Saturday, November 5, 2016

Red Rock Canyon Morning Hike

These photographs are from last weeks hike at Red Rock Canyon. It was a blast we actually finished the hike for once. It was relaxing to get some stress out. What do you think of a dragon fly tattoo? that just impulsively entered my mind... I been always attracted to butterfly's (and them to me) because I think they're reincarnated love ones.... I know what your thinking, but anyways and now I am obsessing over dragonfly's.
For the first time someone stopped me at the end of our hike heading to the car and asked about my tattoo. They wanted to know if that was a watercolor tattoo and where did I get it from and she said it was a very nice tattoo. I have gotten a few looks but this is the first time I get stopped over it. It felt good talking about it actually :)
Enjoy my photographs

Taken with an iphone5 .... anyone one want to buy me a new iphone?

Living with an Upside Down Smile

For a long time ever since I remember I would always place my self last if at all. I always cared more about other people's feelings and emotions. I admit I have not taken care of myself in what seems like forever. All my former co-workers, classmates and who ever made contact with me for some time always believed I was this happy and well adjusted person. They never got to see the authenticity of my true emotions, feelings, and thoughts. 

Using the smile as a front to hide your sadness, depression, your thoughts and feelings does not make you a fake person. I am real, raw, and if you truly sit with me and talk to me I can let you in but it takes time for me to trust and not feel so vulnerable.

My family, former co-workers, people in general and even my husband have seen the pretty plastered smile I always had, the one they said welcomed them every morning and made them happy. Yet they had no clue that pretty smile was an upside down frown in the inside. 
Outside of my work I am having a hard time smiling at all now. I think all those years pretending to  be a Happy person has caught up to me emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Now I worry about not being able to do what I did best-smiling for others... in fact I walk around with no expression at times and when I do smile I do not know anymore if it's authentic or if I am truly happy or not. I don't know.

Even as a child I did not want to be a burden, and as teenager I felt like a burden all the way to a young adult. I think as a child you should not be worried about such things-but I did. 

I felt broken and damaged ever since I was a kid and worse it got as a teenager and today I feel just the same. I think some trauma I secretly faced as a child and again as a teenager is responsible for it and sadly it still remains today- In fact it might have gotten worse

I feel no one would understand why I feel certain ways about life, why I kept quiet, my suicide planning at 15, and my suicide thoughts that I have had on and off through out my life and recently as this year. I am responsible for the lack of care and love for myself.

It's not too late. I can still make it through. 
Because I am a

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016

November Update

Wow it's November already! where has time gone? I am glad that this year is flying is passing quickly because it has been a rough one for me. I been contemplating calling for an appointment to see the psychologist at school for months now... and today I decided to call right after work. I parked at a park near my job and I was very anxious so I was taking a few breaths to relax myself and after 10 minutes I decided to call and guess what? no one answered and a machine did...sigh all that anxiety for nothing. I had the option to leave a message, but I just hung up. Maybe they were out for lunch? I understand that they need to make a quick assessment , but do they not realize how hard is for people to call in for anything mental health related? If there was an online option I would have made an appointment months ago. -That's life I guess.
**Update: I called back today and again it was a waste of time and anxiety for me. They did not let me make an appointment because I did not have the required 6 units. I was told by the DRC that I can still get an appointment because I am registered with the DRC and they make exemptions same with when your almost finished- this was when I went to my intake appointment for services... she also told me when your almost finished almost graduating and you don't need the 6 credits. When I told the lady on the phone about this she said "I haven't heard about that" and she asked who ever was next to her if she had heard of that and she also said no. See another reason to dislike this school and just verifies my belief that this school does not care about it's students. Someone lied... it also seems they forget who they serve... we the students and we pay for it's not like it's free. If the students did not pay tuition and in some cases extra for excess credit just like myself then half these people would not have a job... and also the Psychologist wouldn't have anyone to see if the students did not have any issues! They did ask me if I wanted her to email me community resources and I said no.

Despite my lack of focus and concentration issues I am doing surprisingly well in my math course. I am a little stressed about my second test on campus because I feel less confident in knowing the material and I got a C last time even after I felt confident. The good news is all the test and quizzes I have taken at home I have done pretty well even a few 100% . I am stressing about next semesters math course which reminds me I have to register for. I been having a hard time concentrating and focusing at times I can't even focus for ten minutes or more. At times when I do focus I take advantage of it and I sacrifice sleep, I drink too much caffeine in one case I think I got sick because of it, and or smoke to keep myself awake to study and to be able to focus. I have to pass the course and I am hoping I do not need to repeat next semester math course a dozen times before I pass! My husband and I are looking forward to moving especially since he is still unemployed. Failing and dropping my math courses has set us behind and of course I feel guilty about it.

I been opening up a little bit this year regarding my blog writing and contributing to other blogs and  this week my article I wrote was published on The Mighty
What Isolating in Depression Made Me Realize About My friends

Work is going well the main family I work for are moving to another part of Summerlin so I will be working at a new house soon. They will move to the same neighborhood as my other nanny position... small world.

My family -meaning my parents and my two aunts are coming over for Thanksgiving despite my efforts to keep my family away this whole year(and refusing to see my nephews and my sister this Sept) I think it will be good for me. It's one of my favorite days and I have been hosting my parents and aunts for like three-four years now and they also invited themselves before I had a chance to look for an excuse for them not to come. I think it will be selfish of me to continue dodging their potential visits. Once they are here I know I will be happy.- Authentically happy.