Wednesday, June 15, 2016


Yard Work
Did some more yard work today this time was just picking up all the leaves and branches I cut away with the saw yesterday, sweeping, cleaning and washing the concrete... who would have thought that so much work goes on in the desert haha. I sprayed water mixed with a cleaning agent and scrubbed the concrete and my dogs ink prints that I did the day I took him to be euthanized are still there! must be a sign. I miss him so much. 

The fact that I am able to be proactive must mean I am feeling better right? Just in April I could not get up from bed and now I am doing so much yard work. I still need to cut the other side, but no one sees that side so I will do it later... hopefully a day that it's not too hot.

Emotions + DRC and Future???
Emotionally I have been doing way better I feel good, I did have my intake appointment at the DRC today and saying I had a little anxiety is an understatement. I got sick at home before going so I had to drink pills, and I drank some peppermint tea for my tummy. I was going to smoke and that would have calm me down, but I did not want to smell like smoke... I am not sure if I smell like a smoker or not so I decided not too. I left early got there too early went to the restroom three times to pee yes three times! and then I went and sat there and waited...waited... and the longer I waited the more anxious I got! eugh- I was shaky and my hands were sweaty. When I was in there I had to wipe my hands on my jeans and wipe my hand print of sweat that I left on the table discreetly. I was a little quiet and she kept asking if I had any questions, comment, or concerns,.... the first time she asked what's wrong?  I wish people realize that sometimes you can't ask certain people that question...why? because it just sends an array of emotions to them and makes things worse... not sure if that makes sense or not but to me every time I am upset or something and someone asks me that they expect a damn answer and I can't give them one. I got a little teary eye and I controlled my self enough to stop any tears from flowing out, shook my head, said "nothing" and did half smile and half smirk. It actually went well compare to what I had hyped in my head before going. Even though she asked me if I think the accommodation will help and I hummed and shook my head to say yes I was really thinking the opposite - so it's a white lie. I am still thinking negatively about it. I think I will not pass my math class despite their accommodations and I guess I am still holding a grudge about them not accepting the dyscalculia disability. She asked me about my transfer plans and this and that, but I did not want to tell her I am not thinking about it anymore. Its really hard for me to see my self with my college diploma at this point. I haven't given up yet but I am struggling with that at the moment. It seems like they have more hope than I do about graduating and transferring. I didn't wear my band aids on my arms today for the appointment and she asked me if I was still seeing the Psychologist at CAPS I am hoping that was a random question or part of their questions they "normally" ask and she didn't ask because she noticed my scars. I do feel better now that I got this appointment out of the way.

Tomorrow I start a new nannying job I need to be there right at 7 am. I think I will be nervous in the morning but as soon as I get there I should be fine. I am always fine when I nanny or work in the preschool setting. Not sure why I am not fine at home or wherever I am but as soon as I start work it's like I can push those feelings or personal problems away at least into my shift is over. I think the fact that I work with children makes that difference... like imagine if I start shaking like I did today while sitting? that just does not work; well not for me and definitely does not benefit the kids. I don't know if knowing that I am good at what I do as a living has anything to do with it; Like I am not as confident with anything else, I don't really know how to do anything else... 

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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