Saturday, August 20, 2016

Feeling like shit and life sucks time line



Me: I feel numb
Husband: Where?
Me: no not like that, I feel numb like I don't feel anything... I have no feelings... Like a zoombie. When I drive I am aware but it's like I am not there.

He does not understand... he thinks Psychologists are stupid, or that they don't know anything, in his own words he once told me "I know more than you and the psychologist" he thinks we do not need them and if I wanted to help my self I can do self-help at home; he gets mad at me that I refuse to listen to self-help stuff. Nothing wrong with self help, but my husband has pushed the self help thing since the day we met. Understandable that he has been trying to help me out because when he found me online it was through my writing and like it is here it was not good... worse in fact; it was very dark and I was depressed at that time too. 

Our relationship started out that way- not a good way is it? I have always had the feeling of him trying to fix me I think I have come to accept that's how our relationship is because I always have seen my self as damaged. The "damaged " he had nothing to do with... that's something that started when I was young. To be fair I have tried to fix him too. So that's that... it is what it is. 

I was telling him that I have not been happy since my birthday in January. That was the last time I smiled like my old smile... the one that I had always plastered on my face like a happy clown...fake or not it was a "beautiful smile"- This whole fucking year has been a mess. it has not been my year and I have not had a year like this since high school. I was happy for my birthday even though I dislike birthdays and then I don't remember being happy. 
I wake up and I am anxious driving to work, I am happy at work (I believe it is still authentic) and it's my motivation to getting up or else I doubt I would. Once Im off the clock I am back to feeling nothing. I feel numb, empty, and I feel nothing. If I am smiling I don't know anymore if it's authentic ... if I feel happy for a spare moment I don't know if it is authentic... I have been faking for so long and covering my true feelings that I feel that I can't identify what I truly feel. 

Time line
Fall semester (late last year)
c-part course
C- part led to Urges to hurt myself (in a non suicidal way)
Resurfaced while taking the course.Memories, memories, memories, alot of nocturnal panic attacks
impulsive, wreckless behavior
anxiety

January 
Birthday
Happy
Memories+ urges

February
Angry at work
Quit on the spot
Anxiety
Depressed
Memories increased
urges
Lacked motivation to work on school project...not concentrate
sleeping issues

March 
Depressed
(DRC) refused math disorder diagnosis 
Anxiety
Memories Increased
urges intensify
Lack motivation to work on school project could not concentrate

April
1st April fools day found out my dog Charlie Bean had a tumor and had less than a month
Was pushed to see my college Clinical Psychologist
The same week of my second and last visit to the Psychologist I hit Rock Bottom (to make story short I did not see a reason anymore to wake up) and everything that came with it.
Had intense and deep guilt when I was thinking about my dog being sick
Started with self-injury issues
Memories are worse
feeling out of control
Started smoking herb mixture
Not concentrate
Impulsive/careless
Panic attack

May
Had to take in my dog to be euthanized -devastated a day prior
Impulsively got a tattoo
Made appointment to see Psychologists but misunderstanding???- just received my diagnosis for Social Anxiety to take to the DRC at school.
DRC to accomodate for social anxiety and not for math disorder
feeling like a failure
Self-injury
Stayed up two WHOLE days working on school project

June
Hopeless
Feeling like I rather be dead because of the memories and depression
Depressed

July
Feeling better
Family visit

August
Feeling numb, empty, like I have no feelings...(started after I hit rock bottom. Rock bottomed in mid- April after seeing the Psych. At first I wanted to feel numb but when I did feel numb in end of May maybe June I freaked out) 
self-injury (just pinching and digging nails into arm)
thinking about how I would look if I drown in the bathtub or bled out -but NOT suicidal
Getting bored at work
Anxiety about next semester
memories have lessen but still dealing with them

what's next? do I even want to know?

yeah that's my year ... just shit. I did not even include my symptoms or signs of my rock bottom episode the list would have been too long. What ever I listed was the major stuff the rest I did not list.

Not very hopeful that the rest of the year will turn around. As for school not hopeful about that either neither about my future. I had plans... seem on hold? I don't even think about them anymore because I don't think I am graduating. I have anxiety already since the beginning of this month about school. As for math all I can say is that I cannot handle another D or F. Not sure how I would feel about dropping it if I need too. 

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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