Friday, July 22, 2016

Empty, Numb, or Sad Depression Part 3

It's been a week maybe more were I have felt depressed everyday; some days more than others. I am really over this shit I do not want to live the rest of my life feeling this way... to me it's not worth it. I am not talking about anyone else's struggles or what not just my personal opinion about mines. I have been feeling better since Tuesday because I no longer off  from work (was for ten days) which helps! Being at work(with kids) and being busy is the only reason I am doing okay,  only reason I still function, only reason I have to smile the kids I nanny and having my nephews in my life are my reasons; at this moment those are the reasons I get up in the morning, it's the only reasons I still exist.

One of the reasons I am still in college is because I only once have gotten a semester close to full time, because when I am not working I fall into a deep depression regardless if I have a full semester at school. The more I feel this way the more I think I have clinical depression (major depression) just because of the severity and length and it has me concerned. I felt I been depressed on and off since 15, been thinking about suicide related stuff since then (confession). When I lived in Reno before coming here to this stupid city of Las Vegas I felt truly the happiest I have ever, I think there I had less depression, I had close ties with my co-workers, I started being more social, I loved the outdoors, I loved the city, I loved everything... then I moved here and I like to say my husband brought me kicking and screaming (because he literally did). I been here 4 1/2 years and my depression has been more frequent and in the last year it has worsen and maybe has gotten dangerous. I was reading this article of subtle and often ignored signs of depression and I have every single one! and it's always is like that for me here is the article 8 subtle and ignored signs of depression
here is another similar article psychologytoday
I also relate to this article that I found on The Mighty What the Girl Hiding her Major Depression Disorder Needs you to Know  People always think I am fine because I used to be the co-worker or person with the cheesy smile, who was positive, who was there for others to vent and talk too, who seems like nothing bothers her, but little do they know that was just a mask. I have always hidden my experiences, my trauma, everything and my pain. I been a little more vocal of what has gone on and people seem surprised that I am having any kind of trouble- or they act concerned all of a sudden- it's harder for me to keep it up now since I have hit rock bottom- I don't smile much, I don't feel much anymore or I feel too much before my smile was plastered on my face and now it's not. It's easier for people to see it now; but it's a little to late.

On that thought last night my husband and I were laying in bed, we went from talking about sex (which I got denied; he said he felt sick...), to giggling, to a conversation of how I am scared about my mental health, our decline of our happiness since we moved here, to full on tears to an admission. It was really hard to admit and  to tell him that ever since I was 15 I believe that I will die by suicide one day. At first I said something like do you know what I always thought of how I will die? and he asked how? and I could not continue. I got really emotional. I hyperventilated a little and cried some more; I was just going to end the conversation like I always try to do, but he pushed me and wanted me "to finish my sentence". It was actually a good thing to talk to him about it. We been married for seven years, and when he met me I was also depressed;I have always said he saved me, and when we started dating I asked him if he was sure he wanted to because I was crazy... but he knew that because we talked through the web world for a year. So he was not surprised. It opened the doors for more conversations that normally I have kept to myself. We talked about his way of seeing and perception of depression, and anxiety versus what it's really like first hand and my experience and I am glad he finally is starting to understand what I been going through. It's not first time we have talked about suicide and my risks, I spoke to him about some stuff back in April when I hit rock bottom, but this is the first time I was really open about it that's an improvement right? I am wondering if this would be a lot easier for me if I were to try to explain it to a Psychologist? Why was it so hard to tell my husband about what I been thinking about my dying by suicide? Would I find it easier to tell a Psychologists that same exact sentence and not have so much trouble? I think it might since I don't really know them personally, but I don't know. I am starting to have second thoughts about having the option of going to see the Psychologist again if I need to at my campus. I am scared too. I know I said I would be honest, tell the truth and not hide my true self or feelings but I am also debating that too. I do not want to be forced to go to the hospital, I do not want to give him a reason or excuse to send me to one - it will just make things worse- I know so- plus I would probably run away if I get any indication of it before hand and I would have to get hurt before they would take me. I am not suicidal I just think of stuff sometimes, but really who can blame me if you knew my past then maybe you can see why I think the way that I do... but no one can understand even a Psychologist unless that person has gone through it or felt this way too.

I even stopped doing my "zen" routine activities that I was doing to stay Zen during my ten days off (see post) and I get depressed again. I should re- start that and go back to the gym.

  On the bright side work is going great. Had a conversation with my boss today and she said how she's so happy I am nannying their son and she told me she notices how he is learning more. :)

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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