Friday, September 9, 2016

Suicide Prevention Awareness Month/Week

The month of September is Suicide Prevention Awareness month. I have been writing about suicide, death and about what my thoughts have been like lately. My family does not know (my blog does) that I have been thinking these thoughts since the age of fifteen. In fact that's when I had planned my suicide to take place at school. Obviously I am still here and thankful that I am, but it has been a struggle since late last year and this year to not have certain thoughts. I have not been diagnosed with depression because I have not gone anywhere to be evaluated or diagnosed for it... but I know what I have been dealing with since the age of fifteen. It has only gotten worse lately and so have my "thoughts" I do not like using the word "suicidal" or "suicide" perhaps because of the stigma attached to such a word. 

I have kept secrets from my family and them not knowing that I have been thinking this way since I was in high school will be like a bomb was set off. Not sure what would happen if I tell them the reason why I think is behind it that would be opening a Pandora's Box

A few years ago my uncle was involved in a murder suicide. He was the one who commit it. He murdered his son and killed himself. No one in the family talks about it. When he was taken to a hospital and admitted when he was younger his wife took him out because they were embarrassed about it- or so that's what I have been told. No one talks about him, his son, or any mental illness he might have had. 
It's like he did not exist.

I think I am the only one in the family that feels:
what he has felt... I am the only one that has empathy for the state that he was in (I dare not tell anyone that)... not for murdering his son, but who am I too judge? If he would have gotten the help he needed maybe this would not have happened and his situation reminds me that I too need to take care of myself to avoid the same outcome.

I follow a group and blog and a week or so a go they asked what was our take was on being suicidal. My answer was posted on her blog and I am relief that I am not the only one that goes through the same struggle. here is the link to her post----> 8 people and their take on being suicidal my piece is almost at the bottom with the initials MZ.

I am surviving. My head still is above water. I am not planning on ever hurting myself or others. My thoughts well are just thoughts and I been having those on and off since I was a teen. I will take care of it by paying more attention to my mental health needs.

Suicide Prevention- Help Guide
NIMH Suicide Prevention

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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