Friday, June 24, 2016

Eating Disorder ... problems Confession

*Past experience*

Confession: Secret
I should send this article Don't call kids FAT to my aunt that I do not speak too. The reason I do not pick up her calls, hate meeting up with her on family reunions such as weddings, is because how she would pick at me and tell me I was too big, fat, poke my tummy, or lift up my shirt to touch my fat she did this when I was a child and as an adult. It really hurt me especially because I did not have the best self-esteem and I could not believe one of the three aunts helping raise me was giving me the wrong message. She does not know I feel this way and she will never know- well I did tell her back in high school, but she denied it all. 

In high school, I had another aunt that died from cancer from my dad's side and she lived in Altadena, CA we would visit her often and she would visit us too, I loved her. She was in the heavy side and her tumor was in a part of her stomach that they could not get too and she had to do chemo treatments after a while she did not want to continue with the treatments because she was tired. She passed the day that we went to go visit her the last time. I saw the coroner take her body away and I wish I hadn't because that caused me to have flashbacks while I was in school that very view of them taking her body away; it was awful experiencing flashbacks. 

I was grieving and I was having a hard time with her death. I was having a difficult time with other things and that just ripped my heart. I lost my appetite which is normal I think, but when I got my appetite back I had decided to starve myself. I have not confessed it to anyone this is the first time I actually speak of it; well I am actually writing about it, but to me it is like I am speaking to someone. I starved myself for months... I only drank water (to keep myself from being too dehydrated and not think about food), had some hard candy (for sugar), and had some nibbles of food or celery. I would eat a stick of celery or when I ate I took my plate too my room and moved the food with a fork to make it seemed like I ate. I would use a napkin and put food there and dump it in the trash or say I was full. All the snacks my mom bought me for school I hid in a dresser in my room and eventually showed my sister my stash. I went the whole day eating very little... I went to school without breakfast and did not have any lunch, just one or two pieces of hard candy and water and whatever actual food I ate was the little nibbles I got in for dinner just to fool my parents.

My pants would soon drop, my shirts were too big, I could see my collar bone pop out (which I enjoyed seeing) and so did my hips. The sight of my collar bone popping out was like the best thing ever to me and to this day I sometimes wish I can see my collar bone pop out the way that it did when I starved myself. My head started looking bigger than my body, my hair fell out in bunches, and I was obsessed with weighing myself (which continues when I am on a diet), and what scared me the most is that my heart was always palpitating like crazy. At first I received a lot of attention for looking good, but then I began to look sick, when I started losing my tan color and started looking yellow that's when my parents and aunts were worried.

The same aunt that would poke my stomach started harassing me again, but this time to tell me I was losing too much weight, asking me if I ate anything, asking me if I was starving myself. One day I got angry and went ahead and told her "you know when I was fat you were harassing me, now I am skinny and you harass me too" and then she proceeded to tell me "I never said you were fat" that made me really angry because she knew she had and she lied. Even after I started eating again and gained everything back and then some she was back at it lifting my shirt again :( 

My mom yelled at me once... she told me that if I did not eat I was going to go to the hospital and they were going to put a tube in my mouth to force feed me. Why did she not ask me if I was eating? and talk to me instead of yell and threatened me? I think at that point I would have told her the truth, why did she not take me to the hospital if she was so concerned? If someone would have just sat with me and ask me what I was feeling and going through they might have gotten the answer and gotten me treatment. I don't know what I was doing I think I was punishing myself like I always do, or maybe I felt like it was something I can control since everything else seemed like it was out of my reach of control... starving myself I could.

I was transferred to the Christian school and the first day I walked to their lunch room i thought oh my god... I took a whiff of their lunch and I almost threw up I could not stay in the room and did a circle and walked back out of there and refuse to ever eat lunch while I was there the three months. I know the girls new I was starving myself and some boys. They would ask me stupid questions that were indirect but I knew what information they were trying to fish out of me I never gave them an answer that proved them right.

When I started eating again all my weight I lost came back and then some. I don't know how long after that (I think I was 22 by this time ) I became depressed would not leave the house because I was FAT. My mom would beg me to go out, with them and I would not go anywhere. All of a sudden I decided to workout... eventually I would workout almost 6+ hours a day because I had nothing else to do and I had the time. I would exercise morning, afternoon and the evening plus walking back and forth(30 minutes each way) to one class I attended at the community college. In addition to that I did an extreme diet. By no means was this normal... I know that. I made sure I was doing low carb, low fat (like did not eat greasy stuff etc), and low calorie diet and I also constantly weigh myself like I had mentioned above as well. Lost tons of weight and then I met my husband who also was on a diet and also lost a lot of weight it was perfect. Well now were both fat now... I hate saying this but I would not mind being addicted to working out and dieting in an unhealthy way- to me I rather have that as a "mental illness" than feel and be fat all my life; just saying.

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