color and started looking yellow that's when my parents and aunts were worried.

The same aunt that would poke my stomach started harassing me again, but this time to tell me I was losing too much weight, asking me if I ate anything, asking me if I was starving myself. One day I got angry and went ahead and told her "you know when I was fat you were harassing me, now I am skinny and you harass me too" and then she proceeded to tell me "I never said you were fat" that made me really angry because she knew she had and she lied. Even after I started eating again and gained everything back and then some she was back at it lifting my shirt again :( 

My mom yelled at me once... she told me that if I did not eat I was going to go to the hospital and they were going to put a tube in my mouth to force feed me. Why did she not ask me if I was eating? and talk to me instead of yell and threatened me? I think at that point I would have told her the truth, why did she not take me to the hospital if she was so concerned? If someone would have just sat with me and ask me what I was feeling and going through they might have gotten the answer and gotten me treatment. I don't know what I was doing I think I was punishing myself like I always do, or maybe I felt like it was something I can control since everything else seemed like it was out of my reach of control... starving myself I could.

I was transferred to the Christian school and the first day I walked to their lunch room i thought oh my god... I took a whiff of their lunch and I almost threw up I could not stay in the room and did a circle and walked back out of there and refuse to ever eat lunch while I was there the three months. I know the girls new I was starving myself and some boys. They would ask me stupid questions that were indirect but I knew what information they were trying to fish out of me I never gave them an answer that proved them right.

When I started eating again all my weight I lost came back and then some. I don't know how long after that (I think I was 22 by this time ) I became depressed would not leave the house because I was FAT. My mom would beg me to go out, with them and I would not go anywhere. All of a sudden I decided to workout... eventually I would workout almost 6+ hours a day because I had nothing else to do and I had the time. I would exercise morning, afternoon and the evening plus walking back and forth(30 minutes each way) to one class I attended at the community college. In addition to that I did an extreme diet. By no means was this normal... I know that. I made sure I was doing low carb, low fat (like did not eat greasy stuff etc), and low calorie diet and I also constantly weigh myself like I had mentioned above as well. Lost tons of weight and then I met my husband who also was on a diet and also lost a lot of weight it was perfect. Well now were both fat now... I hate saying this but I would not mind being addicted to working out and dieting in an unhealthy way- to me I rather have that as a "mental illness" than feel and be fat all my life; just saying.

Nanny Life #1

(one of my best part of my day- play dough time!)

Today I was invited for lunch from one of the families I date nanny at Shake Shack.  I thought it was regular lunch catch up which it was then a important question came up. I was asked if anything happened to them (the parents) who are an older couple if I would be willing to co-parent their child. Even though I did not show it I was floored... although they think of me as family I still was surprised that they would ask me. I said "I would be happy too! it's an honor." Their son is adopted, and recently they found out he has some special needs which is okay :) he is a very special little boy! so they want to make sure that if something happens to them that I would be able to step up along with her brother and co-parent?(not sure how that would work) to make sure that their son's needs are met whether he is a child or an adult. It makes me feel really special that they have asked me to be a co-parent if something were to happen to them. I always plan to stay in the lives of the children I nanny for regardless, but this was something else :)   

I was also put in my sister and brother in laws documents for savings etc to go towards me because if something happened to my sister and her husband that I would take responsibility of the boys if they are under age or still needed care. I had forgotten all about that actually I never think about others not being here... the boys mean everything to me... even though they live in Cali I see them often and I also skype and talk on the phone with them constantly. 

Just this past weekend I been in touch with a family I first nannied for when I first starting nannying in Las Vegas and one of their girls was still in diapers. They moved from Las Vegas to two other states, now they are back and they have asked for me to nanny their girls again. 

The little boy I just started nannying is such a ham :)  he 19 months I think and I am his third nanny. When I interviewed they said they will let go one of their nannies and they did. My trail two weeks went really well and they said that they are really happy with me :), they like how attentive I am, How I clean up before I leave, etc so now they are letting go of their other nanny for I can have the four days all to myself. Typically I think I would feel bad -since I feel guilty about everything about their other nannies needing a job, but I don't ... is that bad? When I interviewed I asked about his current or past nannies and they did not have much good things to say ... that kinda throws me off as a nanny I take pride working with children and to me their safety, happiness, health, and everything else is top priority. I always take care of them like they were my own- I don't have children but I am assuming I have that maternal side and maybe that's were it comes from or I like to think. Plus I am very confident hopefully not cocky lol about my childcare skills. It's the only thing I am good at that and also watching dogs... yes I am an animal nanny too :D

I had a "babysitter" she did not watch us much, but my sister and I hated going. We did nothing but sit in front of a television and watch Mexican soap Oprah. Sometimes we played with her sons toy cars and we would watch him destroy the wheels on them and she would tell our mother that we would destroy her sons cars... how would she know if she was watching tv all day? her house smelled like fried food; I still have that smell stuck in my head and every time I smell it I remember her house. Her husband would come from work and he wanted us gone... he would constantly check the window to see if our parents were coming it was super annoying because we would only be there when my mom needed to run errands. He reminded me of those men who are the type that come home and their women are all theirs and wants the attention for himself type of man do this and that-because your a woman the type. I felt intimidated by him even at that age...

It makes me feel good to feel needed, loved, and appreciated- when I am feeling down maybe I should start thinking about the children and my nephews I care about even if they are not mines. This is what I should have been thinking about in April when I felt like I had nothing to get out of bed for. 
I do have something to look forward too. 

Not sure though if it's good that it takes good stuff happening to me in order for me to feel worthy... you know? like why can't it come just from me? from within me? not sure if I am making sense in the moment -hard to explain. 

I been feeling really good so that a plus :) I think work just makes me happy the less I work the more chances I get depressed... so the more work the merrier. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Panic Attacks/Nocturnal Anxiety Attack

My first anxiety attack happened when I was 23 years old... I did not know back then that it was an anxiety attack. I had just been intimate with my boyfriend (now husband) and I was getting up to get dressed and it hit me out of the blue. I could not breathe, I was shaking, hyperventilating, I was sweating, and I thought I was having a heart attack. It felt like I was dying and it felt like an eternity; I felt weak but it was done just like that.

I have not had that many anxiety attacks since then. I normally just hyperventilate usually crying accompanies that, but it never goes past that. I have had maybe 2-3 more anxiety attacks since then(I could have had more and not even realized it if thats possible) plus some nocturnal anxiety attacks. I have had like three or four nocturnal anxiety attacks that have happened when I was sleeping( or so I think that's what it was did not go to the docs) and then I would wake up out of no where with a uncontrollable shaking and shivering body like I was cold, felt like I could not move or speak, very scary stuff. I had those when I was going to the c-part course and I was under severe stress. I say severe because it was one of my fuller semesters, I was failing math and did not drop it, I had to go to campus for the c-part course which I hated and as far as I am concern it one of the worst time of my life - along with the speech classes I had failed and retaken a few times. The c-part class brought me intrusive memories while I was attending it, and there was a chapter that we went through that affected me because I felt like a tons of bricks that fell on me because I related to everything in that chapter. I was also drinking too many pills before attending the class; I would drink Emodium (because I would get sick) and I would drink more than what the warning on the box said because I would lose count. I would have major anxiety driving to class and I also drove back once crying and as I mentioned before I drove straight through two red lights. At that time I was working too, and my husband was not working so I felt out of my mind. I was- I remember the day I drove through the red lights it was night time came home and I was still crying like out of control crying and I had told my husband he will have to take me somewhere. I had one more day of class and then once I went and the class was over (short term) I was feeling wayyyyyy better. 

I am not sure when I first noticed my social anxiety... because I have been quiet or shy like from far as I remember. Like in Kindergarten I did not talk... unless I was in the playground. I did not talk inside the classroom, I did not like doing anything social in the class, did not socialize and played with myself. When It was circle time etc I did not participate and I sat in the back underneath the table. But when I went outside I would play, laugh, talk like any other kid just inside I went completely mute. Literally mute. I also had a lot of tummy pain in elementary so I am wondering if that was anxiety.

In the last four years since I started college here in Las Vegas and taken it seriously I only have gone to two courses on campus. One a math that I ended up dropping, and the C-part course I have mentioned. The only thing I like about this community college I am attending is the fact that I can get online courses. When I was in California I went to my courses on campus and I think the fact that I had social anxiety made me not take school seriously. I did well if I decided to attend... I also did well in the hybrid courses which were the English ones. So the fact that I have been able to take them online has made it "too" easy for me and probably has made my Social Anxiety worse. I think it has made it worse because it encourages me not to be in class being social... and I also finished high school in Independent Studies. Doing independent studies was the only way I showed up to school (once a week), did all my required homework, and received my diploma... a year late but I still received it. I been looking at Universities in other states and some are still not that online friendly which makes me nervous because I have to go back to campus which I have not done in a while... and also I have severe stage fright... like for the speech type classes I had to take and retake it was so hard to get up there and do my speeches. I would hyperventilate, needed the teacher to remind me to breathe, my hands would sweat, and the longer I sat in the chair the more wiggly, anxious, and sweaty I was. When I was up there I would shake so much and I had to read of flash cards or a paper. It was awful surprised I did not faint. The teacher said to me you need to do something that you know a lot of information on... ok so I did a speech on Self- Injury ... Yeah maybe I should have asked if I could have done that type speech... so then she tells me you need to do a speech of something like a hobby that you like to do and are very passionate about... um no lady it does not matter what the topic is I am still going to hyperventilate! 

Insomniac Problems

It's 3:06 am!! I am still awake... I am suppose to wake up early to go walk tomorrow morning before the sun comes out... yet I am still wide awake. Good thing I do not work tomorrow, because there would be no way I will wake up before 5. This happens a lot I even went down to bed at 9 something to wind down and I could not so I had to get up and now I am in the computer blogging about it :D 

I did smoke a bowl finally and guess what I felt good too. I am not addicted to it because I think I would have gone through some type of withdrawal and there was like no "urgent need" to smoke it, but now that I did it felt really good. I did notice something I think when I smoke it in the day I am fine I have not noticed like a surge of energy or anything... well maybe but I have not observed it on my self... there is like a focus but not a surge. I did notice that when I smoke it late at night it keeps me awake with enough stamina to keep me up to the sun comes out the next day. I remember after when I first started smoking it to get out of my severe depression mode in April that my focus, attention span, and energy went up and that was the ONLY way I finished my capstone project which was months of "suppose"works within days. I did two over nighters by smoking it and was able to finish the project and received an A and this is after I told the professor that I might flunk the class and take it next semester because I was having trouble concentrating. I would need to do some more scientific research on myself to see if my hypothesis is right... lol

I remember when I was in high school and there was a time period where I would be awake almost all night ... I could not sleep so I would watch tv at night ...I would remember watching like N.A.S.H reruns after days of not sleeping I felt delirious laughing and laughing at things that were not so funny to me before ...  I felt it was the lack of sleep; or so I think it was.

I can't sleep!

one sheep, two sheep, three sheep

Monday, June 20, 2016

Hopeless... Fucking Memories

I have not smoked for like a week; so far I have resisted it's not really a problem since I feel I am not addicted. I been fine with like anxiety, my mood  I seem like my normal self but without the smile and positive life outlook that I used to have. The only thing that I have been worried about have been the memories that I have playing over and over like a broken record. What am I going to do?  what if I have like PTSD? I already feel I have depression, I have anxiety, I really do not want some other mental illness on my plate... not sure how I would handle that. The memories came back to me while taking a course at school the material and role playing/moves we did in class made a connection with some events that happened in my past and it has been tormenting me since taking the course. They come and go at times they are worse than other days. During my Capstone course in the Spring Semester it was the worse I think because of all the stuff I was stressed about made it worse... and I "neglected" to tell the Psychologist at school this. I drive sometimes and I am thinking about it, I finish being intimate and I think about it, I am doing school work I am thinking about, it does not matter where I am or what I am doing something is always triggering it. Someone can only take so much not sure how people deal with this for years. I am concern that they are not going to go anywhere; that scares me. 

So I think I might give in and smoke today maybe smoking will improve this issue by relaxing me a bit. The memories to me are upsetting and I tear up a lot on and off during the day, I shake, and I know I get stressed when I do think about it. I can't figure out what triggers it yet, so I might have to work on figuring that stuff out. Also I have not gone to the gym this past week and not walked as I should; I know when I keep myself busy mentally and physically I do have less mind clutter so that could be it too- I don't know.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Christina Aguilera "Change"

All the proceeds from this song purchased on itunes for the next three months will be donated to the victims of the Orlando Shooting. 

Psychologist High School

Just like I was pushed to see the Psychologist at my college, I was also pushed to see one in high school. First time they suggested I see my assistant principle's "friend"- turns out this friend was a Psychologist... I said NO the first time. Second time he suggested it I said ok - saying ok meant they would get off my back. 

Psychologist came once a week to school if I remember correctly. She asked the usual- questions like Have you thought of harming yourself or others? Would you come to me and tell me if your thinking of hurting yourself? I lied when I answered these two questions it's not the first time I lied about wanting to harm my self. I lied to the old lady that was in the detention room she had asked me if I cry sometimes, she asked me if I ever wanted to hurt myself I said no. I was always sent there when I was in one of my alternative class and she wondered why I was sent there so much because she did not think I was problematic. I actually acted up to be sent there, because it was quiet, she was sweet, and it was empty. She was one of the few that probably understood me without me saying a word. All you had to do was look in my eyes and you saw nothing... emptiness, sadness, and hurt.

I met with the Psychologists around 6 times before the school ended I think... she was trying to get to know me. She was able to see my folder of all my drawings I did, because she wanted to see them ( I am guessing to analyze them). I showed her only my nice drawings and poetry; not the dark stuff. I spoke to her about my aunt who had just died of Cancer. I did not tell her that I had two flashbacks relating to it while sitting in class. I did not tell her I was starving myself. I did not tell her I was currently being bullied, that I was currently staying in a classroom closet because my teacher from my alternative program put me in there, I did not tell her other things she should have been told... actually no one knew about any of these things because I always lied, or not said anything ...

I did not tell her my dad was a previous alcoholic either and now he was sick until I felt I had too. I came into the office a mess I sat on the chair and started to cry and hyperventilate. I could not talk so she had to figure out what was happening by asking me a series of yes and no questions and I had to nod the answer. 
Did someone hurt you?
Is someone hurt?
Is it one of your family members?
Is it your sister? is it your mom? is it your dad?
Is he in the hospital?
Eventually I told her he was in the ICU because of his liver. My sister and I did not know that he was dying. My mother kept that part from us, but told everyone else. The psychologist asked me to call her at her office during the weekend.... but I did not. One I hate talking on the phone second I cannot talk when I am upset, distressed, mad etc so it did not happen but she asked me about my dad at the following session and I was able to talk about it because he had gotten a liver transplant and survived. 

As an adult I regret not telling the truth to the Psychologist in high school, because that prevented me from getting the help I needed at such a crucial time see now I am paying the price because I feel so damn broken. Like seeing the Psychologist in college I was not open to the idea of being there and no improvements can come to a patient if they are not willing to be open to the treatment and therapy etc. As an adult I made the promise to myself not to lie to the Psychologist at school (-for the next time)...I did keep the conversations from stirring in certain directions or not telling him certain things but I did not lie.... well maybe in the intake form I can't remember ...but I might have but like I said I was not open to the idea of even being there. If I do go again it will be because I want to be there and I think that would make a difference whether I am open and truthful. I guess will find out next semester. I have not made the decision of going to a Psychologist outside of my college I think that would be more ideal in my situation, but I can't see myself doing that hopefully going to the one in  my college will prepare me for that. I actually have made in improvement because before that was completely out of the question to even see one in the first place and now its not. 

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Psychologists, My own world

 I haven't smoked in three days or so... I have not felt the "need" too, well now that I reminded myself I just might smoke a bowl for the hell of it, but I really do not need to do so. I also have not be needing to blog as much as I was.

My new nannying position went really well :) I am soooo happy with the family, and everything seemed to go smoothly. I be back next week for two more days and we see what happens. I am surprised how early I been able to get up considering that I was getting up closer to noon.


I feel good. I am still have intrusive memories and has made me tear up, but they are not as bad so far and it's bearable to live with at the moment. Not sure what will make them go away other than talking about it; even then I think I am stuck with them so what good would talking about it with some Psychologist do?  all they can tell me is what they are paid to say "it's not your fault" " I am sorry that happen to you" "You are in a safe place" yadah yadah funny how I am always hating on Psychologist when I wanted to be at one point :D that was my first major then I changed it to Sociology and when I started school here in Las Vegas I added the Mental Health to my major for what? perhaps as an attempt to fix myself? (considering that I was on a rage rampage because I had to move here). 

I have read a few articles on some Psychologist have chosen that profession to do just that; fix themselves. Not sure if I would like to sit with someone who also had issues and decided to study the mind to fix themselves. But if they make it to be a Dr. maybe they were successful at fixing themselves, perhaps sat in the chair with a Psychologist, were a patient and not just role played; and maybe they will understand their patients better because they to have stories too that may relate or make it easier to understand what their patients are going through. I know that Psychologist can and do see other Psychologist if they need to go I can totally understand that. Being the listener that I am I attract people(not an understatement) and they just talk to me I do not have to say anything sometimes, sometimes I just nod, or I can be minding my own business and here comes someone to just vent to me. I can't ever be that person that sends them away. I have been doing this since I been in Elementary School- at that time I was the peace keeper... always fixed friendships that went South. I always thought about others feelings... I didn't even like teachers praising me because I felt bad for those who were not. BTW The good thing is I can remain neutral meaning I do not pick sides... I can understand both sides of the story,  I don't normally show my emotions when someone is venting to me, I hate drama though and after a while I suck everyone emotions like I were a sponge and it affects me. I am assuming that can happen to professionals in these type of fields too even though they are trained for it, when they burn out or whatever they too can go seek help... and them seeing so many patients with an array of issues (like me) who can blame them. I just don't hate on Psychologist I dislike Primary, Gynecologist, Dentist, as well. I only go to the doctors if I am dying or someone makes me go that has been the case for all for FOUR that I just mentioned.

My own World
I been trying to detox from Facebook, Instagram, and Youtube but it has not happened like I hope. All these things can contribute to or add to an unhappy life style and make depression worse. There has been some articles on this that I have read and it's true in my case. I have been my own guinean pig in my own experimentation haha I can make my self a chart and chart all the evidence and how frequent I use each of these social outlets in a day, but it might be biased. When I am not working and since I am not in Summer session I have a lot of free time that I can use to do hobbies (that I do not have), or find something productive to do, but instead I use my time on the computer. I have always done something else to escape my own life/reality. In primary school I created my own world had a huge imagination... middle school I made up lies, lots of lies, High school I threw myself in drawing, writing poetry (even in my sleep), created my own world, still LIED created my self a bubble just like I had grown up in.

 At the beginning of college I was an emotional mess and years later I am still in college and still an emotional mess. High school was the worst time in my life. I was really on a mission of self destruction, had a death wish, and I am currently surprised that I am still alive and made it this far because I have not really taken care of myself to this day my health is not really my priority my well being is getting to be a priority but that's because I been force to by my own demise and deterioration.  I know the reason behind this problem, but only I know that and how has it worked for me not telling anyone- not so good. 

some links about social media and depression



Culture & Youth

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016


Yard Work
Did some more yard work today this time was just picking up all the leaves and branches I cut away with the saw yesterday, sweeping, cleaning and washing the concrete... who would have thought that so much work goes on in the desert haha. I sprayed water mixed with a cleaning agent and scrubbed the concrete and my dogs ink prints that I did the day I took him to be euthanized are still there! must be a sign. I miss him so much. 

The fact that I am able to be proactive must mean I am feeling better right? Just in April I could not get up from bed and now I am doing so much yard work. I still need to cut the other side, but no one sees that side so I will do it later... hopefully a day that it's not too hot.

Emotions + DRC and Future???
Emotionally I have been doing way better I feel good, I did have my intake appointment at the DRC today and saying I had a little anxiety is an understatement. I got sick at home before going so I had to drink pills, and I drank some peppermint tea for my tummy. I was going to smoke and that would have calm me down, but I did not want to smell like smoke... I am not sure if I smell like a smoker or not so I decided not too. I left early got there too early went to the restroom three times to pee yes three times! and then I went and sat there and waited...waited... and the longer I waited the more anxious I got! eugh- I was shaky and my hands were sweaty. When I was in there I had to wipe my hands on my jeans and wipe my hand print of sweat that I left on the table discreetly. I was a little quiet and she kept asking if I had any questions, comment, or concerns,.... the first time she asked what's wrong?  I wish people realize that sometimes you can't ask certain people that question...why? because it just sends an array of emotions to them and makes things worse... not sure if that makes sense or not but to me every time I am upset or something and someone asks me that they expect a damn answer and I can't give them one. I got a little teary eye and I controlled my self enough to stop any tears from flowing out, shook my head, said "nothing" and did half smile and half smirk. It actually went well compare to what I had hyped in my head before going. Even though she asked me if I think the accommodation will help and I hummed and shook my head to say yes I was really thinking the opposite - so it's a white lie. I am still thinking negatively about it. I think I will not pass my math class despite their accommodations and I guess I am still holding a grudge about them not accepting the dyscalculia disability. She asked me about my transfer plans and this and that, but I did not want to tell her I am not thinking about it anymore. Its really hard for me to see my self with my college diploma at this point. I haven't given up yet but I am struggling with that at the moment. It seems like they have more hope than I do about graduating and transferring. I didn't wear my band aids on my arms today for the appointment and she asked me if I was still seeing the Psychologist at CAPS I am hoping that was a random question or part of their questions they "normally" ask and she didn't ask because she noticed my scars. I do feel better now that I got this appointment out of the way.

Tomorrow I start a new nannying job I need to be there right at 7 am. I think I will be nervous in the morning but as soon as I get there I should be fine. I am always fine when I nanny or work in the preschool setting. Not sure why I am not fine at home or wherever I am but as soon as I start work it's like I can push those feelings or personal problems away at least into my shift is over. I think the fact that I work with children makes that difference... like imagine if I start shaking like I did today while sitting? that just does not work; well not for me and definitely does not benefit the kids. I don't know if knowing that I am good at what I do as a living has anything to do with it; Like I am not as confident with anything else, I don't really know how to do anything else... 

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Yard Work -Therapy

Been keeping myself busy with yard work, just in time since it's bug season and we need to make sure everything is trim and weed free. Did I mentioned how therapeutic cleaning the yard is using the saw, raking and pulling weeds is? ( just like shoveling snow in Reno) I been doing it for two days. First I did the front of the house and my husband helped me, but I made sure I used the saw :) haha I should be more careful with it though one day I might accidentally cut my hand off. Today I did the backyard all by myself I feel so proud. I feel great no anxiety, or meltdowns just a little bit of memories but not worried about that right now. Three days now. I still decided to smoke my blend, to me it's become my routine and I consider it my medicine; so far I still have no plans stopping.

Link ---> Yard Work Therapy

Monday, June 13, 2016

Just Stuff

I had a good day yesterday and even though the day is not over I seem to be having a good day today too! that would be two days without having some type of breakdown/meltdown Hopefully I just not jinx myself by getting ahead of myself. This week on Wed. I have the DRC intake appointment which has me a little worried. Thursday and Friday I go in to nanny the new little boy I will start twice a week for two weeks and then eventually It will be four days a week. I have no worries about that... well I think waking up early part I been trying to get down this week and the earliest I been able to get up is 7:30. I would need to be there at 7:00 am I might have to wake up around 5am? I would have to get my body and mind to go to sleep at least by 10:00 pm. 

The Music for the blog
The songs I choose to be played while viewing the blog are not the happiest or Zen like as they should be, but I choose them for a reason. Some I can relate too and others they make me zone out, think, and go into deep thought. In order for me to be raw as I can be while writing I like to have the blog open where I can play the music I have on the blog and I open another window just to write my posts. Even though the music might trigger me in some way or make me sad I still listen to it because it helps me write and be open about my thoughts.
Shopping Binges Under Control 
I have been able to control my shopping binges :) so that's a start right? I am starting to save some spending money for July. My sister, her husband and my nephews come down for the Fourth of July every year. They actually come here to Las Vegas often, I fly once a year for Christmas- New Years and spend the holidays with my family in California where they all live. My sister wanted to come like a month or two ago and I told her no. I did not want them to be with a depressed person. She has the get over it attitude and she would not understand. I been feeling better and I am happy they will come spend time here for the Fourth. 

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Racism- Growing up with Hatred Confession

Confession: We were all in the car in the parking lot when my father saw an interracial couple - (a African American man and a Caucasian Women) walking behind our car holding hands. My dad said something under his breath like "look at that pretty girl with that monkey" in Spanish(something we were used to hearing) The next thing we know the man knocked at my dad's window and asked him if he had a problem? my dad looked like he was going to shit on his pants, luckily nothing happened. 

There was that time he got jumped on his way to his daily trip to the liquor store. He got jumped by two African American men. My dad was walking our dog Honey so when that happened she ran away. My dad came home super angry and got his machete and cover it with a t-shirt (it still looked like a weapon) and took us with my mom to find our dog. I remember being scared because he was saying how he was going to use the machete if we saw the guys again. My mom later said what if the police would have stopped us what would had happened with you carrying around a machete?- *we found our dog a few days later*

How can I forget that time when I was a teenager and he told me "If you ever bring home a black boyfriend I will cut his head off" I knew he meant it, and I took it too heart. I had a classmate in this Christian School I attended (I only lasted 3 months then I was suspended) he was the only one who was nice and took his time to get to know me and not bully me, or not like me because I was not a bible thumper, etc he would sit with me and we had nice conversations. When he started asking me about boyfriends and such I stop talking to him even though I liked him, thought he was nice, and I hate saying this but he was not as dark, but I did not want to disobey my dad and have this kids neck cut because I believed that he would have done it at the time. There was another kid also African American that had asked me to be his girlfriend and I gave him another excuse and I did not want to tell him what my dad had said. 

I remember being in the second grade and making an observation while in class. In our class we had two black children one girl and one boy; the rest were hispanics and caucasians. One day my teacher who was caucasian brought her daughter to class- she was our age. My teachers daughter seem nice, seemed to be playing well with other children then I noticed this girl stayed far away from the black boy and ran away all around the classroom from the black girl. I think I was the only one that noticed this. I was very observant and I still am, but this is something I will always remember. Having experience working in the preschool setting we know the importance of having multicultural and learning experiences in the curriculum that teaches children tolerance and compassion for others despite their color of their skin or nationality. One of the activities we liked doing in class was bringing different color eggs and cracking them open and letting the children see that all yolks look the same in the inside despite being different colors and/or shapes.

I sat in the schools principles office in high school and the principle was half African American asked me straight out "Are you racists?" I said "If I was racist I would not be sitting here talking to you". Was I racist? I don't know... he must have had a complaint from my math teacher... from my alternative school because he was the one that gave me consequences for my behavior... I do not think I was being the way I was because of his color. Not to make excuses- BUT when I first came into the program I was there solely because I had a truancy problem ...I learned the behavior problems by being there everyday around others it was just the environment. I was also depressed, my aunt had just died from cancer and I was having flashbacks regarding her death and other problems I had. I gave him a hard time because he was the only one that pushed me, maybe because he was a man, maybe because he just happened to be the one that taught us math... that's it. If I saw him today I would be apologizing. Nothing to do with color. 

I remember I received a call from my cousin who was getting married with a African American man -she was concerned about our family being trouble... She had told me she was disappointed with one of my aunts reaction to her dating him in the first place. Her own mother who I love so much also acted this way. I was not surprised at all.... (everyone loves him now). We are from hispanic decent, but there also a mixture of blacks in our family as well. 

Unfortunately my father was not the only one that taught us how to be racist by the behavior they modeled. I catch myself sometimes saying or thinking something that I would consider racist, I have fought this way of thinking more than once ever since I was young and being a victim of heavy bullying I would never intentionally hurt someone... I wish people thought about how their own behavior affects children in the long run. My dad no longer speaks or behaves this way ( I am wondering if it was induced by his excessive alcohol intake) and if he does think something not so nice he keeps it to himself now which I am thankful for since he helps watch my nephews and the last thing we would need is them growing up exposed to that type of environment and have them struggle as adults like  I do. 

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Just Breathe

I am getting a little concerned that I have not been able to go more than two days where I feel good, without having a meltdown, or something...I don't know. I had a good morning woke up to thunder and rain even though it's been hot and warm. It was a great surprise and I love rain!

In the afternoon I ended up crying and hyperventilated .. it all started when I was grouchy with my husband and he got mad, he mocked me, so I got angry and flicked him off a few times... yea that happened. We were fine after; like it didn't happen... I did smoke a second time today right after I got myself together and made breakfast.

I have notice that I am feeling more and more numb and that comes and goes. I don't know if it's because I am about to get depressed again (or I am), part of my anxiety, because of the smoking or all three. Funny thing (maybe not so funny) is that when I was going really crazy because of the memories I was re-playing in my mind I wanted to feel numb, not feel anything and now that I feel numb it's affecting me too.  

After our little fit I went to the gym( I missed two days) and I felt so much better, I did feel a little dizzy and started shaking at the gym, so I left early when I arrived home I ate and drank some coffee and had sugar in the form of chocolate :D.
We went out to the grocery store and I wore my brave and fearless bracelet just because I thought I needed to wear it. Right now I am baking some wings with bbq for dinner tonight.

I think I need to remember to stop, think and take a breather more often. I think I need to get back to meditating. I downloaded an app that I like too, but I have not used since April. The app is called Breathe it's a free app and you can add meditations for a small fee.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Friday, June 10, 2016


Having a good day so far compared to yesterday... got up early made coffee, smoked a bowl, breakfast, listened to this girl sing she is amazing! made me smile :D

Finally called the DRC office back; I had to control my breathing before calling because I was anxious. She gave me an appointment for Wed. and they only had morning appointment and she reluctantly gave me an intake appointment at 3pm what do they do with those students who cannot come in into the late afternoon? this school is annoying. After I called my anxiety seemed to have disappeared so that's good. Went to Target to buy stuff we needed and I am about to have a second cup of coffee and late tonight I do a date night nannying with little Z. This upcoming week I start to work at my new nannying position so that's exciting. As long as I have more things to preoccupy me the better I will feel. I know so.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Sad :(

Woke up in the wrong side of the bed today. At the moment I feel grouchy and sad, I do not feel like doing a thing... have not done much and it's already past noon. Woke up this morning feeling this way and I received a call from the DRC (disability office) from school and this is me *eye roll* then I pressed ignore. I received a call from my mom ...I also ignored.

My husband asked if I wanted to go to drop off mail with him and I agreed. I told him I felt depressed again... He asked why? I did not know why at the moment. We went to go pick up some healthier fast food and in order to get there he took a short cut. Well then I realized why I was so depressed today... his short cut was going through the park where we took Charlie Bean during his final month... I said something like you got f****** great timing you know that!  then I stopped talking and tears rolled down my face and under my black shades. He eventually got why I was crying; while waiting in line I told him that yesterday I was looking at Charlie's black ink prints he left the day we took him to be euthanized outside on the concrete. I have not been able to wash those off, pick up his last toys, or even pick up his crap he left behind. I been thinking of him, the other day I try writing something about his prints left behind but I thought it was too cheesy.

I was going to go to the gym today I should have gone, but I decided not too... , have not called the DRC back; not yet just don't feel like dealing with that today

not sure how I will keep dealing with feeling so down. I understand why people self-medicate... I might have to smoke all day today just to be able to cope with this day and make it to tomorrow without being in bed or crying all day. This is when I wish I had something illegal to smoke instead. I hate feeling this way; it's painful.

Hopefully my day gets better.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.


Zen my mental health is on Instagram. 

Woke up in a not so happy mood today; but was able to start an Instagram for this page.

Zen My Mental Health Insta

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Coloring Time/ DRC update*

Coloring my stress away I am enjoying this... does this qualify as a new hobby?

So far I skipped the gym today, but I will go walking tonight so it is all good. Seems like a good day so far I haven't done much other than go to Trader Joe's where I saw my boss and I panicked a little, but I think the fact that I spotted him first makes a difference than if they were to spot me first :D haha does that make sense? Then I waved and flashed my cheesy smile and he said hi and I asked if his wife was there which she was not then I ran to get a bag of chips and ran back to the check out line where I left my husband and our grocery cart.

DRC  *update*

I scanned and email the diagnosis report that the Psychologist at school gave me to the Disability Center at school and they said it's "under review" I am hoping this time they accept it and not give me more of a hard time this time around. Not sure if I can take it if they reject it and not accommodate me... then again not sure it matters if they do or not... if they reject it I hope they do not make me waste my time because I am not interested in sitting down with them again if that is the case. If they do accommodate me it's not the sort of accommodations I was seeking I wanted something more tailored for a math disability either way they are setting me up for failure- just my opinion which seems not to matter. I know sounds negative, but I know what I am capable of regarding math they do not. They have no idea what I have gone through and disregarded all my information that was in my initial report. -I honestly feel like I will not be graduating because I can't complete my two math courses. 

We will see when they call me with more information. - blah it's making me sick thinking about it.

Back to my coloring :)

Last Shopping Binge 3

I got my last shipment of goodies that I have purchased impulsively when I was depressed. I do feel bad, but I am not sure if I truly do or because I have been caught. 

I love my bracelets :)

Because I need the lift...

                                            Because I love being a nanny...

Because I need it for for the sea decor in the bathroom downstairs.

I am finished with the shopping binges... I have to seriously find some hobbies!

Kids credit cards are NOT free money.

I do not know why people result in shopping when they are upset. It's not the first time I do it; I have a habit of doing that. I do think there are worse things I can be doing so maybe I give an excuse for doing it. 
I don't know.
Selfish actually.

Stanford Victim


Here is a post from John Pavlovitz blog Stuff That Needs To Be Said To Brook Turner's Father, From Another Father

He has the perfect words that needed to be spoken

Monday, June 6, 2016

Introvert Problems Memes

I relate :)

All the Time!

Very True ;)


Yes !!

This is the exact reason I write!

                                                                           so me!