Monday, September 26, 2016

@ the Spring Preserve

Two weeks ago we went to the Springs Preserve here in Las Vegas and we happened to stumble upon a yoga convention. We found this tree with positive mantras. I took pictures of some of the ones I enjoyed reading. 
Every time you feel down just take a walk in the fresh air and you feel much better. Even better taking photographs of your adventures and what makes you happy!











                                                 








                                                 





Grace Vanderwaal Won! See I told ya!

Grace won the finals on Americas got Talent... I knew she would! Love that she writes her own material and her voice is unique. I think the way she carries herself too I think she was meant to be famous. She is so cheerful love that! 









I am not obsessed... really lol

I Have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome- PCOS

Last night I was asked if my husband and I have any children? when I replied "No" she asked why not? I replied "I can't have children" she then said oh no why is that? even with today's technology and medical advances? then just to avoid talking about my medical history I just told her we are adopting in a few years ... she continued talking. Working with children it's a very common question that I have been asked a million times so I should be used to it right? It used to really bother me when people asked but now I am just used to it and sometimes I do have to be open about my medical history in order for them to stop asking me about it. I do mind however and still get annoyed when women in society who do not have children are looked at if they are committing some kind of a sin because they are not bearing children (I blame the bible for this)... people automatically assume especially other women that you do not like children, that you choose not to have children, or that your a lesbian or something. It bothers me when people say "you don't have children you don't understand"- I been working with children for over seven years, have tons of trainings, and I might even have longer experience than you. Can you handle a room with 12 children by yourself? because I can. I am not a very confident person, but when it comes to working with children I am :)

I do not write too much on this topic but September is PCOS awareness month. I have PCOS. It took 15 years to get it diagnosed and doctors still do not know much on it or how to help you. When I went in the doctor laughed at me in a friendly way because I had self diagnosed and he ended up calling other doctors to help him diagnose me and he ended up saying I had PCOS.
Some of the symptoms of PCOS are being insulin resistant, cysts in ovaries (mine did not have any at the time), hair growth on the body, male pattern baldness, obesity, problems losing weight, infertility (main), menstruation problems (main), cancers, plus more and PCOS is connected with heart disease, depression, anxiety, diabetes, and other health conditions.

Some women are told right away they cannot have children and destroy the woman's hope of having any and some are told they need to have a hysterectomy. Women with PCOS can have children it's just a higher risk, and it takes longer to conceive but it is possible. All women are different and have different needs. For me conceiving has not been possible, but I am okay with that now; I have come to accept that. My husband is definitely okay with not having children and that's has made it easier to accept that so far I have not been able too.

I don't know how much of my PCOS is responsible for my anxiety and depression issues it's something I doubt I will ever know. I have other factors that might be partially responsible for my anxieties and depression, so it's hard to tell really.

Some links with information on PCOS

                                                                   Womens Health


Sunday, September 25, 2016

Self- Injury and Just Madness

Last week I self injured. The cuts itself was not so bad, the fact that I used a mini box opener razor my husband carries in his key chain as my tool was not so smart especially that it was not clean. I cleaned it but I don't think it was enough. The good thing is it was not as sharp... the bad part other then it being not so clean is that I locked my self in the bathroom and did it in the bath tub while taking a bath. New pattern for me when I get in my depressive state or when I am upset I head to the bathroom and lock it (which I never had too) and fill the tub with water. I just like to think, I cry, or just stare at the water. The last time I was in my depressive state in July I was in the bathtub thinking about drowning, and such things... I guess they would call that suicidal thoughts??? I trust myself so I am not worried at this time if I have these types of thoughts.

My husband told me that I go from level 3 of being mad and I jump to like a level 10 and once I am there I am impossible to talk too because I shut down. I do not think I jump to a level ten just like that... I do agree with the shutting down part, I have always struggled with that and this year it has become a major struggle once again. You know what though it's only him... I only get angry,upset, and he triggers me. I don't shut down on anyone else, I don't yell or get mad at anyone else... it's just him. I am sure that means something...

I tell him look it's hard enough to talk about my feelings, being open and authentic about what I am feeling, but when I do the effort to do so it fails because I feel he does not make the effort to understand me, dismisses it, or he does not compromise. When I do something wrong and I know I am at fault I apologize either right away or within the hour or so... he hardly ever does and I admit I hold grudges. You don't apologize I will not accept it the next day, I will think it's not an authentic apology if I harass you into apologizing. He has this habit that has become predictable where he shifts the blame into me when it's clearly his fault and that infuriates me. What's the point of trying? so can you blame me if I do go from a level 3 to a 10? haha I was telling him living here in Las Vegas has brought the worse in us we can't wait the get the f*** out of here now to pass my damn math courses!

Something I have notice from the mood diary that I have been filling out is that I am always fine at work which makes sense to me since It's what I look forward to everyday, then after work I drive home from the time I step out from work and into the car my mood changes and so does my day. I tend too zone out on my way home while driving either I just zone out or I started thinking... you know with my memories and such... that's how it starts.

My sister was in town and she is mad at me because I did not get together with her and the kids... she just will not understand even if I explained it. She has always cared only about her self so she is not capable of understanding. I love hosting my family or my husbands family, but this year I have gone out of my way to make sure I don't see my nephews or family and it's just out of my character. I love my nephews and I love to see my family but I have encouraged them not to come down to Vegas. My mom already wants to come to Thanks Giving in it will be like the third time they come for bird day  and I am not sure I can redirect her idea. I just don't want to deal with anyone, I don't want to see them, I don't want them to see anything wrong with me. I just feel that I am not a pleasant person to be around with this year. I know when I see them my personality changes authentic or not no one can tell a thing, but still inside I know what I am going through and it's just something I continue faking for how much long? I don't expect anyone to understand.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

New Smoke Blend and Zoning Out


It's 11:00 pm on Wed. night and I am trying my new smoke blend that I just ordered. I have been smoking my own blend on and off since I hit rock bottom in April. Like I have mentioned before I think smoking my homemade blend saved me; who knows what would have happened to me since I was in such a bad state. On my quest for illegal drugs (when I hit rock bottom... not sure what I was thinking) I found an alternative idea and got my information at Smokeable Herbs Link .

I been feeling good lately better than a week or so ago. I have filled out my Mood Diary Worksheet Click here for about three weeks and it is very interesting to go back and analyze the information and see the results in the chart. I wish I would have found it when I was in a depressive state... I would like to see the difference... but then again if I am in my depressive state I doubt I would be filling it out.

Although I been feeling good I sometimes feel numb on and off during the week(worse during the weekend) and sometimes I seemed zoned out. I zone out when driving only when I am by myself... or I have noticed that I have done it twice or so while sitting in the passenger seat. The other day we were driving around and I was in lala land and my husband taps my leg and says "snap out of it". I noticed a few weeks ago there was some changes at work and I got anxious while driving and the music I would listen too did not help so I started listening to positive affirmations while I drive to work and my anxiety stopped and also I notice I do not zone out while driving in the morning. I think the fact that I am repeating the affirmations keeps me busy and I am able to focus. I listen to regular music when I drive home and that's when I start to zone out. My mind gets busy just thinking the same thing over and over and I think that's what is causing me to zone out, but I am not sure. I zone out when were watching tv sometimes, or when I am suppose to be doing homework etc. Now that that I go back in time and think about it I had times where I felt like I was zoned out years back I wonder if it's the same thing?

Math is going good so far, work is good... overall good week and a half :)

Friday, September 9, 2016

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month/Week


The month of September is Suicide Prevention Awareness month. I have been writing about suicide, death and about what my thoughts have been like lately. My family does not know (my blog does) that I have been thinking these thoughts since the age of fifteen. In fact that's when I had planned my suicide to take place at school. Obviously I am still here and thankful that I am, but it has been a struggle since late last year and this year to not have certain thoughts. I have not been diagnosed with depression because I have not gone anywhere to be evaluated or diagnosed for it... but I know what I have been dealing with since the age of fifteen. It has only gotten worse lately and so have my "thoughts" I do not like using the word "suicidal" or "suicide" perhaps because of the stigma attached to such a word. 

I have kept secrets from my family and them not knowing that I have been thinking this way since I was in high school will be like a bomb was set off. Not sure what would happen if I tell them the reason why I think is behind it that would be opening a Pandora's Box

A few years ago my uncle was involved in a murder suicide. He was the one who commit it. He murdered his son and killed himself. No one in the family talks about it. When he was taken to a hospital and admitted when he was younger his wife took him out because they were embarrassed about it- or so that's what I have been told. No one talks about him, his son, or any mental illness he might have had. 
It's like he did not exist.

I think I am the only one in the family that feels:
what he has felt... I am the only one that has empathy for the state that he was in (I dare not tell anyone that)... not for murdering his son, but who am I too judge? If he would have gotten the help he needed maybe this would not have happened and his situation reminds me that I too need to take care of myself to avoid the same outcome.


I follow a group and blog and a week or so a go they asked what was our take was on being suicidal. My answer was posted on her blog and I am relief that I am not the only one that goes through the same struggle. here is the link to her post----> 8 people and their take on being suicidal my piece is almost at the bottom with the initials MZ.


I am surviving. My head still is above water. I am not planning on ever hurting myself or others. My thoughts well are just thoughts and I been having those on and off since I was a teen. I will take care of it by paying more attention to my mental health needs.

Suicide Prevention- Help Guide
NIMH Suicide Prevention

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Burning Mishap in the Kitchen

(our timer was white)

So this happened the other night. Our timer had a magnet on it and I did not know that. When I was prepping dinner it got stuck to the metal pan I used and I placed it in the oven and cooked it with batteries and all. We heard a pop and we went to the kitchen we did not see anything and when dinner was done I had smelled something and mentioned it to my husband but we did not bother looking inside oven. The next two days my husband and I blame each other for losing the timer that we use to make coffee in the morning... he said I tossed it... he texted me at work "I found the timer" so I get home and find this.