Sunday, June 5, 2016

Numb and Shit

June 4 Evening

I feel numb I am not sad, upset, happy, satisfied I don't feel anything...I am completely numb. is something wrong with me? why do I not feel anything at the moment. I'm here present... I think I have a pulse. Either I have no feelings or I cannot describe what I feel. I been pinching myself and digging my nails into my arm today does that have anything to do with not feeling anything and wanting to feel?  My scars on my wrist are lessening some more, but they are still pretty much present.   

June 5 

So far I am having a good day. Took me a while to get up this morning perhaps because it takes me so long to fall asleep. I got up took a shower, got ready and met my ex-co-worker/boss and her daughter I nanny at Sweet Tomatoes (yes I like Sweet Tomatoes) we had a good time. Somewhere in our conversation we ended up talking about our issues (-My mistake)... she said "I know you know that you were isolating your self", "if you don't talk about it things will get worse and I know you know that" ... yes I know... "See and I had asked you if you were fine and you kept telling me you were"
... and yes this is the second time I feel scolded by two different people... maybe not scolded but reminded that next time I feel the way I felt that I need to talk about it and not keep quiet. -She meant well at least she cares.

My husband say's I'm too smart for my own good... I know why I do what I do or done, I know what I should not be doing and maybe how to remedy a problem or what makes the situation worse yet I still do it... or I sabotage myself, or I don't do what is best for me. -life

If they only knew the things I kept quiet about. Do they not realize how hard it is to open up to others, to trust, to be vulnerable- to be in a position where someone can hurt you. I doubt it. 

My husband printed out all the charges from my credit card :/ , 1. I don't get involved with the budget because math just overwhelms me and I have cried over it when we were budgeting, 2. I know that we are spending more than were making in general. 3. I been shopping online when I am depressed.... because it makes me happy.
So when he told me he printed it out I immediately knew I was guilty and he knew I was by my reaction, then he told me he was going to go ahead and print out the information for the rest of the credit cards... I have two things coming in the mail and I better make sure I run to the mail box first!

Just came back from the gym! and I feel tired, but great! now I need to smoke a bowl and I think I will be all set.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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