Thursday, June 9, 2016

Sad :(

Woke up in the wrong side of the bed today. At the moment I feel grouchy and sad, I do not feel like doing a thing... have not done much and it's already past noon. Woke up this morning feeling this way and I received a call from the DRC (disability office) from school and this is me *eye roll* then I pressed ignore. I received a call from my mom ...I also ignored.

My husband asked if I wanted to go to drop off mail with him and I agreed. I told him I felt depressed again... He asked why? I did not know why at the moment. We went to go pick up some healthier fast food and in order to get there he took a short cut. Well then I realized why I was so depressed today... his short cut was going through the park where we took Charlie Bean during his final month... I said something like you got f****** great timing you know that!  then I stopped talking and tears rolled down my face and under my black shades. He eventually got why I was crying; while waiting in line I told him that yesterday I was looking at Charlie's black ink prints he left the day we took him to be euthanized outside on the concrete. I have not been able to wash those off, pick up his last toys, or even pick up his crap he left behind. I been thinking of him, the other day I try writing something about his prints left behind but I thought it was too cheesy.

I was going to go to the gym today I should have gone, but I decided not too... , have not called the DRC back; not yet just don't feel like dealing with that today

not sure how I will keep dealing with feeling so down. I understand why people self-medicate... I might have to smoke all day today just to be able to cope with this day and make it to tomorrow without being in bed or crying all day. This is when I wish I had something illegal to smoke instead. I hate feeling this way; it's painful.

Hopefully my day gets better.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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