Friday, May 12, 2017

Life Update

It's me again... I been MIA I know.

I renewed my domain I was not sure if I was going to because when I look at my blog I see the past and I don't like to read about how suicidal I was, seeing or reading about my self-injuries and whatever else I wrote about once I was out from my crises. I could imagine what my blog would say if I would have written during my crises or what I call rock bottom. Now that I look back I am surprised that I have never been hospitalized or that I am even breathing. I know that sounds dark, but I am in a better place now and hopefully I do not go back on that road again, but if I do I am hoping I can come out without much damage and deal with issues in a more positive way.

I say in a more positive way because since the middle of February I been seeing a therapist and I have learned how to apply coping skills/self -care in my life more routinely, I am starting to talk about issues or feelings that I normally don't talk about, and he kind of serves like an outlet like what my blog is suppose to be serving me for... but with a therapist as opposed to a blog can help me make better choices, see things from a different perspective, help me think outside the box, they can help you feel unstuck, sometimes when you tell others your views or what not they don't tell you how it is because they are afraid to tell you the opposite of what you think... yeah I don't think a therapist holds back too much they can tell you how it is and scold you if they need to haha. I feel so much better after my session even if it's a rough one; I always make sure I say thank you after my session because I am thankful no matter what goes on in that session.

As for school I am giving my course one more try and then I think I am done . I went ahead and withdrew from my math course on the day of the deadline because I felt I was going to fail it. I cannot emotionally handle another bad grade or my gpa lowering any more. I also feel guilty that we have not moved yet (and I am the one that wants to get the hell out of here the most) because I am here trying to pass a freaking course that I will probably never pass and wasting money, time and stressing out more over it. It's depressing and I feel like a failure in my life in general because of it. I will never be completely happy and satisfied with my life if I do make the decision to bail out on college and whatever plans I had for after... it may temporarily be a relief and we get to move, but I would never get over my decision especially because I am so close! oh so close just two math courses and that is it for community college! we shall see

Family Visit
My sister and her family visit in July and so does my parents. My sister warned me a few months ago that they are coming because she wants me to see the kids and not give her excuses and I am ready to spend much needed time with them. As for my parents I am always happy to see them were a happy family when they come over however before they come my anxiety increases and same when they are here. I am freaking out about my weight so I have to go back on my diet and see if I can lose a few pounds before they arrive just because... and prepare my self for the dreaded education talk... "education talk" must be as stressful as the birds and the bees talk for those have it (I never did by the way). The good thing is that they are not staying with me this time so I hopefully will be less stressed about doing everything perfect.

Work is same o same o. I love being a nanny it's my purpose in my life. I would be in a far worse state if I did not to what I do and loved it. My husband has employed for a few months now and although he still doing IT stuff the retail side and managing others is new to him so he is gaining experience there we don't like that he is getting paid half of what he used to make and he is doing more work. Also he is also not getting benefits ; every time he had benefits we took it for granted and we hardly ever used it, but now that he does not have any it can be a little scary. He is looking for another employment and that is scary for me. I don't want him ending up again without a job because I will assume the worst and think that he will be without a job for a very long time again and not sure we would be able to survive that.

Were not in the best spot financially for a dog... but ever since my dog Charlie Bean died I been longing for another dog. I have felt in the past that I can't live without a dog and even though I felt this way last year too this year it seems less truthful because I am still alive and I can still live without a dog... and last year when I would say it -and I said it a lot I felt I meant it this year not so much but I still believe it. My husband knows how I feel and he also misses having a dog even though he is a total cat person he understands that I feel I need a dog. Were saving up for my puppy and we will be getting a Golden Doodle and can't wait! I am on two waiting list for a Standard F1 Golden Doodle and so far the couple that we are first on the list have mated but we shall see what happens- How exciting!!

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

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