Sunday, August 28, 2016

; "How Beautiful life is when you are in the world"

I asked my husband today while I was cleaning if he thought if I was suicidal... and he said without hesitation "yes" then he said but I don't think that you are actively suicidal at this moment". I personally hate the word suicide/suicidal I so not see myself as "suicidal"... one I feel it's like a label- I do not want to be label as such I do not see who would. Two I might be in denial- I know I been having "thoughts" I know that... I know my past which just involved planning a detailed plan when I was 15... I know that there are other suicidal risk factors that I have. To say that I am "suicidal" or being considered suicidal bothers me especially if it's going in a file that who knows where it will end up or come back to bite me. I don't know about that. I asked him if he thought I would be forced into the hospital if I told the Psychologist that I have those thoughts? I am scared of ending up in a hospital. I feel I will end up in a worser shape and situation. I know myself if that were someday the case someone might as well put me out of my misery.  I have things that I know that I wish know one to know at least not now. I told him what would be the point of going to talk to a Psychologist and lie about it? Like I have written before I have promised myself that I would not lie but that is hard for me because that's what I have done for so long to keep things guarded you know... I don't know why I lie. I realize I have to be honest if I want to heal and get help. The last person I should be lying to is the Psychologist or any other mental health professional, but it is a hard thing to do.

 I have a purpose. I choose to keep going. I choose to live. I choose to not end my life.

; "How Beautiful life is when you are in the world" 

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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