Monday, June 20, 2016

Hopeless... Fucking Memories



I have not smoked for like a week; so far I have resisted it's not really a problem since I feel I am not addicted. I been fine with like anxiety, my mood  I seem like my normal self but without the smile and positive life outlook that I used to have. The only thing that I have been worried about have been the memories that I have playing over and over like a broken record. What am I going to do?  what if I have like PTSD? I already feel I have depression, I have anxiety, I really do not want some other mental illness on my plate... not sure how I would handle that. The memories came back to me while taking a course at school the material and role playing/moves we did in class made a connection with some events that happened in my past and it has been tormenting me since taking the course. They come and go at times they are worse than other days. During my Capstone course in the Spring Semester it was the worse I think because of all the stuff I was stressed about made it worse... and I "neglected" to tell the Psychologist at school this. I drive sometimes and I am thinking about it, I finish being intimate and I think about it, I am doing school work I am thinking about, it does not matter where I am or what I am doing something is always triggering it. Someone can only take so much not sure how people deal with this for years. I am concern that they are not going to go anywhere; that scares me. 

So I think I might give in and smoke today maybe smoking will improve this issue by relaxing me a bit. The memories to me are upsetting and I tear up a lot on and off during the day, I shake, and I know I get stressed when I do think about it. I can't figure out what triggers it yet, so I might have to work on figuring that stuff out. Also I have not gone to the gym this past week and not walked as I should; I know when I keep myself busy mentally and physically I do have less mind clutter so that could be it too- I don't know.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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