Sunday, January 22, 2017

I am 35 today! Rough Week but I will Keep on Going

Every time I come back to my blog the music just triggers me. I have to take it off... I have not written lately not sure why; at first it was because I was doing okay when I thought i was passing my math course and I did not need to express anything... I was okay. I failed the course and I have not not felt happy. I started charting my moods again etc it helps me to see what I need to change or do to improve my mood and what is triggering me. My goal towards the end of the year was to put more happier posts because the last thing that I want is too trigger someone or help someone go to the edge... but that defeats my purpose of having a blog, because I started the blog as an outlet for me. I need it, I need to write out what I feel because it is hard to share my feeling otherwise.

I know I am not making sense right now.

I am currently retaking math and that has me down and I am not motivated, this week I had off from work and I felt depressed. I usually feel depressed when I do not work or my hours have been cut and sure enough on cue. I only took a shower twice this week and only because my husband motivated me too. I did not want to get up every morning and when I awoke I would just lay in bed thinking, I had trouble falling asleep too, I cried at the beginning of the week and was emotional and by the end of the week I felt numb. I self-injured again even though I had not done it in months just because I wanted to feel something. I been grouchy on and off, BUT today was my birthday. I am 35 and I started the day grouchy but it got better maybe the thought that I go back to work tomorrow helped motivate me to have a good day. We went out to a Brazilian restaurant, tonight we will watch a movie and have some popcorn at home. Right now I am listening to the rain and never sounded better ...I love rain :) and it's been raining all day.

This year I am focusing on my self and making a point  to self- care since last year was horrible for me and I honestly did not think I would make it out I feel that this is it is now or never. Something that has been helping me is that I was given a passion planner for Christmas and  love it! It's a new hobby of mine now to just plan and decorate my planner. I use to think the people that did that were nutty and who had time for such a thing and I have been bitten by the bug! but as long as it keeps my mind occupied and gives me a hobby then I am happy.

For once I welcome being older, I welcome this new year and journey!. Regardless of this little hump this week I am excited :)