Monday, July 18, 2016

Dear Dad This is Why I Hated You

Dear Dad,

I realize yesterday that at times I feel like I am afraid of rejection. With a day of pure reflection and tears I realize that I can trace it back to you. It would be unfair to blame it all one person since I been rejected by my peers all my life, so I guess I will not blame it all on you. I was a child who was very observant, absorbed, learned and now sometimes I catch my self mimicking the behaviors from those who were suppose to be my role models in life. I admit I model some of that behavior regardless if it's positive or negative. It seems like you, mom, and the rest of the family that you allowed to raise my sister and I were naive and might still be so.

Sadly I can't remember being daddy's girl or you being there fully present; all I remember from childhood are the memories of your drunken past; you know the one swept under the rug. I remember the times you drove us to grandmas house to go "see" her but in reality we witness you numerous times getting drunk together, or that time were you got pulled over while coming from her place in Long Beach and the cop saw us in the back seat and decided to let you go. Remember that time you came home and you said you crashed into the back of the bus while riding your bike and you broke your clavicle? or the time you crashed our new truck? sure I can remember by looking at my baby pictures to replace some of my memories... but to tell you the truth I don't want to stare at pictures where my dad had a flushed face and looked like a tomato ... What about the time that you and mom were suppose to be watching us during the time we visited relatives? instead you trusted that everything would be okay and safe while you guys caught up while drinking and chatting, but I guess you will never know what I know.

You taught my sister and I to be racist yes that also swept under the rug and never to be acknowledge but you or anyone else in the family besides my sister and I. I fight my own thoughts sometimes, I have worked on myself to take those beliefs out of my head yet they still remain.

Did you forget how you called me stupid  for a few months? that too no one other than my sister and mom know that you did. yes swept under the rug once again. I have never told you how much that hurt me and I never will. What hurt is that mom let you do it, by the time she stepped in the damaged had been done and it was too late... besides it made no difference you kept doing it. Yes you apologized but it was after I turned the tables on you and called you stupid over and over and over. You hated it. Did I hurt you? that was my intention. Every time I hear that word I cringe... I hate that word, I have gone nuclear on people who have used that word on me before. I have used that word too hurt the person I love the most even though I know how it feels. Unlike you I have to guts to apologize right away and feel remorseful. I thought you were angry with me. I felt I deserved it. I still do. I was a bad daughter. That's why you did not want my hug for fathers day, card or gift it's ok mom made me do it. Even though I did not want anything from you I felt rejected and I was wondering why? what did I do? what did you find out? Did you want me to hate you, because that's what I felt. I hated you. Mom told me that it was the new medication that you were drinking after your liver transplant that made you mad... that's the reason your were calling me stupid and rejecting me. Yes so that was a side effect but that's not the reason. If that was the case why did you not act like that with my sister?  it was only me. Where you mad at me for not being a good daughter? where you mad at me for skipping school? did someone tell you I would laugh and giggle while you were dying?- it was not my intention, that was my way of dealing with what was going on did you find out what happened while I skipped school? why? when you were calling me stupid, I was busy wishing I was dead.

Every time I hear someone use the word stupid I think back to you doing it. Every time I feel rejected or I am afraid to be rejected I go back in time and I feel the same as I did when you made me feel that way. When my husband get angry at me I feel this devastated and I act like it's the end, I act like I do not care, but I end up getting so upset just like I did with you. I never showed you that it hurt, but as soon as I would get away from you I would cry.

Even though I have my share of addictions I refuse to keep alcohol in my home. One- I would hate to be tempted two- I would hate to be just like you-the alcoholic you three- I know I would become an alcoholic

When I read this it's like I am talking about another father... not the same person. I know no one talks about the consequences of your alcoholism or the effect it had on your family... they are there... I have come to understand that sometimes things need to be swept under the rug... something you all taught me. I don't even know why I choose to write this just felt the need to do so... maybe just to get it out of my chest.

The relationship we have now is not superficial, your different than the person I describe here. You don't even come close now and I know you would be hurt if I read this to you. Although I like my distance between my family and my self; it's that distance that has created more of a bond between us.

I know you love me and I love you.

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