Friday, May 19, 2017

Disappointed in my Self

I woke up this morning feeling sad... I don't know why just residual stuff I guess. It was just recycled emotions I went between crying, and being thoughtful, and feeling sorry for myself. I feel disappointed with myself. I just don't feel happy; just when I started feeling happiness back in my life I allow little things to knock me down. What the fuck is wrong with me? this is not how I wanted my life to be. I have therapy tomorrow and I just want to bail on it, but I know my husband won't let me do that because I will still have to pay for it. I texted my therapist and told him that I did not want to go which was good because it took me out of that mind frame. Eventually I got up at 1pm and put on some exercise clothes and came down stairs made two cups of coffee and made a whole bowl of popcorn for brunch <---- yah that just happened. Actually wanted to go out and have all sort of junk food... I did not good thing. I did have my husband buy me some chocolate just because I showed up with treats :) . Instead of eating my self to happiness I decided to smoked my smoking blend twice, listened to music, played with my sensory lavender thing, and blogging and I probably do walking or some sort of physical activity because we have not been walking or I have not done kick boxing since I got sick or a little before that and I love boxing it helps me because I feel it has an immediate effect.

Yesterday I woke up screaming I have no idea why I didn't seem to have a nightmare... but I don't know because sometimes I don't remember. My husband said he asked what was wrong twice I didn't immediately answer and he thinks I said something about a cord. I had fallen asleep listening to Passive Muscle Relaxation you tube video using my cord earphones and maybe I freaked out when I felt the cord??? my husband said jokingly that I was probably strangling myself with it and freaked out.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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