Saturday, November 5, 2016

Living with an Upside Down Smile

For a long time ever since I remember I would always place my self last if at all. I always cared more about other people's feelings and emotions. I admit I have not taken care of myself in what seems like forever. All my former co-workers, classmates and who ever made contact with me for some time always believed I was this happy and well adjusted person. They never got to see the authenticity of my true emotions, feelings, and thoughts. 

Using the smile as a front to hide your sadness, depression, your thoughts and feelings does not make you a fake person. I am real, raw, and if you truly sit with me and talk to me I can let you in but it takes time for me to trust and not feel so vulnerable.

My family, former co-workers, people in general and even my husband have seen the pretty plastered smile I always had, the one they said welcomed them every morning and made them happy. Yet they had no clue that pretty smile was an upside down frown in the inside. 
Outside of my work I am having a hard time smiling at all now. I think all those years pretending to  be a Happy person has caught up to me emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Now I worry about not being able to do what I did best-smiling for others... in fact I walk around with no expression at times and when I do smile I do not know anymore if it's authentic or if I am truly happy or not. I don't know.

Even as a child I did not want to be a burden, and as teenager I felt like a burden all the way to a young adult. I think as a child you should not be worried about such things-but I did. 

I felt broken and damaged ever since I was a kid and worse it got as a teenager and today I feel just the same. I think some trauma I secretly faced as a child and again as a teenager is responsible for it and sadly it still remains today- In fact it might have gotten worse

I feel no one would understand why I feel certain ways about life, why I kept quiet, my suicide planning at 15, and my suicide thoughts that I have had on and off through out my life and recently as this year. I am responsible for the lack of care and love for myself.

It's not too late. I can still make it through. 
Because I am a

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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