Friday, September 9, 2016

Math Frustrations




There has not been one day that I have not hyperventilated, shake, cried, gotten angry and agitated since I started my math course...  Math 95 again. I really hate it when people tell me "oh you just need more practice", "you just need a tutor", "you just need to dedicate more time".... "you just need to study more". I feel like exploding every time someone says something like that, no one understands my freaking struggle with math yet alone my life. 

My husband has been helping me <---- he is my tutor I feel he is the only one that has the patience and knows my math struggles. I stay up late doing homework and testing. I study EVERYDAY... I do homework EVERYDAY... I do hours and hours of homework. I do my work. Takes me forever to get my homework done. It's hard. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed by looking at a problem because all the numbers and symbols jump at me so quick and I get the feeling that I cannot formulate it. When I got an F in Math 95 I was taking almost a full semester but I spent more time on my math homework and studying for math than any other course and look what happened- It feels hopeless sometimes you know?

I was diagnosed with severe dyscalculia (it's like dyslexia but for math) but my college refuse to take it because the diagnostician was in another state and things did not look like the typical cookie cutter style and format. I know she is legit and she helped me a lot, she herself has dyscalculia and that's why she dedicated herself to studying and working about this learning disorder. So I made a mistake and I am paying for it. When the school denied it I felt my depression reach a new level. I began to feel stupid again if they denied it I must not have an issue right? so I am just stupid. Sure I can try to get another diagnosis but for what? what if that leads me to more depression? what if they do not take that diagnosis either and continue giving me a hard time? this whole shit is a long story. I am currently getting accommodations for the Social Anxiety that the Psychologist at school diagnosed me with. Even though I am not happy about the decision they made I am grateful that I have some type of accommodations.


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