Saturday, June 18, 2016

Psychologist High School

Just like I was pushed to see the Psychologist at my college, I was also pushed to see one in high school. First time they suggested I see my assistant principle's "friend"- turns out this friend was a Psychologist... I said NO the first time. Second time he suggested it I said ok - saying ok meant they would get off my back. 

Psychologist came once a week to school if I remember correctly. She asked the usual- questions like Have you thought of harming yourself or others? Would you come to me and tell me if your thinking of hurting yourself? I lied when I answered these two questions it's not the first time I lied about wanting to harm my self. I lied to the old lady that was in the detention room she had asked me if I cry sometimes, she asked me if I ever wanted to hurt myself I said no. I was always sent there when I was in one of my alternative class and she wondered why I was sent there so much because she did not think I was problematic. I actually acted up to be sent there, because it was quiet, she was sweet, and it was empty. She was one of the few that probably understood me without me saying a word. All you had to do was look in my eyes and you saw nothing... emptiness, sadness, and hurt.

I met with the Psychologists around 6 times before the school ended I think... she was trying to get to know me. She was able to see my folder of all my drawings I did, because she wanted to see them ( I am guessing to analyze them). I showed her only my nice drawings and poetry; not the dark stuff. I spoke to her about my aunt who had just died of Cancer. I did not tell her that I had two flashbacks relating to it while sitting in class. I did not tell her I was starving myself. I did not tell her I was currently being bullied, that I was currently staying in a classroom closet because my teacher from my alternative program put me in there, I did not tell her other things she should have been told... actually no one knew about any of these things because I always lied, or not said anything ...

I did not tell her my dad was a previous alcoholic either and now he was sick until I felt I had too. I came into the office a mess I sat on the chair and started to cry and hyperventilate. I could not talk so she had to figure out what was happening by asking me a series of yes and no questions and I had to nod the answer. 
Did someone hurt you?
Is someone hurt?
Is it one of your family members?
Is it your sister? is it your mom? is it your dad?
Is he in the hospital?
Eventually I told her he was in the ICU because of his liver. My sister and I did not know that he was dying. My mother kept that part from us, but told everyone else. The psychologist asked me to call her at her office during the weekend.... but I did not. One I hate talking on the phone second I cannot talk when I am upset, distressed, mad etc so it did not happen but she asked me about my dad at the following session and I was able to talk about it because he had gotten a liver transplant and survived. 

As an adult I regret not telling the truth to the Psychologist in high school, because that prevented me from getting the help I needed at such a crucial time see now I am paying the price because I feel so damn broken. Like seeing the Psychologist in college I was not open to the idea of being there and no improvements can come to a patient if they are not willing to be open to the treatment and therapy etc. As an adult I made the promise to myself not to lie to the Psychologist at school (-for the next time)...I did keep the conversations from stirring in certain directions or not telling him certain things but I did not lie.... well maybe in the intake form I can't remember ...but I might have but like I said I was not open to the idea of even being there. If I do go again it will be because I want to be there and I think that would make a difference whether I am open and truthful. I guess will find out next semester. I have not made the decision of going to a Psychologist outside of my college I think that would be more ideal in my situation, but I can't see myself doing that hopefully going to the one in  my college will prepare me for that. I actually have made in improvement because before that was completely out of the question to even see one in the first place and now its not. 

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

No comments :

Post a Comment