Sunday, July 31, 2016

Sunday at Mt. Charleston


One of the few places I like here in Las Vegas is Mt. Charleston because it reminds me of my previous home of Reno,Tahoe and Truckee. I miss living in Reno because of the trees, hikes, snow etc and going up here to Mt. Charleston makes me forget that I live in Las Vegas-which I hate. Today my husband and I drove up there which is like 30 minutes away from our home and it was very relaxing to be with nature. I miss hiking and we should try to do it more often ... it was like 20 degrees less up there than down here can you believe that? Here are some video's and pictures of today's adventure. 

It's super windy; I suggest you mute first video





There are picnic tables here so it's perfect to bring my parents when they come down to Las Vegas.






                                         Construction area? since when does that stop us? oops




Pictures and video taken with iphone5


Saturday, July 30, 2016

Some Qoutes


 I know which chapterS...
I would love this as a tattoo, but the only place I think this would look great would be my arm (wrist area) and due to possible jobs in the future I am hegistant to do a tattoo on my arm...
Since my first tattoo (my dog's print in water color Style) was impulsive, but I do not regret it because it means so much to me... I am trying not to go back with all the ideas of tattoos I have until I have some time to think about them... considering I don't like tattoos in the first place.



 Yes people never know what others are going through- you just don't





Busy Bee, College and Pet Updates

Busy Bees

It's been a very long, busy, and productive week! Work has been going well with watching "K". This week my husband helped me pet/house sit -3 dogs, and 3 cats to be exact ... since I work early in the morning he did morning shift, and I did afternoon and we both did evening shift because we were also painting "Z" bedroom. That is the last time we ever commit to painting a child's room! three colors to be exact. Upper color was grey, trim was red, and the bottom was blue...some sports team color that she had picked; it turned out nice but too much work, pressure to get things done correctly, and responsibility... I rather take care of kids than paint :D

Don't look at how we painted the ceiling...
I been extremely tired the end of the day, but this week has been awesome with staying super busy. Even though I still have that chatter with memories in my mind it was less this week and my depression has improved. I been depressed for like three weeks maybe more maybe less I don't know anymore seems like I been depressed all the time on and off for the past year. I felt better this couple of days and I am thankful for that, but I wonder how long that will last till the next bout. It is what it is I guess.

We have not been walking since we have been very busy this week... although I have not needed it for my mental health sake I do miss walking. Hopefully we continue it tomorrow since we are finished painting and animal sitting.

Pet Update

One of my Fire Belly Toads died this week ... last week one of my fishes died... what the hell? I am down to two frogs and two fish... I still have my snail even though it has almost died a few times because he has gotten out of the tank a few times and he was lucky I have found him. Cesar cat still alive , but shes getting older and older. I keep asking asking for another guinean pig mines - Daisy Mae died last year and since I lost my dog this May I feel like I need something cuddly to hold, but my husband says no... if I was like I was before I would not care and just buy one anyways; haha but I think I finally grew out of that stage... somewhat 

College, DRC and CAPS

Fall semester will be starting soon... I am debating if I should keep the Autism class for mental health or not. It's not required for me to take it, but I am taking it just in case I need to see the Psychologist this upcoming semester. I am afraid since I am trying to pass math that it will be a mistake to have that class if not needed. The DRC (Disability Resource Center) told me they can make an exemption at the CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) if I have seen them before and I am registered with the disability center. I understand that, but "what if" I get rejected for not having those six credits required to receive services at the CAPS office? I also would like to fix my GPA since I fucked it up, but what good would that do if I flunk my math course again? If I know I am going to fail I hoping to bail this time to avoid an F in math and hopefully still have a class left and not ruin the whole semester. I am over this.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Depression update


last night I cried my self to sleep... I do not know why I did I just did. My husband asked me if I was okay because I was exhaling into my pillow; I was trying to go undetected, but I failed at it. I did not even answer him, but he hugged me and I fell asleep.


On Saturday I woke up at 3am I thought I was having a panic attack but that was not it. I just had pain on my upper back out of no where, I was having muscle spams, and when I would breathe it made it worse. I had to get up and just dealing with it made me so anxious and I felt panicked because I did not know what the hell was wrong with me. My husband suggested I needed to go drink Chamomile tea to calm down and I did plus I added peppermint and I laid on the floor in the living room with an ice pack on my back and relaxed. I soon went back up and went back to sleep. I wanted to go hiking, but since I woke up so early with back pain we thought we should not... and good thing because it was smoky from the fires in California. I needed the hiking though I suggested it because it was an activity that we both enjoyed when we lived in Reno, and in California and we don't do it anymore here in Las Vegas and I thought it would help me with my depression... maybe next weekend.

Today is Monday for now I am off on Mondays, but I am house sitting and taking care of dogs and cats in Z's home this week while they go to California for his birthday. We also got talked into painting Z's room while they were away... so I guess I be helping my husband paint. This week we also have to go do a house check at the "girls" house to make sure every thing is A-OKAY while they are away. So hopefully my reg nanny job with K, and animal house sitting this week will keep me occupied enough to help my depression not get worse. I am doing better, but as you can see it's still present.

I have not smoked which I think I should have. I might do a bowl today just to relax or not since I will be busy I doubt I would need it. 

I dyed my hair yesterday - it's red I was trying to do hombre style again and this time it did not come out as good as last time... I also made my husband cut it- it's just hair right? well he cut it too short and did not listen to my hair cutting instructions haha but whatever half the time I want to buzz it all off so it's ok it will eventually grow back.


If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Empty, Numb, or Sad Depression Part 3




It's been a week maybe more were I have felt depressed everyday; some days more than others. I am really over this shit I do not want to live the rest of my life feeling this way... to me it's not worth it. I am not talking about anyone else's struggles or what not just my personal opinion about mines. I have been feeling better since Tuesday because I no longer off  from work (was for ten days) which helps! Being at work(with kids) and being busy is the only reason I am doing okay,  only reason I still function, only reason I have to smile the kids I nanny and having my nephews in my life are my reasons; at this moment those are the reasons I get up in the morning, it's the only reasons I still exist.

One of the reasons I am still in college is because I only once have gotten a semester close to full time, because when I am not working I fall into a deep depression regardless if I have a full semester at school. The more I feel this way the more I think I have clinical depression (major depression) just because of the severity and length and it has me concerned. I felt I been depressed on and off since 15, been thinking about suicide related stuff since then (confession). When I lived in Reno before coming here to this stupid city of Las Vegas I felt truly the happiest I have ever, I think there I had less depression, I had close ties with my co-workers, I started being more social, I loved the outdoors, I loved the city, I loved everything... then I moved here and I like to say my husband brought me kicking and screaming (because he literally did). I been here 4 1/2 years and my depression has been more frequent and in the last year it has worsen and maybe has gotten dangerous. I was reading this article of subtle and often ignored signs of depression and I have every single one! and it's always is like that for me here is the article 8 subtle and ignored signs of depression
here is another similar article psychologytoday
I also relate to this article that I found on The Mighty What the Girl Hiding her Major Depression Disorder Needs you to Know  People always think I am fine because I used to be the co-worker or person with the cheesy smile, who was positive, who was there for others to vent and talk too, who seems like nothing bothers her, but little do they know that was just a mask. I have always hidden my experiences, my trauma, everything and my pain. I been a little more vocal of what has gone on and people seem surprised that I am having any kind of trouble- or they act concerned all of a sudden- it's harder for me to keep it up now since I have hit rock bottom- I don't smile much, I don't feel much anymore or I feel too much before my smile was plastered on my face and now it's not. It's easier for people to see it now; but it's a little to late.


On that thought last night my husband and I were laying in bed, we went from talking about sex (which I got denied; he said he felt sick...), to giggling, to a conversation of how I am scared about my mental health, our decline of our happiness since we moved here, to full on tears to an admission. It was really hard to admit and  to tell him that ever since I was 15 I believe that I will die by suicide one day. At first I said something like do you know what I always thought of how I will die? and he asked how? and I could not continue. I got really emotional. I hyperventilated a little and cried some more; I was just going to end the conversation like I always try to do, but he pushed me and wanted me "to finish my sentence". It was actually a good thing to talk to him about it. We been married for seven years, and when he met me I was also depressed;I have always said he saved me, and when we started dating I asked him if he was sure he wanted to because I was crazy... but he knew that because we talked through the web world for a year. So he was not surprised. It opened the doors for more conversations that normally I have kept to myself. We talked about his way of seeing and perception of depression, and anxiety versus what it's really like first hand and my experience and I am glad he finally is starting to understand what I been going through. It's not first time we have talked about suicide and my risks, I spoke to him about some stuff back in April when I hit rock bottom, but this is the first time I was really open about it that's an improvement right? I am wondering if this would be a lot easier for me if I were to try to explain it to a Psychologist? Why was it so hard to tell my husband about what I been thinking about my dying by suicide? Would I find it easier to tell a Psychologists that same exact sentence and not have so much trouble? I think it might since I don't really know them personally, but I don't know. I am starting to have second thoughts about having the option of going to see the Psychologist again if I need to at my campus. I am scared too. I know I said I would be honest, tell the truth and not hide my true self or feelings but I am also debating that too. I do not want to be forced to go to the hospital, I do not want to give him a reason or excuse to send me to one - it will just make things worse- I know so- plus I would probably run away if I get any indication of it before hand and I would have to get hurt before they would take me. I am not suicidal I just think of stuff sometimes, but really who can blame me if you knew my past then maybe you can see why I think the way that I do... but no one can understand even a Psychologist unless that person has gone through it or felt this way too.

I even stopped doing my "zen" routine activities that I was doing to stay Zen during my ten days off (see post) and I get depressed again. I should re- start that and go back to the gym.

  On the bright side work is going great. Had a conversation with my boss today and she said how she's so happy I am nannying their son and she told me she notices how he is learning more. :)

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Monday, July 18, 2016

Dear Dad This is Why I Hated You




Dear Dad,

I realize yesterday that at times I feel like I am afraid of rejection. With a day of pure reflection and tears I realize that I can trace it back to you. It would be unfair to blame it all one person since I been rejected by my peers all my life, so I guess I will not blame it all on you. I was a child who was very observant, absorbed, learned and now sometimes I catch my self mimicking the behaviors from those who were suppose to be my role models in life. I admit I model some of that behavior regardless if it's positive or negative. It seems like you, mom, and the rest of the family that you allowed to raise my sister and I were naive and might still be so.

Sadly I can't remember being daddy's girl or you being there fully present; all I remember from childhood are the memories of your drunken past; you know the one swept under the rug. I remember the times you drove us to grandmas house to go "see" her but in reality we witness you numerous times getting drunk together, or that time were you got pulled over while coming from her place in Long Beach and the cop saw us in the back seat and decided to let you go. Remember that time you came home and you said you crashed into the back of the bus while riding your bike and you broke your clavicle? or the time you crashed our new truck? sure I can remember by looking at my baby pictures to replace some of my memories... but to tell you the truth I don't want to stare at pictures where my dad had a flushed face and looked like a tomato ... What about the time that you and mom were suppose to be watching us during the time we visited relatives? instead you trusted that everything would be okay and safe while you guys caught up while drinking and chatting, but I guess you will never know what I know.

You taught my sister and I to be racist yes that also swept under the rug and never to be acknowledge but you or anyone else in the family besides my sister and I. I fight my own thoughts sometimes, I have worked on myself to take those beliefs out of my head yet they still remain.

Did you forget how you called me stupid  for a few months? that too no one other than my sister and mom know that you did. yes swept under the rug once again. I have never told you how much that hurt me and I never will. What hurt is that mom let you do it, by the time she stepped in the damaged had been done and it was too late... besides it made no difference you kept doing it. Yes you apologized but it was after I turned the tables on you and called you stupid over and over and over. You hated it. Did I hurt you? that was my intention. Every time I hear that word I cringe... I hate that word, I have gone nuclear on people who have used that word on me before. I have used that word too hurt the person I love the most even though I know how it feels. Unlike you I have to guts to apologize right away and feel remorseful. I thought you were angry with me. I felt I deserved it. I still do. I was a bad daughter. That's why you did not want my hug for fathers day, card or gift it's ok mom made me do it. Even though I did not want anything from you I felt rejected and I was wondering why? what did I do? what did you find out? Did you want me to hate you, because that's what I felt. I hated you. Mom told me that it was the new medication that you were drinking after your liver transplant that made you mad... that's the reason your were calling me stupid and rejecting me. Yes so that was a side effect but that's not the reason. If that was the case why did you not act like that with my sister?  it was only me. Where you mad at me for not being a good daughter? where you mad at me for skipping school? did someone tell you I would laugh and giggle while you were dying?- it was not my intention, that was my way of dealing with what was going on did you find out what happened while I skipped school? why? when you were calling me stupid, I was busy wishing I was dead.

Every time I hear someone use the word stupid I think back to you doing it. Every time I feel rejected or I am afraid to be rejected I go back in time and I feel the same as I did when you made me feel that way. When my husband get angry at me I feel this devastated and I act like it's the end, I act like I do not care, but I end up getting so upset just like I did with you. I never showed you that it hurt, but as soon as I would get away from you I would cry.

Even though I have my share of addictions I refuse to keep alcohol in my home. One- I would hate to be tempted two- I would hate to be just like you-the alcoholic you three- I know I would become an alcoholic

When I read this it's like I am talking about another father... not the same person. I know no one talks about the consequences of your alcoholism or the effect it had on your family... they are there... I have come to understand that sometimes things need to be swept under the rug... something you all taught me. I don't even know why I choose to write this just felt the need to do so... maybe just to get it out of my chest.

The relationship we have now is not superficial, your different than the person I describe here. You don't even come close now and I know you would be hurt if I read this to you. Although I like my distance between my family and my self; it's that distance that has created more of a bond between us.

I know you love me and I love you.


Saturday, July 16, 2016

Feeling Empty, Numb or Sad? Depression Part 2



Feeling the same as yesterday maybe I feel sad today I just been in my pj's all day lunging around doing nothing. I was laying down on the couch and we had just finished watching tv and my husband was talking about dinner and I was not listening to him. I started to cry; I don't know why I was crying again... I had no reason to, just sad I guess. I was on my cell reading on mental health stuff and my husband told me to put the cell phone down, which I complained about but I placed it down. He knows I spend to much time reading stuff on social media and in this case too many personal stories from others get's me going about mines. I feel depressed; I know I am depressed. I stared at the window, cried, and took some breaths and my husband put some self-help stuff from TED and I watched. Normally I protest and walk away, but today I listened and I enjoy the speaker too. It helped. Got up and my husband and I prepped dinner.

Today I wrote something on paper while sitting on my desk and this is what I was thinking.

"There are somethings I been keeping to myself for a very long time. I was fine until I was forced to face reality in a classroom last year. I don't want to bring anything up to avoid burdening others"


"They have hurt me"


I wrote another group of words that describes an action but just decided that I am not going to write that here. I wrote it , but I erased it. I don't know what I am going to do. I have already been harmed, and keeping it to myself it's going to make things worse, I am seeing that now, I am dealing with that now; all by myself ... I wish I can just ignore it, but it's not going any where. I remember most of it and seems like it is here to stay. Slowly it is eating at my mind taking my soul, peace, and happiness away and what will be left? nothing.

 Absolutely nothing

I started smoking today again because I feel depressed... that's what is helping me still function today without it I would be in bed perhaps in darkness like I was last time. I hate having days off for so long this happens each and every time.

I will be okay.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.


Friday, July 15, 2016

Feeling Empty, Numb, or Sad?




I don't know what wrong with me today. I haven't had much of an appetite but made myself eat at 1pm because I felt my sugar was probably low and we were out and about. I told my husband I felt empty and he thought I was talking about feeling hungry because I had skipped breakfast. No I feel empty and or numb not sure which one or if it is the same feeling. I decided to blog because I am crying but I don't know why. When I feel "empty" or "numb" it's when I want to dig my nails into my skin just to make sure I am alive. "Be careful what you wish for" - thinking back to earlier in the year I wanted to feel numb and not feel and now that I am doing so more often I tend to freak out a bit... this can't be good... it's not normal.

I have not followed my routine to feel zen while i'm off from working to the T and that's a mistake. I was enjoying the yoga and it was a benefit I think to my mental health, but I have not done it like for three days. Yesterday I was feeling great and today this what ever it is. Yesterday I was busy got up early went to pick up a house key and visited the girls before they leave, then I came back ate lunch and cleaned the kitchen, then I went to nanny Z till 5pm and came home spend some time with my honey -I was fine.
I will try to stay away from the internet since I tend to go on shopping sprees when I feel this way and I know how that turned out last time. I will also do some yoga and maybe meditate a little.
I go back to my regular nanny position on Tuesday so I have a few more days to hang on and hopefully stay afloat long enough to not sink.



 If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Nanny Life #2



Had a busy day today went to nanny at two homes today. I was off, but my main nannying job ( with  K) called me and needed me to come in today and also late last night my date night sitting job with Z called me and needed me today and I said ok I can come in right after work. Good thing they are both in Summerlin and live around the same area. My first alarm starts at 4:45am and usually by 5pm I am already up and out the door by 6:30 am -this is my usual time for my main nannying job; I am there till 1pm. Today when I got off at one I went to Starbucks and bought myself a sandwich ... The Chicken BLT mmmm and some vinegar chips - crappy food considering how well I been eating. Went to a park near nanny job #2 lol and ate my lunch. While I was there I saw a group of kids with their cell phones tracking Pokemon -what a stupid game! won't get into it because I can ramble on about it. So I had my hour lunch then went in nannied till 5 pm and then I headed home. It was a busy day and I loved it. I had a very structured and schedule day and that's exactly how I thrive. I did not once think of my memories, had anxiety or anything I think the fact that I am around kids affects me in a good way and I know I can't have issues around the kids... but the very busy schedule seems to help me as well.

The girls I was going to nanny more again since they moved back are moving again... for a few months while their dad is in training... which is a bummer since I just started watching them again. They have hired me too go watch their house twice a month too make sure everything is ok. Which is fine even though I make less cash because I am not watching the girls but at least the cash is not entirely gone since I will get paid to nanny their house. Yes I house watch too, and I am also a petsitter.... a jack of all trades. So it's all good.

Next month I start watching T again I will be picking her up in the afternoon from her school like I did last time. Last time I picked her up twice a week while her mom took her ECE courses (Early Childhood Education) at UNLV, but this time her mom has more classes online so just once a week will do. That will start up again towards the end of next month.

 
Im so happy with my new nanny job :) K is such a smart kid and he is not even two yet. He knows some shapes, colors, some sign language, he is learning Spanish from me, his mother speaks to him in Chinese so does his grandma, and English. His mother says he did not know the sign for crocodile... and I signed it like two days and he knows it now. I brought him cookie cutters to use with his play dough and he says "heart" and picked up the heart and I asked him to show me his heart and he points to his chest and then I asked him to point to "nanny's" heart and he pointed to mines <3 I melt over things like that.

Prepping

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Staying ZEN

I have like two weeks off where I am not working my typical shift. Still working here and there but it's not really my routine. Since I typically get depressed, stress and what not when I do not work I decided to do my own self- care routine to help me stay sane... I mean zen.

Yoga


I have this yoga deck that I purchased years ago that I typically use only when I have major back problems. This year I took it out back in April when I felt I hit rock bottom and I never did any of it. BUT now I am thinking I should have. I been doing it everyday now for a few days and I am loving it. It is for beginners to expert level. I love doing it everyday because it makes me relax, helps me with my focus and keeping me grounded, helps me with my breathing, and I love that each card has a positive mantra. Like one of the card reads "I am vulnerable, I am strong. I can be vulnerable because I am strong." That saying helps me since I do fear feeling vulnerable and hopefully saying it often will help me believe it. If you would like to purchase this deck press here Miller Yoga Deck.


Coloring 
 I ordered this Coloring Book  on one of my shopping binges that I had when I was depressed and did not do much on it until my sister and her husband came with their own coloring books and they would sit down everyday to color. I found it a little amusing because I am the artistic one and my sister is not the coloring type... she did buy hers after I told her about coloring your stress away and after I had bought mine. Did I start a trend in the family?- a hobby? So this weeks I been coloring and I love how I get into it and how it keep me distracted away from the memories I been having. Keeps me more occupied away from social media and my obsession with youtube.

Blogging and Journaling



I had this journal in my room with empty pages that had not been filled out for years. It says "Enjoy the Little Things" on the cover. I decided to starts writing quotes and positive sayings that I find and write it down to read when needed. I love positive quotes and it has plenty of pages to use it for a year or two and fill it completely. It will be beneficial and fun to read them all.

I also think writing in a journal/diary can help deal with sadness, frustration, depression or whatever is in your mind that needs to be expressed. I typically do not talk to others about my issues until I explode and it does not look pretty. One way I am avoiding exploding and hurting myself even more is by expressing my feelings in a blog. I started this blog in May right after I hit rock bottom. I have learned so much about myself by writing and it has helped so much. Hopefully I can come back to my blog when I am feeling better one day and see how far I have come.

Exercise




I am back to walking after being ill the last few weeks. Any kind of exercise is great for your mental health, but doing exercise in the outdoors is even better for you. I enjoy walking with my husband because you breathe air and your not cooped up in my house or bed room. Even when I do not feel like going out to walk we make my self go. It's good for the change of scenery and depending on where you choose to walk you can find your self among nature. I will be going back to the gym when I fully recover at least twice a week since I will be back at work.


Meditation



When I hit rock bottom and my depression was at the worst I downloaded a free app called Breathe it really calmed me and guided me through breathing exercises and the meditations. Besides that it does have a soothing voice to it and I need that sometimes. You do not need an app to meditate and you can do it anywhere and anyone can do it... also I have the app on my iphone but I can acess it on my computer which might come in handy when I am stressing out when I start next smester. Also you don't have to be affiliated with any religion to be able to meditate. I will start meditating again tonight. Here is a great article on the benefits of meditating


Reading 

I have not read a good book in a very long time. It was one of my favorite hobbies once; but I been very lazy when it comes to reading outside of school reading materials. I have two books dying to read and maybe this is the week. My two books are "Open Heart, Clear Mind: An Introduction to Buddha's Teaching" and "No Mud, No Lotus: The Art of Transforming Suffering", one that is on my Amazon list that a lot of the people I follow on Instagram are reading and like is "Reason's to Stay Alive" and this one is also on my list and has to do with what hopefully I will be doing in the future is "Days in the Lives of Social Workers: 58 Professionals Tell Real- Life Stories from Social Work Practice"


Chamomile Tea


I am not much of a tea drinker, but something I just bought is this Organic Chamomile tea. I love the Traditional Medicinals tea brands because they have a tea for everything! and it's very good quality tea. Chamomile Tea helps with promoting relaxation and help with digestion and adding a spoon of honey also enhances it.








 Aromatherapy  

I love products from bath and body works that are especially for stress and helps for sleep as well. My husband has asthma so I cannot really use smelly products like candles and lotions but I love to use their bath shower gels for stress relief.

High School- Past and Current Suicide thoughts?


Past Experience.
When I was in high school and part of the alternative program the kids there who got in trouble by being destructive wondered how I got in trouble... "It's the quiet ones you need to watch out for", "how does she get in trouble when she does not even talk?" , "what did she do now?" ... little did people know how sad I was, I was considered a trouble maker and even a "rose with thorns", "smart ass", a "county kid" like a teacher called me, they even suggested I be put in boot camp and eventually when I transferred I saw my file lay across a desk with the words "AGGRESSIVE" in capital letters. When I saw that I surely thought it was a mistake... me? I am not saying I was innocent, but I was not aggressive unless they were describing the time I threw a math book at the teacher actually they said it was at the teacher but I actually just threw it off the desk because I did not like how he slammed it on my desk... now that I think of it I did that twice but only once in this school; and I did say "no" a lot. Compare to the other kids in the program you would think they would write ANGEL on the file instead of AGGRESSIVE. I was moved to another program which was now a county program hence "county kids" because they thought I did not like the teachers in the other program and I was not really making improvements because I was still dealing with truancy issues. There was less kids in this program and they were nice unlike the kids in the other program were bullying me, the teacher seemed nice at first but then I ended up considering him an ass hole. He called the kids "county kids", treated them like they were in prison/boot camp, and at first he thought I was great... I finished work that would take a whole school year in a month or so and turned it in and he embarrassed me by telling the other kids that i finished my school books in a month and they would take a whole year to do... he meant well but I don't like people praising me especially teachers and in front of others. One day we were playing a spelling bee game... I was spelling the words right when it came to my turn and then after my turn we would start a new word. Well he picked one of those words that had a two ways of spelling it and I just could not get it... so when the other students began to say "pass" I said "pass" too and he did not like that I had passed it as well. I told him "why can they say pass and I can't? " the game finished and he called me over to this closet room he had in the classroom. The closet room was very narrow and long and it had a built in book case, room for a small desk and the teacher aids bike. He told me that from now on I will come into the closet every morning and I would stay into the end of the class ( we had no periods...we stayed int he same classroom all day). I immediately raised my voice and yelled at him and said "Why?!" ... I felt like my blood pressure went up and honestly I was so angry inside that I was surprised at myself for raising my voice apparently so was he. If I remember correctly he raised his hand and told me to step back and quiet down. I did not say much to him after that. Every morning the teacher aid would unlock the closet for me and into the desk I went. The teacher brought me books and I sat there doing the homework and he changed me back to the previous program but I was still to stay in his classroom. Well I needed to report back to the previous teachers with my course work and I did not like that. So at first I did my homework and then I just stopped. I gave up. I was already depressed and once he put me in that closet I felt worse. He would come in there and check up on me and tell me to do my course work and he would try to sit next to me and tried to strike up a conversation with me. I still don't know why he put me in that closet... he never answered my question. I cried, I would sleep, I would pretend to sleep, and I drew a lot. I did no course work. He would ask me where I was going when they would call from the office for me to go down and talk to the therapist or psychologist whatever she was... I did not tell him. My aunt had just died, I was currently starving myself( no one knew that), my dad was dying (but he survived), and Confession: no one knows this... I had just planned to kill my self months before I was moved into that program. Eventually he stopped checking up on me as often as he was and I could have taken the opportunity to just do it right there and then; he would have just noticed at the end of the day. I didn't.
Current
It was sometime this past June when one day I cried when I was having those memories I been slightly mentioning and avoiding discussing them at the same time. The memories have lessen and not that intense as they were months ago, I still cry here and there when I am dealing with them, but this particular day I was anxious and I believe that intensified them. I said something to myself that scared me. This went across my mind "If I would have taken my life years ago, I would not be here to deal with this now" Now just because I said this to my self it does not mean I am suicidal, It's not what I want to do, and I have no plans to do it. It was just a thought and nothing more. It's not the first time I wondered about phrases I write or in this case said to myself if this is part of suicide ideation? I honestly do not think it's serious because I am not saying I want to die and such... but I am wondering if a Psychologist would see this as such and is that a reason to force me into a hospital?It is not something new I been feeling this way on and off since I was 15. I also have been very understanding of people who feel the same, who have tried to commit suicide,  I feel like I know what they are feeling and in my case it does go beyond having empathy. I feel a Psychologist would not understand this and will misunderstand me. It is stuff like this that makes me not want to be honest about my feelings, because I am scared to be forced to be admitted. I say forced because I am not one to go to any hospital setting, I also do not like being touched or told what to do, I don't do well in setting and people that are unfamiliar, I tend to eventually absorb the behaviors of others; I do not see it going well if that were to be the case.

I am fine and I am safe.

I honestly believe if I talk about my memories and the past experiences that go with those memories I can move forward. I feel that a lot of my problems will be eliminated or close to it if I just simply find a way to disclose everything; It seems like I keep battling myself.  I can't see the psychologist at school until next semester... and even then I am still debating if I should even say anything because I am scared too talk about my past experiences. It's been so long that I feel I am ready but that does not mean that I am not scared to do so because I am.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

2016 Fourth of July

 I been busy hosting family in my home. My nephews always keep me happy, busy and tired just the medicine I need in fact. We had a good Fourth of July weekend. We did lot's of cooking, took walks, went out to eat, hang out with the kids, went to Summerlin's Independence Day Parade and lit some sparklers for the kids and now they are going home.

 I have like ten days off what am I going to do with all those days off? I am hoping I find something to do and stay busy because I do not want to get depressed, have anxiety, or deal with my intrusive memories. The memories have been present this week but only when I been in my bedroom and they have not been as bad.

Here are some pictures of our Fourth of July Weekend









Tuesday, July 5, 2016

I miss Charlie Bean

When my sister, and I took her boys for a stroll on their scooters this past weekend I saw a paw print that seemed to be an ink paw print of a dog on  the sidewalk. I was baffled it was just one paw print, made of ink just like Charlie Beans ink paw prints. What a coincidence that it was also on the path that I used to walk Charlie Bean. I am glad that I got a tattoo of his paw print on my leg even if it was an impulsive decision I will never regret it! I miss him a lot because he was my partner... he showed me more loving attention than anyone else, he was a joy to have around, my exercise partner, made me feel better and comforted me all the time. Even though I can never replace him I have been thinking of getting another dog, but my husband insists that it be when we move to Oregon... or Seattle. I can't live without a dog... I hate saying that because it sounds so morbid, but it's true. I have lived with dogs all my life and I can easily communicate with them unlike with other humans. I was raised around dogs too like my grandpas house we always had different type of dogs around, my home also. I have studied about dogs and I also worked with dogs. It's my life.


March 1st (April Fools Day) We found out he was ill. These pictures are between April and May








He does not look sick...

One of our routines after we found he was sick was taking him to this lake in the community to look at ducks one of his favorite things to do. We took him even (May 1st) on the day we took him to the vet to be euthanized.