Sunday, September 25, 2016

Self- Injury and Just Madness

Last week I self injured. The cuts itself was not so bad, the fact that I used a mini box opener razor my husband carries in his key chain as my tool was not so smart especially that it was not clean. I cleaned it but I don't think it was enough. The good thing is it was not as sharp... the bad part other then it being not so clean is that I locked my self in the bathroom and did it in the bath tub while taking a bath. New pattern for me when I get in my depressive state or when I am upset I head to the bathroom and lock it (which I never had too) and fill the tub with water. I just like to think, I cry, or just stare at the water. The last time I was in my depressive state in July I was in the bathtub thinking about drowning, and such things... I guess they would call that suicidal thoughts??? I trust myself so I am not worried at this time if I have these types of thoughts.

My husband told me that I go from level 3 of being mad and I jump to like a level 10 and once I am there I am impossible to talk too because I shut down. I do not think I jump to a level ten just like that... I do agree with the shutting down part, I have always struggled with that and this year it has become a major struggle once again. You know what though it's only him... I only get angry,upset, and he triggers me. I don't shut down on anyone else, I don't yell or get mad at anyone else... it's just him. I am sure that means something...

I tell him look it's hard enough to talk about my feelings, being open and authentic about what I am feeling, but when I do the effort to do so it fails because I feel he does not make the effort to understand me, dismisses it, or he does not compromise. When I do something wrong and I know I am at fault I apologize either right away or within the hour or so... he hardly ever does and I admit I hold grudges. You don't apologize I will not accept it the next day, I will think it's not an authentic apology if I harass you into apologizing. He has this habit that has become predictable where he shifts the blame into me when it's clearly his fault and that infuriates me. What's the point of trying? so can you blame me if I do go from a level 3 to a 10? haha I was telling him living here in Las Vegas has brought the worse in us we can't wait the get the f*** out of here now to pass my damn math courses!

Something I have notice from the mood diary that I have been filling out is that I am always fine at work which makes sense to me since It's what I look forward to everyday, then after work I drive home from the time I step out from work and into the car my mood changes and so does my day. I tend too zone out on my way home while driving either I just zone out or I started thinking... you know with my memories and such... that's how it starts.

My sister was in town and she is mad at me because I did not get together with her and the kids... she just will not understand even if I explained it. She has always cared only about her self so she is not capable of understanding. I love hosting my family or my husbands family, but this year I have gone out of my way to make sure I don't see my nephews or family and it's just out of my character. I love my nephews and I love to see my family but I have encouraged them not to come down to Vegas. My mom already wants to come to Thanks Giving in it will be like the third time they come for bird day  and I am not sure I can redirect her idea. I just don't want to deal with anyone, I don't want to see them, I don't want them to see anything wrong with me. I just feel that I am not a pleasant person to be around with this year. I know when I see them my personality changes authentic or not no one can tell a thing, but still inside I know what I am going through and it's just something I continue faking for how much long? I don't expect anyone to understand.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. 

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