Wednesday, August 31, 2016

I went online a few days ago and typed the question "Am I suicidal?" and this quiz popped up and I took it. This are the results "moderately or severely depressed" yup that has been my life it seems.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

; "How Beautiful life is when you are in the world"

I asked my husband today while I was cleaning if he thought if I was suicidal... and he said without hesitation "yes" then he said but I don't think that you are actively suicidal at this moment". I personally hate the word suicide/suicidal I so not see myself as "suicidal"... one I feel it's like a label- I do not want to be label as such I do not see who would. Two I might be in denial- I know I been having "thoughts" I know that... I know my past which just involved planning a detailed plan when I was 15... I know that there are other suicidal risk factors that I have. To say that I am "suicidal" or being considered suicidal bothers me especially if it's going in a file that who knows where it will end up or come back to bite me. I don't know about that. I asked him if he thought I would be forced into the hospital if I told the Psychologist that I have those thoughts? I am scared of ending up in a hospital. I feel I will end up in a worser shape and situation. I know myself if that were someday the case someone might as well put me out of my misery.  I have things that I know that I wish know one to know at least not now. I told him what would be the point of going to talk to a Psychologist and lie about it? Like I have written before I have promised myself that I would not lie but that is hard for me because that's what I have done for so long to keep things guarded you know... I don't know why I lie. I realize I have to be honest if I want to heal and get help. The last person I should be lying to is the Psychologist or any other mental health professional, but it is a hard thing to do.

 I have a purpose. I choose to keep going. I choose to live. I choose to not end my life.

; "How Beautiful life is when you are in the world" 

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Emotional National Dog Day RIP Charlie Bean

My dog Charlie Bean meant everything to me... I need him more now than ever( my tear licker) and he is no longer here. I had a good day... a tiring day but it was good, then I come home and I was on Facebook (the trigger) and realized it was National Dog Day today. After I realized the importance of today my mood drastically changed. I just spent more than an hour being teary eye, thinking about my dog, laying on the couch and pretending I was asleep when my husband passed by and looking at old pictures of Charlie Bean. I just got up and decided to vent a little of course on my handy dandy blog. I hope my mood returns back to how it was earlier today because I know my dog would not like me being sad.

Update:I should have stayed away from social media, but I did not and finally last night I broke down. I tried covering my face... I could not help it the tears just came out, I started shaking, I hyperventilated a little, and my back started getting back spasms (This is when I wish I shoot myself with a sedative of some kind). My husband sat next to me on the couch and made me talk about it even though I did not want too. Talking helped me from hurting myself. My urges were about to get the best of me and I was going to find a tool to hurt my arm with... but everything turned out okay I am still self-harm free going on three months now-well from using tools I do dig my nails into my arm but I can't remember when I did that last and I been trimming my nails short for that reason.

 Here are some pictures of Charlie Bean

                                  The pictures below are from Reno NV ... our happy place

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Do they have these for humans? :D I need one!
What I need to work on!

Red Rock Ice Box Trail

Yesterday was not a good day for me... was not in a good place, so last night I told my husband we need to go hiking tomorrow. Our yearly pass to Red Rock expired so we renewed it. We started hiking when we were dating it was our hobby when we lived in California. When we moved to Reno it got way better and we would go often. Since we have moved to Las Vegas it just has not been the same... but it still has nice locations were we can hike. One of them being Red Rock Canyon, since the weather is suppose to start cooling down soon we decided we need to try to go every weekend and do some hiking whether it's Red Rock or somewhere else... we are not in the best shape so we would have to start with the "easy" ones. Although Ice Box is not an easy hike we still attempt it maybe when we are more fit we can finish it.

Turn off volume on this last video

Images and videos taken with iphone 5

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Feeling like shit and life sucks time line

Me: I feel numb
Husband: Where?
Me: no not like that, I feel numb like I don't feel anything... I have no feelings... Like a zoombie. When I drive I am aware but it's like I am not there.

He does not understand... he thinks Psychologists are stupid, or that they don't know anything, in his own words he once told me "I know more than you and the psychologist" he thinks we do not need them and if I wanted to help my self I can do self-help at home; he gets mad at me that I refuse to listen to self-help stuff. Nothing wrong with self help, but my husband has pushed the self help thing since the day we met. Understandable that he has been trying to help me out because when he found me online it was through my writing and like it is here it was not good... worse in fact; it was very dark and I was depressed at that time too. 

Our relationship started out that way- not a good way is it? I have always had the feeling of him trying to fix me I think I have come to accept that's how our relationship is because I always have seen my self as damaged. The "damaged " he had nothing to do with... that's something that started when I was young. To be fair I have tried to fix him too. So that's that... it is what it is. 

I was telling him that I have not been happy since my birthday in January. That was the last time I smiled like my old smile... the one that I had always plastered on my face like a happy clown...fake or not it was a "beautiful smile"- This whole fucking year has been a mess. it has not been my year and I have not had a year like this since high school. I was happy for my birthday even though I dislike birthdays and then I don't remember being happy. 
I wake up and I am anxious driving to work, I am happy at work (I believe it is still authentic) and it's my motivation to getting up or else I doubt I would. Once Im off the clock I am back to feeling nothing. I feel numb, empty, and I feel nothing. If I am smiling I don't know anymore if it's authentic ... if I feel happy for a spare moment I don't know if it is authentic... I have been faking for so long and covering my true feelings that I feel that I can't identify what I truly feel. 

Time line
Fall semester (late last year)
c-part course
C- part led to Urges to hurt myself (in a non suicidal way)
Resurfaced while taking the course.Memories, memories, memories, alot of nocturnal panic attacks
impulsive, wreckless behavior

Memories+ urges

Angry at work
Quit on the spot
Memories increased
Lacked motivation to work on school project...not concentrate
sleeping issues

(DRC) refused math disorder diagnosis 
Memories Increased
urges intensify
Lack motivation to work on school project could not concentrate

1st April fools day found out my dog Charlie Bean had a tumor and had less than a month
Was pushed to see my college Clinical Psychologist
The same week of my second and last visit to the Psychologist I hit Rock Bottom (to make story short I did not see a reason anymore to wake up) and everything that came with it.
Had intense and deep guilt when I was thinking about my dog being sick
Started with self-injury issues
Memories are worse
feeling out of control
Started smoking herb mixture
Not concentrate
Panic attack

Had to take in my dog to be euthanized -devastated a day prior
Impulsively got a tattoo
Made appointment to see Psychologists but misunderstanding???- just received my diagnosis for Social Anxiety to take to the DRC at school.
DRC to accomodate for social anxiety and not for math disorder
feeling like a failure
Stayed up two WHOLE days working on school project

Feeling like I rather be dead because of the memories and depression

Feeling better
Family visit

Feeling numb, empty, like I have no feelings...(started after I hit rock bottom. Rock bottomed in mid- April after seeing the Psych. At first I wanted to feel numb but when I did feel numb in end of May maybe June I freaked out) 
self-injury (just pinching and digging nails into arm)
thinking about how I would look if I drown in the bathtub or bled out -but NOT suicidal
Getting bored at work
Anxiety about next semester
memories have lessen but still dealing with them

what's next? do I even want to know?

yeah that's my year ... just shit. I did not even include my symptoms or signs of my rock bottom episode the list would have been too long. What ever I listed was the major stuff the rest I did not list.

Not very hopeful that the rest of the year will turn around. As for school not hopeful about that either neither about my future. I had plans... seem on hold? I don't even think about them anymore because I don't think I am graduating. I have anxiety already since the beginning of this month about school. As for math all I can say is that I cannot handle another D or F. Not sure how I would feel about dropping it if I need too. 

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Monday, August 15, 2016

I am upset but I am just letting it go.

"I'm sitting on our bed and I have tears flowing off my face. I'm silent as a cat stalking it's prey"-Me

My husband got angry with me because I told him off and said to him "why don't you get a job and stop harassing me". I been spending again... I have not been depressed this time-I don't think... not sure I thought I was doing good just a few days with numbness. That's how I felt this morning and afternoon and since he scolded me for spending too much I came upstairs after an hour and hyperventilated a little, few tears and now I am blogging about it.  

I will listen to Om Mani Padme Hum a buddhist mantra and I will listen to Confidence Affirmations that I have listen to twice and I like the voice tone and the affirmations. I feel it will help me relax and not focus on what the issue was that I mentioned above. 

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Just a Quick Life Update


I have had an uneventful week regarding my mental health issues :) I have been doing good. Sometimes I do not look forward to the weekend because sometimes a weekend can send me into a bought of depression that can last weeks that has been my experiences since late last year. Work is good... still find myself getting bored ... I brought in some crayola markers and I can't use them anymore because "k's" mom did not like that he got a little marker on himself... wait till he starts preschool what is she going to say when he comes home with a splatter of paint on his clothes? I am all for being OCD in fact I am that way at work and when I was working in the preschool setting OCD behaviors were encouraged... I know it's not a laughing matter, but c'mon. So I think little things like that are making me feel a little bored more and more the longer I work there... not a good thing.

Today I felt a little numb... It's like I feel nothing... hard to explain... not sure how to explain that. While I cleaned today I found my pipe and my smoking blend batch that I have not smoked in weeks and decided to do so today since I been feeling this way. It relaxed me... that's what I needed and it gave me enough motivation to come upstairs and start cleaning my side of the room which has been a mess. Is it possible to have hoarder behavior and not be a complete hoarder? -My aunts and grandparents did raise me too and I think they were hoarders and still are... maybe I learned it...maybe its hereditary? haha this is my space in my room I am about to describe ----> a basket of clothing completely full and on top of a mountain of clean clothes that have been there for months... on the side of the bed is a trail of magazines, trash, paper, tissues, underwear, socks... not sure if the socks are clean or not, school materials from last semester, a blanket that has been there in the corner since the summer started that leads to my night stand where I have a dozen aquafina bottles - I drive my husband crazy with this... I take a sip of water or two and leave the container there and open another one and proceed to do the same thing and next thing you know I have a collection on my night stand... along with a bunch of papers, vitamin bottles, over the counter medication (the one I tend to abuse sometimes) and more crap. I am tired just describing it. Well I am using this weekend to clean my side... because once I start the semester again I know I will use that as an excuse not to clean.

update : took me two days but it's clean I did it!

Talking about school; I dropped the Autism course that I had signed up for. I hope I am not making a mistake. The reason I did was because I want to make sure I can pay the attention I need for math. I wanted the course to get a better gpa and also have the 6 credits required to see the Psychologist if needed, but if I failed math again what good will it do if I get a good grade in the Autism class? As for the Psychologist I know they can make an exception, but still I don't want to feel like they will reject me or not have the same rights as someone who has the 6 units...
The memories have been present but it has not been so bad. I am scared if I get seriously depressed like I did in April and again in June. It will be concerning if the memories increase again with the depression and on top of that have suicidal thoughts. ok whatever we will see what happens

As for now I am trying to stay busy and I been doing well. I have been staying busy cleaning this weekend and tomorrow I have off so I will continue to stay busy. As for work (my main nanny position) not sure what's going to happen she will go back to work Oct/November and she is telling me she might need me from 8am to sometimes 8pm that is not the schedule I was seeking and they know this. I am having anxiety about it because I did not say no and now she thinks I am okay with it because I did not speak up... I came home that day and thought about it and that's not going to work out. That is giving me anxiety but my husband told me we will worry about that when the time comes and not let it give me anxiety ... (easy for him to say he has no job) So she said we will talk about it some more later.

I can't wait for summer to be over! looking forward to Fall and Winter my favorite seasons.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Red Rock -Calico Basin

My Husband and I went to the Red Springs  Boardwalk in the Red Rock Area- Calico Basin


Little Bunny

Bats- you can barely see them and they fly quick


Pictures and videos taken with iphone5 

Saturday, August 6, 2016

August- We Shall See

Wow it's August already... I can't wait for this year to be over and done with to be honest. I think it has not been a good year for me at all and it started that way from the start. I started the year such a mess and I have been worried about my mental health since late last year when I took what I call the c-part course in the Fall semester. It has been almost a year since then and let's just say things have been going down hill  and as fast as a run away train. Since then I have been in a very dark space   more than once and hitting rock bottom once it was so dark that I had been worried about taking my own life. 

Other than having trouble sleeping and waking up it has been a good week and hopefully it continues on like that. My niece and sister in law made a quick visit and we spent a little time with her while her mother went out to town and that was fun. Work has been going good although sometimes I get bored of the same routine. I do not go out with the child in my care right now because of the heat and they will not let me use paints, for me the out doors and messy art is part of the activities that I like to do. I don't even understand how I get bored with a one year old who keeps me and and moving which is one thing I like as part as my job. I will figure it out.

My nieces beautiful paintings.... I think that's what I look like when I do not sleep well... just saying :)

We started walking again we have been slacking and things have been in the way but we have resumed now. I still need to go back to the gym, but I am not sure when I will resume that since it takes me a while to pump myself back to going (since I feel intimidated) and I also go after being consisting with walking. 

 For a long time I have been interested in learning more, and following the Buddhism philosophy and it's teachings. I have some reading material I have bought and I been researching about it online, but I never have been serious about it until recently. I never been interested in following in religion, practices, beliefs or philosophies. I do not believe in god not sure if I ever did... When I hit rock bottom I never been so afraid of my possible choices. I feel scared that one day I will decide to end things just because. I don't want to- but that possibility has always been there. I feel that Buddhism, meditating and letting go and leaving my suffering in the past can help me deal with life in general and help me find my path... a path that includes helping others. I did buy a few items like a Bodhi seed Mala, and items for my shrine/meditation space. It was a binge but not like when I am depressed; I specifically saved my money to purchase it all and I gave it to my husband to pay the bills... a good responsible binge.  

I am not sure if seeking a type of faith will deter me from seeing a Psychologist... I know I need to talk about my past because I feel that's what has caused all my turmoil, struggles all my life and I have never said a word to anyone... I been holding this stuff in for a very very very long time ; it's just time to let it out

We shall see

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

I can't SLEEP whats new?

I can't sleep! I have to wake up super early tomorrow hopefully one of my dozen alarm wakes me up. I need to get up at 5am well I prefer 4:50.

1:25 am still can't sleep. Drinking chamomile tea to see if it helps.

Update: It took seven alarms to get me up this morning at 5:30 am this morning! eugh I hate getting ready in a rush.