Thursday, June 15, 2017

On our walk the other day...

Flustered Therapy

Yesterday was therapy day, but I felt like I kinda shut down before I got there because I felt flustered and anxious. Yesterday morning I woke up in pain... my body just has been hurting, I got up later than I do when I go to therapy so I did not do anything to help me relax before my session. I did breakfast then I started running late, while getting ready to leave I banged my knee on the dinning room table really hard, while I was driving I felt sick, I almost drove past the freeway exit going to therapy, and normally I go to the restroom before my session, but I could not or I would have been late; I hate running late. Sorry for the rant but that's how I felt in the morning; by the time I sat in my therapist couch I felt flustered and anxious.

I had two really good weeks despite feeling a little jumpy last week, then yesterday I woke up feeling crappy and had a nutty morning and I been feeling sad??? I can't identify why exactly. It could be because I start new job next week and I have to leave some of my older jobs, it could be because my therapist asked me to identify and write down some of my negative thinking and words and the list I made wow it's not good- looking at it kinda makes me feel hopeless, or the financial situation at home and I am at risk of not getting my puppy. It can be all three I don't know.

My therapist will be out this Sat which is my usual time I go to my appointment. I set up one right away for Monday night and again in the same week for Saturday morning. I have had a good week with my new job, I have lunch with a friend tomorrow, and everything seems to be going okay this week!

Monday, June 5, 2017

Coloring Addiction

I bought two more coloring books recently the one titled "You are Amazing" is from Target. The book titled "Just Breathe" at Walmart for half the price the one above cost me and just as cute! Love them both. I was getting bored with the coloring book I had at home. ( I get bored easily). I also bought my self some new coloring pencils @Walmart. I was looking for a set that had a bigger shades of the same color. 

Haha I have a lot of these sheets that say good thing about "friends" my therapist would love to see these ... maybe the message would rub off on me. 
I think I have a coloring addiction :) which is good... it's a good coping skill for stress and good for distraction.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

June LiFe Update

Therapy is going well in my opinion. I been opening up about my trauma something I thought I would never do. I wish I would have done it long ago and maybe I would not be so screwed up today. Should have, could have ... whatever; I am doing it now and I am keeping my promise that I made for myself at the beginning of the year. So far I think I have been keeping it ... I go up and down with my emotions, feelings and progress sort of like a roller coaster. Like my therapist says it's a process and I am allowed to have bad days and it's OK if I do. Starting to talk about my trauma is such a breakthrough for me. The fact that I am able to trust someone else with my secrets it's amazing! there is hope at the bottom of the Pandora Box.

As for school ... I am done paying for my math courses. My mother wants me to finish college so does the rest of the family despite so much issues I have with my math learning disorder that she will pay for me to retake this math course once again. I am getting tired and hopeless regarding school. Class starts in September and I will attempt it again; If I can't pass it this time I will have to sit down and reevaluate everything.

Money has been tight we have not been able to catch up yet since my husband finally got new employment . One of main families I work for told me that they were not going to need me for the summer and that she would not stand in my way (because it the past she did) and that I can find other employment and gave me like less than a two weeks notice. Well it was like 2 weeks but then they had a family emergency and had to fly our of town and there went my second week. I went ahead and found another employment in last than two weeks and applied got hired and now she's asking me how many hours I will be working at my new employment? , if I will have one day off? etc I do not want to work with them anymore what's the point of coming in once a week? and the other main family I gave them a notice too because I will not be able to work for them anymore is too little hours and I needed to find something that replaced both and go to one place. Well it kinda backfired on me because they both would like to keep sort of working with them other than date nannying. I do feel bad leaving the kids that's why I am conflicted about the whole thing but I don't know yet what my plans are. I should just leave it simple two other families date night only and my new job is the new main family and that's that, why make things complicated? So going to Therapy once a week like I am doing now was in jeopardy because I thought I was going to be unemployed for a while. I did well doing what I needed to do. Honestly if I was not coming to therapy I probably would have taken my sweet time looking for a job. Therapy for me now is essential and one of my top priorities. Not sure if I would be able to accomplish my promise without therapy and the help of my therapist.

My husband and I went to a BBQ for Memorial Day Week and it was good to go, hard to mingle, but it was nice that we were able to go.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Disappointed in my Self

I woke up this morning feeling sad... I don't know why just residual stuff I guess. It was just recycled emotions I went between crying, and being thoughtful, and feeling sorry for myself. I feel disappointed with myself. I just don't feel happy; just when I started feeling happiness back in my life I allow little things to knock me down. What the fuck is wrong with me? this is not how I wanted my life to be. I have therapy tomorrow and I just want to bail on it, but I know my husband won't let me do that because I will still have to pay for it. I texted my therapist and told him that I did not want to go which was good because it took me out of that mind frame. Eventually I got up at 1pm and put on some exercise clothes and came down stairs made two cups of coffee and made a whole bowl of popcorn for brunch <---- yah that just happened. Actually wanted to go out and have all sort of junk food... I did not good thing. I did have my husband buy me some chocolate just because I showed up with treats :) . Instead of eating my self to happiness I decided to smoked my smoking blend twice, listened to music, played with my sensory lavender thing, and blogging and I probably do walking or some sort of physical activity because we have not been walking or I have not done kick boxing since I got sick or a little before that and I love boxing it helps me because I feel it has an immediate effect.

Yesterday I woke up screaming I have no idea why I didn't seem to have a nightmare... but I don't know because sometimes I don't remember. My husband said he asked what was wrong twice I didn't immediately answer and he thinks I said something about a cord. I had fallen asleep listening to Passive Muscle Relaxation you tube video using my cord earphones and maybe I freaked out when I felt the cord??? my husband said jokingly that I was probably strangling myself with it and freaked out.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Just Not Feeling Well

This morning I felt sad... and I can't identify why. I just woke up that way? I been having good days this week and some of last week, but I have also been having those moments where I just cry, feel numb or empty I am not sure which. This morning I did not want to get up and while getting ready I felt sad and I was crying, but trying to be discrete. At some point a thought came over me regarding self-injury; it was not that bad in my opinion and I am not trying to minimize the issue, but it really was not that bad I thought about it and I said no I can't I have to go to work soon and I got out of the bathroom. I have not self-injured in months and I honestly did not think that I would self-injure again, but thinking about it just happened. I did have to work so getting out of the bathroom was outmost importance. The bathroom has been the area where I have used in the past the most to self-injure and I still have some hidden tools-well not so much anymore I told my husband like a month ago that they were in there and I had said I would throw them away, but I have not ...I will get to it eventually.

I wrote down a few triggers that I am assuming one or more can be responsible and sent it to my therapist. The fact that I had to go to work freaked me out a little because I haven't been like that in the mornings or before going to work, and honestly I rather call and say I am sick... , but I was able to finally compose my self and I was fine. I am pet sitting this week for a few days so I am hoping that helps my mood a bit.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Nature while Walking

Monday, May 15, 2017

Art Therapy

I been on a coloring craze lately, but I need another book because I am getting bored. A few weeks ago I made this humming bird with watercolors. I need more practice with watercolors, but I had fun making it. I was having a hard morning that day and decided to go into the garage and dig out stuff and found my pastels, my paintbrushes and my watercolors.

I might have had a little too much fun :)

Saturday, May 13, 2017

I Climbed the Mountain!

In April I went to climb a mountain at a park called "Lone Mountain" and let me tell you it's no freaking mountain... not to me it's just a giant steep rock! My husband and I usually walk at the park we always look towards the top of the rock and see people walking up there. When I look up at the mountain I always say "look at those crazy people" "how do they get up there?" "they are going to die" a former co-worker posted a picture on Instagram of her on top of this rock and I mentioned I was surprised she went up there and she answered back lets go! akkk what did I get my self into? I immediately told her I was out of shape, but she insisted and I said okay. I got anxiety the day before going and I did not want to go honestly, but it was okay we had to reschedule and I went the following week.

Actually I blame my therapist, because he pushed me to follow through and go on this hike with my former co-worker because he is encouraging to go and do things with "friends" or form that relationship... basically I need them as a support system (I am still debating that), but anyways we went and I am so glad I did! I can't believe I actually made it all the way to the top too :)

              The memorial of a man who died from a heart attack while climbing the mountain.
                                  I can't believe I did that! and I am afraid of heights you all
                                       Love these wild flowers :) flowers make me happy
Coming down the mountain I slipped and fell, but it was hilarious. My former co-worker was asking about my therapist so I started telling her that he helps me think outside of the box, and I told her how he is encouraging me to built a support system by talking to my friends and such and she said he gives you a push and I'm like yeah and she said you want me to push you? and she said it looking down the mountain and I soon as I said no I started to slip on the small rocks (gravel like) and fell backwards on my butt and to stop my self from continuing to slip I put my hands back and on the ground and that's when it hurt never mind falling on my ass! it hurt because the rocks underneath my hands were sharp and small and they stuck to my hands as I slipped. It happened so fast my former co-worker had previously held my hand at certain points but she couldn't at this moment, but she helped me up and we both started laughing, I thought it was funny because of what we were talking about right at that moment and I seriously think I jinxed myself. I had a great time and I did something I thought was impossible.

Friday, May 12, 2017

It's Been a Year ... A letter to My Dead Dog

Hey Charlie Bean! your paw prints with ink are still outside where you left them even though I tried scrubbing them away they still remain, but what's cooler is that I have seen paw prints a few times since you left in random places... is that your way of talking to me?

It's been a year how time goes so fast! I was not in the best place in my life when I got your diagnosis and to be honest adding that to the list of things going on in my life almost sent me away to my grave too! even though I tried to be brave for you in your last month here you still could sense when I was upset and you always comfort me and let me know you loved me by licking my tears, being there to physically hug, and just being silly just at the right moment.

Thank you for being the best dog ever! my best and only friend! I will always cherish the awesome memories I have of you and thank you!

                                                           I Love You Always

Life Update

It's me again... I been MIA I know.

I renewed my domain I was not sure if I was going to because when I look at my blog I see the past and I don't like to read about how suicidal I was, seeing or reading about my self-injuries and whatever else I wrote about once I was out from my crises. I could imagine what my blog would say if I would have written during my crises or what I call rock bottom. Now that I look back I am surprised that I have never been hospitalized or that I am even breathing. I know that sounds dark, but I am in a better place now and hopefully I do not go back on that road again, but if I do I am hoping I can come out without much damage and deal with issues in a more positive way.

I say in a more positive way because since the middle of February I been seeing a therapist and I have learned how to apply coping skills/self -care in my life more routinely, I am starting to talk about issues or feelings that I normally don't talk about, and he kind of serves like an outlet like what my blog is suppose to be serving me for... but with a therapist as opposed to a blog can help me make better choices, see things from a different perspective, help me think outside the box, they can help you feel unstuck, sometimes when you tell others your views or what not they don't tell you how it is because they are afraid to tell you the opposite of what you think... yeah I don't think a therapist holds back too much they can tell you how it is and scold you if they need to haha. I feel so much better after my session even if it's a rough one; I always make sure I say thank you after my session because I am thankful no matter what goes on in that session.

As for school I am giving my course one more try and then I think I am done . I went ahead and withdrew from my math course on the day of the deadline because I felt I was going to fail it. I cannot emotionally handle another bad grade or my gpa lowering any more. I also feel guilty that we have not moved yet (and I am the one that wants to get the hell out of here the most) because I am here trying to pass a freaking course that I will probably never pass and wasting money, time and stressing out more over it. It's depressing and I feel like a failure in my life in general because of it. I will never be completely happy and satisfied with my life if I do make the decision to bail out on college and whatever plans I had for after... it may temporarily be a relief and we get to move, but I would never get over my decision especially because I am so close! oh so close just two math courses and that is it for community college! we shall see

Family Visit
My sister and her family visit in July and so does my parents. My sister warned me a few months ago that they are coming because she wants me to see the kids and not give her excuses and I am ready to spend much needed time with them. As for my parents I am always happy to see them were a happy family when they come over however before they come my anxiety increases and same when they are here. I am freaking out about my weight so I have to go back on my diet and see if I can lose a few pounds before they arrive just because... and prepare my self for the dreaded education talk... "education talk" must be as stressful as the birds and the bees talk for those have it (I never did by the way). The good thing is that they are not staying with me this time so I hopefully will be less stressed about doing everything perfect.

Work is same o same o. I love being a nanny it's my purpose in my life. I would be in a far worse state if I did not to what I do and loved it. My husband has employed for a few months now and although he still doing IT stuff the retail side and managing others is new to him so he is gaining experience there we don't like that he is getting paid half of what he used to make and he is doing more work. Also he is also not getting benefits ; every time he had benefits we took it for granted and we hardly ever used it, but now that he does not have any it can be a little scary. He is looking for another employment and that is scary for me. I don't want him ending up again without a job because I will assume the worst and think that he will be without a job for a very long time again and not sure we would be able to survive that.

Were not in the best spot financially for a dog... but ever since my dog Charlie Bean died I been longing for another dog. I have felt in the past that I can't live without a dog and even though I felt this way last year too this year it seems less truthful because I am still alive and I can still live without a dog... and last year when I would say it -and I said it a lot I felt I meant it this year not so much but I still believe it. My husband knows how I feel and he also misses having a dog even though he is a total cat person he understands that I feel I need a dog. Were saving up for my puppy and we will be getting a Golden Doodle and can't wait! I am on two waiting list for a Standard F1 Golden Doodle and so far the couple that we are first on the list have mated but we shall see what happens- How exciting!!

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Breakthrough in Therapy

Therapy day was on Thursday... This time I had a great day in the morning, afternoon, and I was excited to go to therapy in such a good mood but I have been stressed about my math course and when I got down to it and I to deal with that and to say it it was a freaking disaster. I cried on and off all day and when my husband came home he has been crabby and just makes things worse. We were doing so good too for two weeks or so without arguing and I thought him working was great and we will even get along better but not so much these couple of days. He also tutor me the other day and he was making feel like a burden. I have been feeling like that these couple of days.

When I went to therapy it was good session, even though I couldn't do one of the exercise he wanted me to try I was able to talk about something that has been bugging me for a long time and I have never been able to talk about. It was hard for me to talk about it but I was able to do that and I did not feel immediately good but I did afterwards. Talking about how my evening went, the test and math course, and the stuff I opened up about (my dad) made me feel a little less stressed. :). So even though I did not do a complete exercise, I kept putting my notepad in front of my face, and folded a piece of paper back and forth through almost the whole session I see it as a successful session and a breakthrough.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Therapy Appointment Update

I went to my therapy appointment yesterday night and I am happy to say that it was not as bad as I thought... well not yet :) I am finally making the steps to love myself part of loving myself and getting healthy in all aspects of my life is part of my promise that I made myself at the beginning of the year. Yes that includes therapy... something that I have been fighting since my teens.

My husband did not let me drive to my appointment... I don't think he thinks I will be stable enough to drive safely after a therapy appointment or if I am to anxious before an appointment... he is right even though I was smiling after the appointment I can get pretty emotional. He did sit in the dark parking lot listening to a podcast and eating his payday chocolate bar he got at the gas station lol that's like the only places he can find that old candy bar that no one eats... I got m&m's for after my session. It was a reward treat :)

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Second Article The Mighty

My second article is on The Mighty check it out.

Anxiety During Exam

Ugly Ducklings?

On our walk the other day aren't they beautiful? who said they were ugly ducklings?

New Hiking Trail @Red Rock

Last week we went hiking to Red Rock again to a new trail that we have not been to before and it was a great workout - perhaps because we are out of shape... it had recently rained so there was this small river passing through. Nice trees in that area too! reminded me back when we lived in Reno. Forget the damn Las vegas Strip...Red Rock is one of my favorite places to go ... a beautiful sort of hidden jewel.

Look towards the end of the post for river video sounds nice!