Sunday, August 14, 2016

Just a Quick Life Update


I have had an uneventful week regarding my mental health issues :) I have been doing good. Sometimes I do not look forward to the weekend because sometimes a weekend can send me into a bought of depression that can last weeks that has been my experiences since late last year. Work is good... still find myself getting bored ... I brought in some crayola markers and I can't use them anymore because "k's" mom did not like that he got a little marker on himself... wait till he starts preschool what is she going to say when he comes home with a splatter of paint on his clothes? I am all for being OCD in fact I am that way at work and when I was working in the preschool setting OCD behaviors were encouraged... I know it's not a laughing matter, but c'mon. So I think little things like that are making me feel a little bored more and more the longer I work there... not a good thing.

Today I felt a little numb... It's like I feel nothing... hard to explain... not sure how to explain that. While I cleaned today I found my pipe and my smoking blend batch that I have not smoked in weeks and decided to do so today since I been feeling this way. It relaxed me... that's what I needed and it gave me enough motivation to come upstairs and start cleaning my side of the room which has been a mess. Is it possible to have hoarder behavior and not be a complete hoarder? -My aunts and grandparents did raise me too and I think they were hoarders and still are... maybe I learned it...maybe its hereditary? haha this is my space in my room I am about to describe ----> a basket of clothing completely full and on top of a mountain of clean clothes that have been there for months... on the side of the bed is a trail of magazines, trash, paper, tissues, underwear, socks... not sure if the socks are clean or not, school materials from last semester, a blanket that has been there in the corner since the summer started that leads to my night stand where I have a dozen aquafina bottles - I drive my husband crazy with this... I take a sip of water or two and leave the container there and open another one and proceed to do the same thing and next thing you know I have a collection on my night stand... along with a bunch of papers, vitamin bottles, over the counter medication (the one I tend to abuse sometimes) and more crap. I am tired just describing it. Well I am using this weekend to clean my side... because once I start the semester again I know I will use that as an excuse not to clean.

update : took me two days but it's clean I did it!

Talking about school; I dropped the Autism course that I had signed up for. I hope I am not making a mistake. The reason I did was because I want to make sure I can pay the attention I need for math. I wanted the course to get a better gpa and also have the 6 credits required to see the Psychologist if needed, but if I failed math again what good will it do if I get a good grade in the Autism class? As for the Psychologist I know they can make an exception, but still I don't want to feel like they will reject me or not have the same rights as someone who has the 6 units...
The memories have been present but it has not been so bad. I am scared if I get seriously depressed like I did in April and again in June. It will be concerning if the memories increase again with the depression and on top of that have suicidal thoughts. ok whatever we will see what happens

As for now I am trying to stay busy and I been doing well. I have been staying busy cleaning this weekend and tomorrow I have off so I will continue to stay busy. As for work (my main nanny position) not sure what's going to happen she will go back to work Oct/November and she is telling me she might need me from 8am to sometimes 8pm that is not the schedule I was seeking and they know this. I am having anxiety about it because I did not say no and now she thinks I am okay with it because I did not speak up... I came home that day and thought about it and that's not going to work out. That is giving me anxiety but my husband told me we will worry about that when the time comes and not let it give me anxiety ... (easy for him to say he has no job) So she said we will talk about it some more later.

I can't wait for summer to be over! looking forward to Fall and Winter my favorite seasons.

1 comment :

  1. Great post, thanks for the shout out on the blog you like^
    xoxo Leanne