Sunday, July 10, 2016

High School- Past and Current Suicide thoughts?

Past Experience.
When I was in high school and part of the alternative program the kids there who got in trouble by being destructive wondered how I got in trouble... "It's the quiet ones you need to watch out for", "how does she get in trouble when she does not even talk?" , "what did she do now?" ... little did people know how sad I was, I was considered a trouble maker and even a "rose with thorns", "smart ass", a "county kid" like a teacher called me, they even suggested I be put in boot camp and eventually when I transferred I saw my file lay across a desk with the words "AGGRESSIVE" in capital letters. When I saw that I surely thought it was a mistake... me? I am not saying I was innocent, but I was not aggressive unless they were describing the time I threw a math book at the teacher actually they said it was at the teacher but I actually just threw it off the desk because I did not like how he slammed it on my desk... now that I think of it I did that twice but only once in this school; and I did say "no" a lot. Compare to the other kids in the program you would think they would write ANGEL on the file instead of AGGRESSIVE. I was moved to another program which was now a county program hence "county kids" because they thought I did not like the teachers in the other program and I was not really making improvements because I was still dealing with truancy issues. There was less kids in this program and they were nice unlike the kids in the other program were bullying me, the teacher seemed nice at first but then I ended up considering him an ass hole. He called the kids "county kids", treated them like they were in prison/boot camp, and at first he thought I was great... I finished work that would take a whole school year in a month or so and turned it in and he embarrassed me by telling the other kids that i finished my school books in a month and they would take a whole year to do... he meant well but I don't like people praising me especially teachers and in front of others. One day we were playing a spelling bee game... I was spelling the words right when it came to my turn and then after my turn we would start a new word. Well he picked one of those words that had a two ways of spelling it and I just could not get it... so when the other students began to say "pass" I said "pass" too and he did not like that I had passed it as well. I told him "why can they say pass and I can't? " the game finished and he called me over to this closet room he had in the classroom. The closet room was very narrow and long and it had a built in book case, room for a small desk and the teacher aids bike. He told me that from now on I will come into the closet every morning and I would stay into the end of the class ( we had no periods...we stayed int he same classroom all day). I immediately raised my voice and yelled at him and said "Why?!" ... I felt like my blood pressure went up and honestly I was so angry inside that I was surprised at myself for raising my voice apparently so was he. If I remember correctly he raised his hand and told me to step back and quiet down. I did not say much to him after that. Every morning the teacher aid would unlock the closet for me and into the desk I went. The teacher brought me books and I sat there doing the homework and he changed me back to the previous program but I was still to stay in his classroom. Well I needed to report back to the previous teachers with my course work and I did not like that. So at first I did my homework and then I just stopped. I gave up. I was already depressed and once he put me in that closet I felt worse. He would come in there and check up on me and tell me to do my course work and he would try to sit next to me and tried to strike up a conversation with me. I still don't know why he put me in that closet... he never answered my question. I cried, I would sleep, I would pretend to sleep, and I drew a lot. I did no course work. He would ask me where I was going when they would call from the office for me to go down and talk to the therapist or psychologist whatever she was... I did not tell him. My aunt had just died, I was currently starving myself( no one knew that), my dad was dying (but he survived), and Confession: no one knows this... I had just planned to kill my self months before I was moved into that program. Eventually he stopped checking up on me as often as he was and I could have taken the opportunity to just do it right there and then; he would have just noticed at the end of the day. I didn't.
It was sometime this past June when one day I cried when I was having those memories I been slightly mentioning and avoiding discussing them at the same time. The memories have lessen and not that intense as they were months ago, I still cry here and there when I am dealing with them, but this particular day I was anxious and I believe that intensified them. I said something to myself that scared me. This went across my mind "If I would have taken my life years ago, I would not be here to deal with this now" Now just because I said this to my self it does not mean I am suicidal, It's not what I want to do, and I have no plans to do it. It was just a thought and nothing more. It's not the first time I wondered about phrases I write or in this case said to myself if this is part of suicide ideation? I honestly do not think it's serious because I am not saying I want to die and such... but I am wondering if a Psychologist would see this as such and is that a reason to force me into a hospital?It is not something new I been feeling this way on and off since I was 15. I also have been very understanding of people who feel the same, who have tried to commit suicide,  I feel like I know what they are feeling and in my case it does go beyond having empathy. I feel a Psychologist would not understand this and will misunderstand me. It is stuff like this that makes me not want to be honest about my feelings, because I am scared to be forced to be admitted. I say forced because I am not one to go to any hospital setting, I also do not like being touched or told what to do, I don't do well in setting and people that are unfamiliar, I tend to eventually absorb the behaviors of others; I do not see it going well if that were to be the case.

I am fine and I am safe.

I honestly believe if I talk about my memories and the past experiences that go with those memories I can move forward. I feel that a lot of my problems will be eliminated or close to it if I just simply find a way to disclose everything; It seems like I keep battling myself.  I can't see the psychologist at school until next semester... and even then I am still debating if I should even say anything because I am scared too talk about my past experiences. It's been so long that I feel I am ready but that does not mean that I am not scared to do so because I am.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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