Saturday, October 29, 2016

My Tea Bag Wise Words

I Voted!

I really dislike talking about my political views on Facebook like everyone else does, I hate to see arguments and talking about it in general. One of my bosses last year asked me what party I was and then it started opening up one sided conversations... even though I told her I do not talk about voting she still kept bringing it up. So far this year she has not talk to me about it because I just smile at her and not contribute to the conversation.

I decided to go vote EARLY for the first time! I was annoyed by the voting text messages and calls I been receiving and frankly thinking about the elections made me bitter and annoyed so I just decided to get it done early and I am glad I did! I was happy it was done and I am glad I even voted despite of what I had said earlier about not wanting to vote this time.

What a cute sticker... I like living in Vegas for once haha

Friday, October 21, 2016

Craig Ranch Regional Park

 Some pictures from a few weeks ago. We went to a park that I drove by after going to house sit in North Las Vegas. Did not even know about it until I drove past it and then I went with my husband one weekend. The park is pretty big, lots of playgrounds for the kiddos, and overall a nice place to take a stroll. I will probably take my parents when they come back to Las Vegas to visit.

Writing and Healing

Writing has been my outlet where I have felt free to unleash the burdens of my past and my struggles of my everyday life. It is hard to express what I feel... spoken words seem impossible at times and even overwhelming; some understand others do not.
The burdens lifted from my chest and mind makes me want to fly. I feel free just like I imagine a bird feels at mid-flight. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to soar after typing a few words.
My words, grammar, my thoughts might not be perfect or I might not have a pretty and clean blog, but it is mine. A spot that I can go to and express my opinions, struggles, achievements, and about life in general.

I been writing in diaries and blogging on and off all my life. Due to some traumas, tribulations and trials life became difficult to bear at times and writing seemed to help keep me afloat for many years. When life seemed to get better for me I stop writing, and for years I had lost interest in doing so. April of this year I felt like I had hit rock bottom and once again I have come to rely on my good friend-my blog and that's perfectly fine. At times we need to find a glimmer of hope, find something that we like to enjoy and blogging, taking nature photographs, and loving my pets are those things that help with my healing.

This article was also posted on Stuck with me Now

Monday, October 17, 2016

Zoning Out Update

I am still zoning out here and has become an annoyance especially when I am trying to study or trying to do math homework... and maybe while driving too. It happens during different times actually... when watching movies or television, while driving alone, while listening to specific music(I can't listen to certain stuff anymore, like the music I have here on my blog because it triggers me), it has happened this year a few times after being intimate, and when I am on the computer I can read something or see something and it triggers my memories. I am pretty sure it's all connected ... memories=depression, zoning out =the need to self medicate or self-harm. Am I right?

I have not felt as numb as I used too so I guess that's a positive right? When I think about my memories and such I feel very small... does that mean I am going back to the ages I used to be when I had my traumas?- I know you have no idea what I am talking about because I have not explain that part of my life ...yet, I have hope that one day I can just acknowledge it and move forward.

I still have not made the appointment to see the Psychologist at school yet...I don't know what is stopping me from doing so.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Math update for Oct

I have not had the need and urge to write my emotions out so that is a good thing right? I took my midterm math exam I received a high C it's not exactly  the grade I wanted BUT I will take it and run with it! Last time I took my math course I failed the midterm so I will take the C. The reason I think I am doing well is the fact that we have quizzes every other week which helps me with needing to know the material in smaller chunks, she gives us a second chance to take the quizzes and they are not timed. The exams I take at home can be taken once, are timed, but because I am using the services of the DRC (Disability Resource Center) I get extended time. The good thing about online courses is you can use your notes, but I think they make the course harder because of it. I have three proctored exams that I need to ho to campus to take. These are the exams I worry about since I can't use notes and I can't remember the steps I need to get a answer, and the first exam I took I was shaking, it took me a while to use my breathing techniques to stop shaking and never got fully comfortable. I did like that it is only me in the room taking the test it really helped. What stinks is that I work and I have to rush to school to take the exam which is on Fridays (that's the days she wants us to take it) and the DRC closes at 5 on Fridays that means I do not get the full extended time. So far I been getting really high scores for the quizzes and exams taken at home I am very excited at the possibility of passing this course! I dropped the other course I was thinking of getting because I did not need it and to me passing the math course is my top priority right now. Having just the math course has helped me focus more on homework and study time.

If all goes well I will have one course left needed to graduate (math course) which of course I am getting anxiety already about next Semester. The professor I have now does not teach the math I need to take next semester and not all teachers do weekly quizzes or test they just based your grade mostly on two exams which is a big concern to me.

When the DRC refuse to take my Dyscalculia (math disorder) diagnosis they gave me a sheet of locations that might test for Dyscalculia and I been thinking of doing the whole damn testing again. At first I was really angry and my attitude was like go f*** yourself and just gave up. Now I am considering the option of testing before I finish school and move. Not sure if I want to do it more because I will need it later or because I want to say see I f****** told you so. I don't know if I want to give myself that extra tension and stress especially that I am doing better and not been depressed recently. Its a lot to think about.

Saturday, October 1, 2016

My Sad Weekend

Have had two crappy days- just feel empty, numb, depressed-not sure if I am depressed again or just feeling that way, I am cranky, I been crying, I been having urges to self-injure... I just feel crappy and not sure what triggered it... might be that I live online most of the time. I know that contributes to depression and such. My husband did not help either he finally snap at me in the car because he had it with me today... I understand I don't know who has enough patience to put up with me when I am like this really and he had just had enough. He yelled at me and I started crying and shaking. I can tell he felt bad, I am not saying I deserve it, but this is the second time he has done that where I have notice that it helps me snap out of it and realize he too has feelings and is not a robot like I think he is (sometimes). In my defense I did warn him as soon as I woke up that I felt depressed, and that I was not feeling well.

I been filling out my charts for SI thoughts, and my mood diary. I really wish I would have thought filling these out when I was depressed. I been depressed almost the whole year it feels like that I could just imagine the content.
I was in my bed in the dark, with all my blankets on top of me and I realized that I was pinching my arm when I was thinking-memories and such. I have to do something about it or I will never be fully okay. I feel I have to tell someone not sure that these format is the right way to go because I am afraid my family will one day run into this blog. I am thinking of making an appointment with the psychologist at school but I am not sure yet... I am hesitant to do so. I am scared that he would not let me leave if he finds out about my s. thoughts even though it has not been recent same with my self-injuries... what if he makes me go to the hospital? I'm not doing that. I am also scared when I talk about what I think is causing everything to go downhill-my memories that I would not be able to handle my emotions. "What if" it makes things worse? can things get any worse-really?
Not really looking forward for tomorrow-Sunday.
Self-care what can I do? I am thinking of going back to the gym... I am still paying for it. I can resume yoga- not sure why I am not consistent with any self-care routines... I know it helps yet I can't keep up with anything and I end up depressed more often. I want to resume yoga. I don't know if I mentioned I am doing positive affirmations in the morning on my way to work and also a Buddhist chant and it has help tremendously. I should be doing it on my way home since that's when I start to go somewhere else in my mind.-We shall see

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.