Saturday, October 1, 2016

My Sad Weekend

Have had two crappy days- just feel empty, numb, depressed-not sure if I am depressed again or just feeling that way, I am cranky, I been crying, I been having urges to self-injure... I just feel crappy and not sure what triggered it... might be that I live online most of the time. I know that contributes to depression and such. My husband did not help either he finally snap at me in the car because he had it with me today... I understand I don't know who has enough patience to put up with me when I am like this really and he had just had enough. He yelled at me and I started crying and shaking. I can tell he felt bad, I am not saying I deserve it, but this is the second time he has done that where I have notice that it helps me snap out of it and realize he too has feelings and is not a robot like I think he is (sometimes). In my defense I did warn him as soon as I woke up that I felt depressed, and that I was not feeling well.

I been filling out my charts for SI thoughts, and my mood diary. I really wish I would have thought filling these out when I was depressed. I been depressed almost the whole year it feels like that I could just imagine the content.
I was in my bed in the dark, with all my blankets on top of me and I realized that I was pinching my arm when I was thinking-memories and such. I have to do something about it or I will never be fully okay. I feel I have to tell someone not sure that these format is the right way to go because I am afraid my family will one day run into this blog. I am thinking of making an appointment with the psychologist at school but I am not sure yet... I am hesitant to do so. I am scared that he would not let me leave if he finds out about my s. thoughts even though it has not been recent same with my self-injuries... what if he makes me go to the hospital? I'm not doing that. I am also scared when I talk about what I think is causing everything to go downhill-my memories that I would not be able to handle my emotions. "What if" it makes things worse? can things get any worse-really?
Not really looking forward for tomorrow-Sunday.
Self-care what can I do? I am thinking of going back to the gym... I am still paying for it. I can resume yoga- not sure why I am not consistent with any self-care routines... I know it helps yet I can't keep up with anything and I end up depressed more often. I want to resume yoga. I don't know if I mentioned I am doing positive affirmations in the morning on my way to work and also a Buddhist chant and it has help tremendously. I should be doing it on my way home since that's when I start to go somewhere else in my mind.-We shall see

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world. 

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