Friday, May 19, 2017

Disappointed in my Self

I woke up this morning feeling sad... I don't know why just residual stuff I guess. It was just recycled emotions I went between crying, and being thoughtful, and feeling sorry for myself. I feel disappointed with myself. I just don't feel happy; just when I started feeling happiness back in my life I allow little things to knock me down. What the fuck is wrong with me? this is not how I wanted my life to be. I have therapy tomorrow and I just want to bail on it, but I know my husband won't let me do that because I will still have to pay for it. I texted my therapist and told him that I did not want to go which was good because it took me out of that mind frame. Eventually I got up at 1pm and put on some exercise clothes and came down stairs made two cups of coffee and made a whole bowl of popcorn for brunch <---- yah that just happened. Actually wanted to go out and have all sort of junk food... I did not good thing. I did have my husband buy me some chocolate just because I showed up with treats :) . Instead of eating my self to happiness I decided to smoked my smoking blend twice, listened to music, played with my sensory lavender thing, and blogging and I probably do walking or some sort of physical activity because we have not been walking or I have not done kick boxing since I got sick or a little before that and I love boxing it helps me because I feel it has an immediate effect.

Yesterday I woke up screaming I have no idea why I didn't seem to have a nightmare... but I don't know because sometimes I don't remember. My husband said he asked what was wrong twice I didn't immediately answer and he thinks I said something about a cord. I had fallen asleep listening to Passive Muscle Relaxation you tube video using my cord earphones and maybe I freaked out when I felt the cord??? my husband said jokingly that I was probably strangling myself with it and freaked out.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Just Not Feeling Well

This morning I felt sad... and I can't identify why. I just woke up that way? I been having good days this week and some of last week, but I have also been having those moments where I just cry, feel numb or empty I am not sure which. This morning I did not want to get up and while getting ready I felt sad and I was crying, but trying to be discrete. At some point a thought came over me regarding self-injury; it was not that bad in my opinion and I am not trying to minimize the issue, but it really was not that bad I thought about it and I said no I can't I have to go to work soon and I got out of the bathroom. I have not self-injured in months and I honestly did not think that I would self-injure again, but thinking about it just happened. I did have to work so getting out of the bathroom was outmost importance. The bathroom has been the area where I have used in the past the most to self-injure and I still have some hidden tools-well not so much anymore I told my husband like a month ago that they were in there and I had said I would throw them away, but I have not ...I will get to it eventually.

I wrote down a few triggers that I am assuming one or more can be responsible and sent it to my therapist. The fact that I had to go to work freaked me out a little because I haven't been like that in the mornings or before going to work, and honestly I rather call and say I am sick... , but I was able to finally compose my self and I was fine. I am pet sitting this week for a few days so I am hoping that helps my mood a bit.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

Nature while Walking

Monday, May 15, 2017

Art Therapy

I been on a coloring craze lately, but I need another book because I am getting bored. A few weeks ago I made this humming bird with watercolors. I need more practice with watercolors, but I had fun making it. I was having a hard morning that day and decided to go into the garage and dig out stuff and found my pastels, my paintbrushes and my watercolors.

I might have had a little too much fun :)

Saturday, May 13, 2017

I Climbed the Mountain!

In April I went to climb a mountain at a park called "Lone Mountain" and let me tell you it's no freaking mountain... not to me it's just a giant steep rock! My husband and I usually walk at the park we always look towards the top of the rock and see people walking up there. When I look up at the mountain I always say "look at those crazy people" "how do they get up there?" "they are going to die" a former co-worker posted a picture on Instagram of her on top of this rock and I mentioned I was surprised she went up there and she answered back lets go! akkk what did I get my self into? I immediately told her I was out of shape, but she insisted and I said okay. I got anxiety the day before going and I did not want to go honestly, but it was okay we had to reschedule and I went the following week.

Actually I blame my therapist, because he pushed me to follow through and go on this hike with my former co-worker because he is encouraging to go and do things with "friends" or form that relationship... basically I need them as a support system (I am still debating that), but anyways we went and I am so glad I did! I can't believe I actually made it all the way to the top too :)

              The memorial of a man who died from a heart attack while climbing the mountain.
                                  I can't believe I did that! and I am afraid of heights you all
                                       Love these wild flowers :) flowers make me happy
Coming down the mountain I slipped and fell, but it was hilarious. My former co-worker was asking about my therapist so I started telling her that he helps me think outside of the box, and I told her how he is encouraging me to built a support system by talking to my friends and such and she said he gives you a push and I'm like yeah and she said you want me to push you? and she said it looking down the mountain and I soon as I said no I started to slip on the small rocks (gravel like) and fell backwards on my butt and to stop my self from continuing to slip I put my hands back and on the ground and that's when it hurt never mind falling on my ass! it hurt because the rocks underneath my hands were sharp and small and they stuck to my hands as I slipped. It happened so fast my former co-worker had previously held my hand at certain points but she couldn't at this moment, but she helped me up and we both started laughing, I thought it was funny because of what we were talking about right at that moment and I seriously think I jinxed myself. I had a great time and I did something I thought was impossible.

Friday, May 12, 2017

It's Been a Year ... A letter to My Dead Dog

Hey Charlie Bean! your paw prints with ink are still outside where you left them even though I tried scrubbing them away they still remain, but what's cooler is that I have seen paw prints a few times since you left in random places... is that your way of talking to me?

It's been a year how time goes so fast! I was not in the best place in my life when I got your diagnosis and to be honest adding that to the list of things going on in my life almost sent me away to my grave too! even though I tried to be brave for you in your last month here you still could sense when I was upset and you always comfort me and let me know you loved me by licking my tears, being there to physically hug, and just being silly just at the right moment.

Thank you for being the best dog ever! my best and only friend! I will always cherish the awesome memories I have of you and thank you!

                                                           I Love You Always

Life Update

It's me again... I been MIA I know.

I renewed my domain I was not sure if I was going to because when I look at my blog I see the past and I don't like to read about how suicidal I was, seeing or reading about my self-injuries and whatever else I wrote about once I was out from my crises. I could imagine what my blog would say if I would have written during my crises or what I call rock bottom. Now that I look back I am surprised that I have never been hospitalized or that I am even breathing. I know that sounds dark, but I am in a better place now and hopefully I do not go back on that road again, but if I do I am hoping I can come out without much damage and deal with issues in a more positive way.

I say in a more positive way because since the middle of February I been seeing a therapist and I have learned how to apply coping skills/self -care in my life more routinely, I am starting to talk about issues or feelings that I normally don't talk about, and he kind of serves like an outlet like what my blog is suppose to be serving me for... but with a therapist as opposed to a blog can help me make better choices, see things from a different perspective, help me think outside the box, they can help you feel unstuck, sometimes when you tell others your views or what not they don't tell you how it is because they are afraid to tell you the opposite of what you think... yeah I don't think a therapist holds back too much they can tell you how it is and scold you if they need to haha. I feel so much better after my session even if it's a rough one; I always make sure I say thank you after my session because I am thankful no matter what goes on in that session.

As for school I am giving my course one more try and then I think I am done . I went ahead and withdrew from my math course on the day of the deadline because I felt I was going to fail it. I cannot emotionally handle another bad grade or my gpa lowering any more. I also feel guilty that we have not moved yet (and I am the one that wants to get the hell out of here the most) because I am here trying to pass a freaking course that I will probably never pass and wasting money, time and stressing out more over it. It's depressing and I feel like a failure in my life in general because of it. I will never be completely happy and satisfied with my life if I do make the decision to bail out on college and whatever plans I had for after... it may temporarily be a relief and we get to move, but I would never get over my decision especially because I am so close! oh so close just two math courses and that is it for community college! we shall see

Family Visit
My sister and her family visit in July and so does my parents. My sister warned me a few months ago that they are coming because she wants me to see the kids and not give her excuses and I am ready to spend much needed time with them. As for my parents I am always happy to see them were a happy family when they come over however before they come my anxiety increases and same when they are here. I am freaking out about my weight so I have to go back on my diet and see if I can lose a few pounds before they arrive just because... and prepare my self for the dreaded education talk... "education talk" must be as stressful as the birds and the bees talk for those have it (I never did by the way). The good thing is that they are not staying with me this time so I hopefully will be less stressed about doing everything perfect.

Work is same o same o. I love being a nanny it's my purpose in my life. I would be in a far worse state if I did not to what I do and loved it. My husband has employed for a few months now and although he still doing IT stuff the retail side and managing others is new to him so he is gaining experience there we don't like that he is getting paid half of what he used to make and he is doing more work. Also he is also not getting benefits ; every time he had benefits we took it for granted and we hardly ever used it, but now that he does not have any it can be a little scary. He is looking for another employment and that is scary for me. I don't want him ending up again without a job because I will assume the worst and think that he will be without a job for a very long time again and not sure we would be able to survive that.

Were not in the best spot financially for a dog... but ever since my dog Charlie Bean died I been longing for another dog. I have felt in the past that I can't live without a dog and even though I felt this way last year too this year it seems less truthful because I am still alive and I can still live without a dog... and last year when I would say it -and I said it a lot I felt I meant it this year not so much but I still believe it. My husband knows how I feel and he also misses having a dog even though he is a total cat person he understands that I feel I need a dog. Were saving up for my puppy and we will be getting a Golden Doodle and can't wait! I am on two waiting list for a Standard F1 Golden Doodle and so far the couple that we are first on the list have mated but we shall see what happens- How exciting!!

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.