Saturday, August 6, 2016

August- We Shall See

Wow it's August already... I can't wait for this year to be over and done with to be honest. I think it has not been a good year for me at all and it started that way from the start. I started the year such a mess and I have been worried about my mental health since late last year when I took what I call the c-part course in the Fall semester. It has been almost a year since then and let's just say things have been going down hill  and as fast as a run away train. Since then I have been in a very dark space   more than once and hitting rock bottom once it was so dark that I had been worried about taking my own life. 

Other than having trouble sleeping and waking up it has been a good week and hopefully it continues on like that. My niece and sister in law made a quick visit and we spent a little time with her while her mother went out to town and that was fun. Work has been going good although sometimes I get bored of the same routine. I do not go out with the child in my care right now because of the heat and they will not let me use paints, for me the out doors and messy art is part of the activities that I like to do. I don't even understand how I get bored with a one year old who keeps me and and moving which is one thing I like as part as my job. I will figure it out.

My nieces beautiful paintings.... I think that's what I look like when I do not sleep well... just saying :)

We started walking again we have been slacking and things have been in the way but we have resumed now. I still need to go back to the gym, but I am not sure when I will resume that since it takes me a while to pump myself back to going (since I feel intimidated) and I also go after being consisting with walking. 

 For a long time I have been interested in learning more, and following the Buddhism philosophy and it's teachings. I have some reading material I have bought and I been researching about it online, but I never have been serious about it until recently. I never been interested in following in religion, practices, beliefs or philosophies. I do not believe in god not sure if I ever did... When I hit rock bottom I never been so afraid of my possible choices. I feel scared that one day I will decide to end things just because. I don't want to- but that possibility has always been there. I feel that Buddhism, meditating and letting go and leaving my suffering in the past can help me deal with life in general and help me find my path... a path that includes helping others. I did buy a few items like a Bodhi seed Mala, and items for my shrine/meditation space. It was a binge but not like when I am depressed; I specifically saved my money to purchase it all and I gave it to my husband to pay the bills... a good responsible binge.  

I am not sure if seeking a type of faith will deter me from seeing a Psychologist... I know I need to talk about my past because I feel that's what has caused all my turmoil, struggles all my life and I have never said a word to anyone... I been holding this stuff in for a very very very long time ; it's just time to let it out

We shall see

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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