Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Hello June

It's June! I have high hopes for the month of June. April and May felt like I was in a dark hole and I am glad that it's behind me now. I acknowledge that without therapy, getting a handle on some issues from the past or not resolving anything, hiding behind my smile or "I'm Fine", and trying to ignore it will make that feeling of darkness come back more repeatedly. I am aware. I know in order to one day help others, for me to be mentally healthy and this point physically I would need to take care of me first.

I started going back to the gym again; I had stop going because the men there intimidated me. I did not remind my husband that the gym was still charging me even though I was not attending. This went on for months and I finally said ok exercising helps me feel better and since I been feeling down now it's the time to go back. Walking has not been enough exercising for me to make much a difference physically or mentally; I am sure I would be worse off but there has not been significant change like I would like. I am hoping now that I am going back to the gym that it does make a difference. I think it has already! I have gone twice this week and I feel good. I need to be consistent with it and I will do fine. 

I start a new nanny position sometime this month. Seems like it will be a nice arrangement. When I do not have a job or have very few hours like I do now it seems impossible for me not get depressed. I am the type of person that needs to be doing something... needs to be busy for the sake of sanity... I just can't sit ---> parent's like that when their nanny is not lazy. I'm super excited about it too! the little boy and his family seem very sweet. Once I start there I will have one child to take care of and three total (the other two I nanny)... oh and when she gives birth to her other child she might want me to take care of him too (were still discussing that option).
So I think I would be busy enough... lets see my new nanny job will be around 7-1pm M-Th (perhaps), Pick up T on Mondays from after school care, and little Z for date nights and such 1-2x a month, also I might do date night nannying for a family that I used to nanny for (2 girls) that moved because of the air force are moving back and they said it would be nice if I nannied for them again... we will see. In the fall I will start the semester again; I will be busy with my courses plus working out and wife duties I think I am all set. I rather be stress from being too busy than being depressed for not being busy. I like being a nanny working with kids and at times with animals (I'm a animal nanny too :) ) has been all I have known to do. I like that I can push aside whatever issues I am having and be able to focus on what I love to do. I love that the parents admire me, they recognize my hard work, love the rewards from taking care of little ones they make my heart melt <3. 

I will send in the paperwork the school's Psychologist gave me for my Social Anxiety to the DRC  in a few days and see what they can do for me for the Fall semester. I am trying to be optimistic about the whole DRC ordeal, my future passing the math courses, and graduating but it is easier said than done. We will see.

I am starting to notice a change here... the posts are not that dark as they were at the starting of May.

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